Romantic Love:the Perplexities Of Limerence

When a first step is taken, every following event becomes the outcome of the principal catalyst. I often wonder is that’s my case. May elapsing time become motionless? Is it possible to ignore a chain reaction, by preventing the domino effect to take place even if the very first action has been made? There is certainly a difference between pretending to ignore the whole problem and actually stopping time -which at first glance seems ridiculously unattainable for obvious reasons- and being able to block what comes after the catalyst.

In any way, things occur. I have been told, countless times, that my theory of cause and effect has been back warded. As if they did not know me. Fixing -as I call my evil doing- things up is what makes circumstances more interesting than they actually are. A basic concept of refusing the cruel reality of the present; of the world itself. In my opinion, it is further rational to say that for every effect there is a cause. That means, that every reaction has to have its original set off. Things happen in this world because something else made them happen- yet not every action has an effect. Why? Because some variables actually don’t have a role in the universe. Yes, they exist and form part of this gigantic system, bet they don’t make other things occur. For instance; a single atom of dust. It really makes no difference if we have one atom less in the earth or not- if it were to be swallowed up by a dark hole no one would be affected. My point is that there is a cause, but its not always going to be a major even occurring afterward. Like positive and negative reinforcements. Results are always positive, negative, or indifferent.

Going back into topic.

In fact, there are many topics that I would like to discuss to my beloved audience. For instance- my wonders regarding the perplexities of limerence, mood alteration, Hell, God, sickness, infinity (there is NO such thing as infinity, by the way), etc, all topics that are related and significant to my personal life, things that don’t directly involve the concerns about individuals that don’t deserve my devotion of thought, because this world is egocentric -another topic that I have to touch- and so on …

Sticking to my analysis of Limerence, directly involving cause-and-effect, I should suggest that I am rather idiotic for my lack of experience and skill in predicting what will happen next when I and someone I am “concerned” about -for negative/positive reasons Ex: major enemy, or my idol, extreme opposites is remotely possible.- are related in the situation. I am unable to make an educated guess of what the other person will say or do- no matter how much I try to use logic and my psychological analysis of the other individual being involved. And for some eerie reason, this time I managed for once to force myself into making a logic prediction of what my subject would do after my catalyst had been set off.

The yielding reaction must have been taking place behind my back - I was positive- because I made my subject have a reason to be formulating the “possibilities” as to why I gave him a note almost pleading for help, for a kind of assistance where he had no business in -or at least that is what he believed. Yes, audience. Face yourselves with a male 17- year old school boy who has lost his mind just like I have. We got something in common!

In fact, reactions took place behind my back -just as I had predicted…things went so perfect according to plan...that it was to a point disappointing- such as the limerence curiosity of his , and it was so overflowing that the lost soul even made the attempt to research about the issue I had particularly asked “help” for. The only thing is that the help I needed was not the type of help he thought it would be.

Didn’t I already mention that the chain reaction took place exactly as I had predicted?

And that’s exactly why I was going through the merciless stages of grief at a moment, because I was capable - halellullah- to finally achieve a “successful failure”, the goal of this mission was achieved to an unbelievable point of precision, yet deep in my heart I knew I didn’t want things to end this way. I desired to attain reciprocation- but because I didn’t wish to wait for realization to strike me, I proceeded to go against time and shorten my pain. In other words, I got what I “wanted” -technically- because today after school I met with the soul my heart yearns for every night , when it’s so silent before my immense internal emptiness. I felt shallow.

I demanded rejection to him, and I got it.
Things had to end this way, at some point.
It was either to make the death come slowly, or make it come fast.
And the decision was in my hands. In my very own being.

And now that my mission is over, I ought to look for hope somewhere else for my own sake. To maintain myself motivated. I cannot allow myself to be drawn back into this dark, cold dream of the past I’ve been living in since the past months. It’s ridiculous. Faced myself with ecstasy and wildness when I knew revelation was coming up close- he would finally know. That I’ve liked him every second of the minute of the hour of the day. That I longed him to feel the same things. The moment was coming- the moment where he would discover my very secret intentions that had been confined to my very own self- and finally my heart had been unlocked by this eerie Person, this someone who I regarded as an idol and my personal obsession of looking-forwardness.

Back at that longed moment where time stopped elapsing and my pulse became erratic, the rule was simple: It was everything or nothing.
Well, the bastard chose to give me nothing….
-Something snaps in the background.-
My dreams were crushed, so drastically, by this idol.
Something didn’t match, something wasn’t right when he uttered a phrase I didn’t expect.
I didn’t know how to take his rejection -that’s what I had asked for, clearly, but I thought he would maybe, perhaps, shade a little hint of hope in the hidden magic of a miracle.
Achieved desires, and true intentions entirely disregarded.
At the moment that I won, I lost.
It’s just like a stupid game. A game where it’s prohibited to fall for the enemy…What a beautiful mistake did I learn.

Don’t you agree?
nostalgicdreams nostalgicdreams
Jan 18, 2013