I Want To Die Doesn't Say Enough :-(

My life has been extremely tough. I have been through abusive relationships; both physically, mentally, and emotionally; pretty much they either always cheated on me or performed the before mentioned abusiveness. I have endured the hatred of my mother for me being a male since I was 12. My dad left and never talked to me until I was 18. Then came back and told me he decided his career and new wife were more important then me. That he knew what was happening at the house while I was growing up and that he didn't want to get involved. Cause of all that I turned to heavy drug use during the 90's and attempted suicide multiple times during that period. I ended up having a daughter from an ex-girlfriend back in 2003; finally something good has happen. Then I met the most amazing women in my life and got engaged and married to her. Now I know she had a drug problem and I fought so hard to help her get off this drug problem. Yes, that was tough and yes she did cheat and was mean at times.........same as previous relationships it is normal for me :-( and I used to that. I endured it as I knew it would be worth it and what I saw in her was beautiful and worth the fight. I started to loose the fight for her drug addiction about 2 years ago but I refused to leave her. I was so deeply in love and so devoted to her recovery........ I made a commitment to her as a marriage. To me that is worth fighting for and I took those vows very seriously. Everything I did was for her to help and be there for her. Then last year, 2011, My grandma whom I was very very close with died. I was very saddened by this but had to put it aside for I needed to be there for my wife, daughter, and family who were hurting. Then 3 months later my mom had to be rushed into the ER and put into ICU as she was internally bleeding and we didn't know why. I was there for her everyday and when I got home from the hospital everyday my wife would give me **** about things she thought I did within her mind; slowly loosing touch with reality due to her meth addiction. So I bottled up my moms feelings and focused again on helping her. Then a month later, after my mom came out of the hospital, and on our 4 year wedding anniversary my wife told me she hated me has been miserable her entire marriage and said I was worthless and not even a real man :-(. I told her this is a marriage and we should work on this not walk away. We should strive to resolve these issues and I will be more then happy to help and do what she needed for that. She moved out and just told me figure it out not my problem at all. So I confided in my friend of 21 years as this obviously really tore me apart after everything I have gone through and mentioned above. I felt like **** and felt and was daily being told by her that everything is my fault and I endured it as I wanted to help her get clean. I did whatever she wanted to help repair what she believed was going on. Then 3 months later and still trying to save my marriage on my birthday my friend that I was confiding in told me that the real reason she left me is she was having an affair with him for the past 8 months that he was not the first but he is the last as he believes they are in love. On my birthday this really f'd me up and ruined thanksgiving which was 2 days later. I went so much deeper into a depression I was already fighting a loosing battle too. Everything I bottled up started to come out. I then tried to turn to other friends to be there for me. Only to find out they never wanted to talk to me again so I was left alone to cope with this. I tried to turn to my mom for some emotional support and she only yelled at me and said cause I am a male it is most likely my fault; another blow :-(. My daughters mom was there for me when I went to see my daughter and consoled me a little but by that point I felt it was too late emotionally. So now we are 9 month after she after for a separation in August. I try to contact my soon to be ex wife to handle divorce business and let her know her car insurance is still being paid for as she still needs to call to remove her name as per the car insurance reps statement. Still to this day the only replies I get about asking where she stands on her divorce and what can I do to help her and has she made progress on the removal of car insurance is hateful venom filled emails and never talking about the business. This sinks me lower as I am paying for all the bills from us as she is too far gone on meth to be able to do this now. She refuses to file the divorce and since I am paying all the bills I am not able to do so financially. Then this weekend I get a call from my dad that my grandpa, the husband of the recently passed grandma, has died; bam another blow. I am stuck now in a divorce that my soon to be ex wants deeply but refuses to the handle the business for it. If I try to talk to her about the business I get hate and hurt but no business. I am so deeply depressed now that I don't eat but maybe once every few days and only cause I am forced by my one last friend. I found that my soon to be ex wife was running around to all my friends and telling how I refuse to help her on the divorce, which I hope all you see I am trying even though I don't want it, that I always abused her and never cared or loved for her and that I only cared about myself. What hurt about that is these people have all known me for 10+ years and know that those things would never be done by me as I cherish and treat the one I love very respectful and always there for them. This was the final blow and I am so depressed now and not coming out. I have a daughter but honestly that isn't helping save me from wanting to die anymore. I.............I can't describe it just tired of the nightly nigtmares, the crushing lonelyness, the betrayal, the lack of being able to eat due to depression, the fact I am on finacial ruin trying to pay all of these bills........I just want it to end........I lost everything and a chance to have a family like I so deeply wanted............I just want to die, please
Zamboodu Zamboodu
36-40, M
May 10, 2012