Sometimes it's overwhelming to me the thought of me seeing myself as a battered wife, I sometimes think that maybe I'm just taking everything out of proportions and because I'm hurting I want a definition or an excuse for the pain that I am suffering and had been suffering the past 10 plus years. Maybe there is an illness behind everything he did that hurt me and the way he was so cruel to me that I felt like nothing.
So....define BATTERED....what are the terms or the categories to fit the "club", cause I wasn't beaten up everyday or kicked. I may have been pushed here and there sometimes, but not "hit hit" like other women.
He had always been very controlling and with him I felt useless and worthless, everybody else would tell me what a success I was, but him, oh no...never him. He wasn't always that way, I remember when he went out of his way to please me or be with me. When we already had our second son and had bought our first home and he use to tell me how proud of me he really was ( I was a hairstylist back then). Although my family had already been in disapproval of us together,because years prior to that (like 2) he had abandon me when I first got pregnant with our first son and he was just living the life of a wild guy in drug and partying.
We had split up several times, because I wanted something better and always went back in hopes that things would change. He once kicked me of the bed while pregnant with our second child and I ended up living in a shelter, cause my mom didn't or couldn't take me and my 9 month old son. Then again I felt like I was just blowing everything out of proportions and when I saw him ( with my mom acting as if I were a burden to carry) I saw my prince charming that came back to rescue me.
He once slapped me while I was in the bathroom and I landed in the bathtub.....that was the first time me ever really hit me and my now 9 y.o remembers, he was there and stated crying, he was probably around 3. He never again hit me like that, what he use to do was intimidate me raising his hands towards me or hitting the back of my head with open hands. He would sometimes grab me or press his forehead against mine.
Now the last time he came back after 2 years separated and lots of drugs and cheating and all that good stuff....he would just make me fee plain MISERABLE. He made me feel as I deserved to be treated like a piece of s**t, he even told me so. He was with another woman the whole time he was here and even talked to her over the phone.
Now the reason I packed up his things was because as you may know already, his lover called me and told me that he was doing heroin and plus he was being very cruel and mean to them. He once grabbed our 5 y.o and hit him so hard that he left him bruised on his back.
So, even dough I wasn't really being beat to death...is that what battered is?? I guess...when all you have left of you are barely any pieces of you...I guess that's what you call being battered.
And that's what I feel like...a whole lot of nothing, trying to get back up and feel like something..it has been many,many years, so I don't even remember what it feels like....and that my dear friends, it's sad.
But I will make it...slowly, but surely. My kids finally today where happy, singing and making jokes, it was a lovely morning. They deserve peace in the house and to always feel like they are well worth it...I love them!!
Thank you for reading, I hope I didn't bore you to death and that you can relate somehow in the understanding of things and to let yourself feel what you need to feel in order to move on.....