Day # 28....makes Me Feel Guilty... :/

I still feel crummy for doing this.  It was also the first time that hubs got upset with me. Not all miserable and angry but really upset that I had a "mindset" about him that he didn't like or even believe existed with him in his feelings for me.  They didn't either but.....I was just being me, in the moment.  But it hurt me to see him hurt.....I never had before this.....

We had just moved in together. I was working for him full time and I had seen him  get rid of  and be rude too sooo many women.  I was use to them throwing themselves at him and sometimes it sort of disgusted me and sometimes I really felt bad for the women.  They were all a LOT older then me and it just seemed to me that  if they had made it to that age and most of them were also successful professional gals, that they  should have had their heads in a better place with men....What did I know right?

I don't deal with stress well, so I sort of just ignore things that might produce it.  I figured hubs was good to me and he never seemed interested in any of these women who seemed to want to just hang on him, so what the heck....I ran with it!  :D  I figured I wanted him bad enough that whatever time he threw my way was fine.  He seemed to want to throw it all at me and I was  tickled pink. I've never had to be jealous of him, cause he never gives me a reason to be. 

But,  folks were concerned that I was involved with him. Ya gotta remember I was born and raised in this town. Everybody knows  my family. Hubs had a HORRIBLE rep with the ladies. They said he was a "user" and soo cold. He even admitted to being just that too.  I knew the chance I was taking..... I didn't care... I wanted him THAT  bad.  Folks had even called my parent!!  I didn't care.  I figured he'd, "scrape" me off in time too.  I  still didn't care. 

We were out  this one Fri. at a club that played dance requests from all the oldies...  I heard them all cause I grew up listening to my parents music!!  Same sounds as Hubs liked!  So we were in this club and sure enough there was one of the gals who followed him around. You could just  tell  by the way she kept looking at us and talking to the girl she was with, that she was saying something snarky about us. 

So I went over and requested THIS song. When they played it they said, "This goes out to K from Sierra"  I figured it would send a cool message to the gossipy woman but instead it really upset hubs....  :(  We danced to it but I could see that something was bothering him.

He just didn't want me thinking this way.....  I think that night I  started to really begin to see that I wasn't just another plaything to him and that this gorgeous, hunk of man actually loved me.....That scared me a little more then being a toy, I think!!  But I got over it! 

Here is my, "Guilty" song....




Awwww, I just had to go and find a song that shows how far I've come with my feeling for this man.  The above song was then but this one is NOW!!
I don't really believe or disbelieve in  angels like they are depicted in any of the religious books but I got mine...according to ME this man I married IS MY angel...or at least as close to one as I ever need to be....I love this man sooooooo much.....Yeah.....I'm all teary....so what else is new right?

sierra33 sierra33
31-35, F
21 Responses Jul 20, 2011

Aww jacee, I'm sorry he's hard to talk to. I've heard a lot of folks say their partners weren't too much for open talk.... My gf, left the one she couldn't talk to....I guess hubs and I are just super lucky that we both can do this. I am pretty sure we'll always work at what we have cause losing it would be sooooo hard to cope with. <br />
It also helps that when I sometimes sort of "hide" from how I feel about something, he'll pull me right out of whatever shell I am hibernating in. :D

well I expect an invite to your 50th anniversary celebration, because I know you'll still be together. And I'll only be ninety so it'll be fun lol

Well sometimes trying to talk to your husband is useless.....and I do speak from experience. Because if I try and tell my hubby how I feel it usually winds up becoming a "What about me" talk. And that doesn't help anything. That's why I adore the openness you two have between you. Cause it does make a marriage so much stronger. Just always keep learning and you guys will be together forever.

