The Aftermath.....

OK....hello again, so today I had a meeting with the school teacher and then again, reality stroke again. I am forced once again to make a decision I thought I wold never have to son is so traumatized by so much instability that he is failing in school. I was thrown back to look at our past and forced to see how much of a harm I've caused my children trying to hold on and save my marriage,save him, make him love us. He had abandon us and I was forced to move 3 times this past year, I couldn't and still can't support us. Anyways I decided to have him repeat the second grade (he is currently in 3rd), so that he can be taught again the basics on reading and he can succeed in later years.

This as simple as it sounds, it's NOT, cause you would never as a parent would want to hurt your child or force him to take a step back, but in this case I know it's the best. What I do regret is the fact that I put this child through so, so much and I didn't even see it....til' now.

How could I see that man as such a fantastic and good man and always expected things to be different. Why would I expect anything at all from him?? Still do....and that's why I'm mad. I'm mad that he is having the time of his life with he's girlfriend and giving his all to her and her 4 kids and nothing to his own children. I'm mad that we weren't enough for him to change and stop doing drugs, I'm mad that things didn't turn out how I wanted them to be and that I feel miserable most of the time.

I feel like the biggest looser, first, because I wasn't good enough and second, because I really believed I wasn't good enough and let him step all over me and my boys. Why couldn't I just let him go and move on, why was it so easy for me to forget his cruelty and abuse? Why does it still hurt so much when staying away from him is the best thing that I can do for me and my boys? I don't understand how all this work and most likely I never will....the trick is to STOP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND.

I don't know if I'm  going crazy or if you reader can relate to such an abusive and sick pattern, but it's SICK and I'm tired of trying to fight it. It was always the same....he would leave and I would feel glad and relieved a couple of days later I would start wondering where he was or doing and with who. It's crazy, cause as soon as I see him I REMEMBER. When he is gone I forget, what is that loneliness...I can't let it happen again, cause this time he really hurt us. The boys don't want to be with him alone, they told me they were happy that he left....that's sad. So at the end of the day, that's what keeps me strong...even when I feel like I'm dieing, my job is to protect these amazing boys, cause if I don't, who will??

I hope that tomorrow will be a better day.....I  pray hard, as hard as I can begging God to take this pain away, begging him to allow me to move on and have the strength I need to support my children and guide them .

God help me....God help us all !!!!!




sandylo sandylo
26-30, F
2 Responses Nov 3, 2009

OMG thank you so much for writting that, you have no idea how having a children's perspective makes me stronger, cause reasures my desicion to let go and move in for yhe sake of my boys. He left marks on my 5y.old's lower back, so idesided to get the Dpt. of Childrenn and Family involved. I got a restraining order stating such event and am trying to protect the boys from getting hurt again in the future. It's hard to break the cycle,specially when there is no one else around, but it's like you said a matter of survival. The said they were glad he is gone and that to me is all I need to move forward.<br />
Thank you again for your words of wisdom......

Honey, you're not enough to make him change. His children are not enough to make him change. If he's a drug addict, it could be that his own well-being / life is not enough to make him change.<br />
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My mother was a battered woman and I know exactly what you're talking about. I had trouble in school, too. It's a basic survival issue, growing up in a house where abuse goes on. The survival comes first and school comes second. It's also hard to sleep at night when parents are arguing. I can remember very well, and I'm 31 years old now, how awful that atmosphere is. Don't let him back in your life, hon. It sounds like he's found a woman that will allow him to be in her life and do drugs, too. I feel sorry for her children. That's no kind of home to grow up in.<br />
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You're right - stop trying to understand him. It leads to feeling sympathy for him, and it sounds like he has no sympathy for his own family. My father was an alcoholic and he didn't. I'm expecting any day to get a phone call letting us know that he has died. My mother and I weren't enough motivation for him to turn his life around. He went on and had a second family and they weren't enough motivation, either. He abused my younger half-brother terribly, forcing his hand into a hot pan on the stove. This kind of man you do not want in your life.<br />
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I think you couldn't let him go because you're a kind person. You sound very sweet and I'm willing to bet that you believed there was good in him and you wanted to give him another chance. This has happened in a lot of our families and it ruins a person's ability to trust. But, if you do what's best for yourself and your children, when they grow up I can hear them saying about you, "My mother was such a strong woman. She saved us from our father when he was a drug addict." My mom was a strong woman, too, but she kept giving my dad chance after chance. She said she thought it was the right thing for a wife to do. Finally he proved that he didn't deserve any more chances.<br />
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I will pray tonight for your family, dear. We've been through the same places in hell. We make it through and get stronger and wiser. I hope things start looking up for you very soon!