Well, you are 35 now. I know your life has been a roller-coaster for years but if you knew how good things were going to be for you, you would stop worrying so much. Its not as bad as you think. You should ust take the time and learn to love yourself. Stop worrying about the HIV and take care of yourself. You have so much to live for. You find the work of your dreams and the love of your life. Trust me on this....the past is done. The future is uncertain...give yourself a break and just live in the moment.