Awww *hugs and hugs* Thank you....I learned a GOOD lesson a long ways back. I had a gf I was and still am close too. She had super bad issues with her first hubs and she would come around to all of her friends and talk about it. One day one of the other girls asked, "Do you ever tell him what you say to us?" She said, she hadn't and didn't even know why......That sorta made me think that #1 rule was to have better communications with the hubs then the gf's. :D<br />
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My gf left the man she was having issues with but has a nice SO now and YUP, she's learned to tell HIM more then she tells us now !! :D<br />
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I tell you, I saw some wacky stuff and tried to learn from it and in some ways that has really worked well!!

the fact you guys are always ready to talk and discuss your issues shows the respect you have between you. You are so right if everyone was more willing to own their mistakes instead of wanting to always blame someone else we'd all be a lot better off. I have a lot of admiration and respect for you both. And I really do adore you. You are such a positive in this really negative world. And that is a tribute not only to you but your Hubs as well.

Awwww, thanks jacee!! We go at it from time to time but neither of us are into the yelling and screaming drama so we always sit down and get right into the issue. We're also both really honest and communicate pretty well. He's actually better at it then me but he works with me and coaches me along! For as grumpy as he can get he really does have AWESOME patience!!<br />
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Also, neither of us has any need to be right all the time....That is a BIG thing. We're also ready to own it when we screw up and make a mistake. I think if more folks practiced some self-accountability a lot of relationships could improve, not just romantic ones either!!! :D

The fact you two have the differences is why you work so well together. You balance each other out with your difference of opinions and both have become better because of it. You Two are a perfect match if I ever saw one and I do so enjoy reading the stories and comments between the two of you. <br />
You're both amazing

LOL @ Looking4........Yup...alterations in the head have taken place.....hugs and hugs....It's why I so look up to and admire you.....You're just, "flat-out" right most of the time! :D

I dare say a change of thought and awareness has altered some of these notions...<br />
Discernment, understanding and growth are wondrous attributes. ;~)<br />
I wish to thank the many who cared enough to contact Sie.<br />
Rest assured-- neither of us are--foolish enough--to allow a--very--minor difference of opinion to create any discord within our relationship.<br />
Our priorities are very clearly defined and honored.

3way-Yup, it is.... :)

Awww guys how cute.....*hugs and hugs* to my worry warts!! It's easier writing it here then 4 times!!<br />
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No we're not really having an argument about this stuff. He just wandered past and smacked my fanny with a wet towel..:D That sorta stung too even through my skirt! He can roll those babies up tight and let then snap with some real force!! ouchhhh!!<br />
We almost never argue but when we do it's about something worth arguing about. We never go all crazy with name calling and shouting either. He is a firm believer that the MORE you want to get a point across the LOWER you speak, thus forcing the other person to REALLY listen.....It works too. I swear. I've seen him talk really, super pissed people right down, just by lowering his own voice!!<br />
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We disagree on this because we both have different take and dispositions. But we encourage each other to be, " who we REALLY are" and NOT to pretend to be someone else just to please them. Honesty is important even when you both come at things from different perspective. <br />
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Compromise works well here and it's how we handle it!! Plus it's cool to get a little huffy with each other once in awhile cause NOTHING is HOTTER then MAKE-UP SEX!!<br />
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You knew I had to work that in somewheres right?? :D<br />
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hugs and hugs to those who worry!! Luv you!!

