i dont think anyone has as much of a hard time from me as my friends.... im nasty to people i dont like, if they push me hard enough, and if im feeling passionately about something i can be cruel and snide.... but it doesnt really compare to what I put my friends to.
I had a phone coversation with one of them earlier. she told me a few weeks ago she could see me falling apart and to talk to her. so i did, and these last few weeks she's felt the full extent of all my emotions.... speaking hto her today i could her in her voice how much she wanted to be there and do something..... but she was crying...... because this destroys her..... it destroys her and all the friends i have left..... in a way it probably still eats at the friends i had who had to leave for their own sake..... i know it still eats at Dan.....
this is going to be one of the hardest things ive had to admit on her.
I built myself a world a while ago. A very selfish, very lonely world. Its my world where anything goes as long as you get through the day. I didnt have a world built for me as a child. I had few guidelines on how to act or live, and maybe to an extent I imitate my mothers behaviour, as I had nothing else to go on.....
In this world only I exist. Noo one else. This is my place. This is where I can eat and make myself sick all I want. This is where I can cut and overdose. This is where every ******* thing revolves around me. Everything concerns me. Everything should be done for me, by me.
Its the world I created to give myself meaning, to give myself a life. Does that even make sense? I had nothing, no friends, no proper family, my existance was my role in my parents life.
I think, in part, I built a world where I could make myself sick, hurt myself and stitch myself up, so that I could be cared for. The only care I saw was the care I gave my mother, when she cried and cut and ODed. So I created my own world where I would cry and cut and OD, and then I was allowed to care for myself. Then I would be as much as a priority to myself as my mother was.
Then I started having relationships. Not just boyfriends or girlfirends, but friends.
and then I didnt something really stupid.
Instead of choosing to live and exist with them in my world I expected them to come and exist in mine. In this place I created where I come first. I dont come to this place often, if needs be I can leave it in a second, but right now this is where I exist, in a world of sadness and self pity where I act out so I can be cared for. And that was ok (well, not really, but stay with me...) when it was just me who lived her. when it was my making myself love me. when it was me crying out to myself for the love i was giving my mother. but its not. there are three other people in this world now.
i want you to understand this, not because i think its right, its wrong on every level, but so that you can forgive me.
now all i need is the guts to say this to the people who need to hear it.