looking4, aww thanks for the nice words before you went all "snarky" on me!! :D<br />
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OHHH, NOOOOO, here is where we show folks we're NOT really the PERFECT couple!!! :O<br />
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YUP, here we have a fine example of when Bossy-man and I don't always see eye to eye!!<br />
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I have tons of patience. I easily overlook flaws and things in folks that bug other folks. I have TONS of my own flaws!! I don't mind little scuffs on character or even if I suspect that total honesty might not be present. How can any of us know for sure about stuff? Who cares? I deal with the words, in the moment, and never give any thought to things beyond that.... <br />
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Hubs...NOT so much!! He is alwaysssss thinking! It's great too, he has an AWESOME mind!!<br />
My tolerance of peeps, both on and off line, sometimes sends this poor man right up the side of a wall!! :D Sorta like him racing around at high speeds on his toys makes me a little crazy!! :D<br />
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It's all cause he was raised in this super disciplined home and did nothing but think, work and strive for betterment. He's also spent ALL of his life surrounded by other really, really serious folks in Martial Arts. They deal with stuff the same way. <br />
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No joke...getting these guys to laugh is sometimes a lot like getting the guard to laugh at Buckingham palace!! But I work hard at it and manage to crack them all up, on a pretty regular basis!! :D It's what we Floozies do!!<br />
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I wasn't raised ANYTHING like that!! We were wayyyy more casual, a LOT less disciplined and sorta, hap-hazzard in a lot of ways!! <br />
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Now to tell the truth...99% of the time he's right!! That's because he is a wayyy more observant person then me. If he thinks he might be wrong, he'll do research and even go ask folks he trusts what they think and if they agree with him..... then the "full on" tangent begins!! <br />
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In the end, I still accept folks for who they say they are in the moment...at least online!! <br />
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Off line I listen to him and follow his lead....It's trickier off the computer.<br />
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LOL @ lovin what the little yellow birdie said!! <br />
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ricki, you are NOW his life-long pal!! :D

Sie--<br />
The fact that I captured your love and loyalty and left no regret within you--gives rise to great pride and contentment within myself.<br />
Thank you.<br />
This post is so much-- an echo--of what I spoke of on the last one.<br />
We--together--create what is needed--each for the other.<br />
Simplicity in--effortless-- motion.<br />
I have come to terms with the fact that you do take time for attempting to befriend and assist---fraudulent--attention-sucking-- human parasites who want nothing more then to mirror your capabilities and claim ownership of your charms---<br />
I accept it---<br />
But I do not have to like--it--or them--<br />
I will--back away--as per your request--with that said.<br />
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RickiChickie--<br />
I sense real wisdom in your words--concerning the--energy-suckers--<br />
I so appreciated that remark! ;~)

Thank you looking4mywife. I had to learn it the hard way, think about that your wife is so young and she will be wiser after a few bad experiences with those energy suckers.

*hugs* her little ricki bird!! I never pick up on your being "moody" in here....just sweet! :)<br />
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Dragon, Aww thanks. I guess he saw that...I always got the feeling he was just watching my boobs and butt though.... :D He must have caught the other stuff in between somewheres!! <br />
I know I have a good head on my shoulders when I need one.....The rest of the time, I let it rest and pull the "goofy" one out!! :D

ricki, I think your right!! We are a lot alike in a lot of ways...That makes me happy cause I like YOU lots!!<br />
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You know, I was just watching hubs do his one class. He looks so serious, almost mean. So I wandered over to the door his class, there is only him and 3 of his black belt guys. I was watching and he looked up at me and I crossed my eyes and stuck my tongue out at him. He cracked up. Arms out looking all tough and he just lost it with a big old grin.<br />
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Now, the guys in the class looked back at me and then at him and they were all smiling too. But they weren't smiling about ME cause I wasn't making the face anymore. They were smiling just cause hubs was .....That's so cool. One silly face can make a whole group of these serious men crack right up!!<br />
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That's what hubs was missing in his life and I provided...GOOFINESS!! <br />
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EVERYBODY needs some goofiness in their world. It lightens thing up a LOT!!

I love your attitude Sierra and when I'm not moody, I'm the clown for my friends and family.

Awwwwwww...I just got done bl<x>inking back tears from the other thread and now here comes a fresh batch. <br />
Jeez you're on a roll this morning with making my eyes red and my nose run. Kleenex loves ya!<br />
All I can say between the sniffing and bl<x>inking is that...You were and are worth EVERYTHING to me. There is NOTHING I wouldn't do for you and I am soooo grateful you are EXACTLY who you are....<br />
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I will always be so happy that my horniness was wayyy bigger then my common sense when I met you, cause I really didn't care how you were the other women in your life. You ROCKED with me!!<br />
You still do. I have never, not for one tiny second, ever had a regret for meeting and loving you. THAT was the smartest thing I ever did.<br />
It makes me feel sooo good to know you think I am a pretty smart cookie too!<br />
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I can be a little"mushy" when it comes to people. But folks need to be given a chance to learn and change. I have the patience to hang out with them sometimes and help it happen.<br />
But I know when to back away too and if I don't..... I know you'll always be there to give me a "Yank" to a safer place!! I have learned to listen to you and follow your lead.......even when I sometimes, maybe... don't entirely agree..... :DDD<br />
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I thought it was sooo cute when I came in this morning and you were listening to Beyonce.....I really am making you into a "teddy bear" in some ways..... I LOVE it too!!<br />
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Thanks for all these AWESOME words...... You do really, really, honest and truly RRROOOCCCKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a bit like you Sierra, but the sad truth is, that some people simply suck all your energy without making progress. But you are so young, you'll learn to separate this. xoxo

RickiChickie--I so approved of and deeply appreciated this remark.

I must confess I read this post yesterday shortly after Sie composed it. <br />
It deeply touched me.<br />
I sat and listened to--Halo--and simply held her hand. <br />
Such a simple gesture.<br />
Such profound meaning.<br />
But I must now confide that my wife has lied.<br />
It is a rare deed--but it has been committed.<br />
She will always take a very humble path.<br />
It is her nature.<br />
She frequently rebukes herself for being--not as smart--as she believes others to be.<br />
A stark and gross untruth.<br />
She is the most--perceptive, intuitive, insightful and intelligent woman--I have ever known.<br />
Her only fault--imo--is that she is far too--forgiving, compassionate and optimistic--when evaluating others.<br />
I must be grateful she held those--same--qualities when she first--evaluated--myself.<br />
I deserved every--unkind word--uttered by the women in my past.<br />
I was neither a kind nor loving man.<br />
I was honest with them.<br />
My honesty was as cruel and indifferent as I.<br />
I did not believe the emotion of love existed.<br />
I believed--kindness--to be a wasted effort.<br />
I thought love was no more then a fictional premise--devised and held by the weak--in an attempt to make the biting coldness of an existence less bleak.<br />
Sierra has altered all those thoughts and she daily proves to me how short sighted and incorrect they were.<br />
As I sit and listen to this song once more.<br />
I am left with the singular notion, being if an --angelic glow--exists.<br />
It is merely Sierra's own--reflecting off of myself.<br />
Before my wife--I had financial stability and physical prowess.<br />
She gifted me with --everything--of real worth I now possess.<br />
Every smile that crosses my face--belongs to her--

I like your dear wife exactely the way she is and see, what a great love she planted in your heart.

You are so right RickiChicki--

Aww, ricki thanks sooo much for saying that....*hugs and hugs* Maybe your heart is just the same and that why you see it in me. <br />
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Awww thanks Dragon....*Hugs and hugs* It is possible to have a healthy relationship. We've hit a couple of bumps in the road but instead of falling off our "marriage wagon" and rolling away from each other we sort of just hang onto each other and that helps a lot. :)

Yup, you totally nailed it ricki....I can see it all now in retrospect. I saw it that night after we had a longggg talk. He really talked his heart out to me too. All formal and serious but so heart felt too. <br />
I asked for the song more just to annoy the other woman in the club....I really never gave a thought to what hubs would think, aside from it being a sexy tune to dance too! I kid you not...I was NOT the sharpest little tool in the shed.....Truth be told...I'm still NOT!! :D

But you have a heart of purest gold I think.

I can understand why he was upset. I think you couldn't know that he really loved you and that you didn't ask for the song to hurt him.

Awww, thanks Ghosty-Guy.....You're pretty darned cute yourself.... :)

Awww hugs sie-you guys are a beautiful couple!