OK....hello again, so today I had a meeting with the school teacher and then again, reality stroke again. I am forced once again to make a decision I thought I wold never have to face...my son is so traumatized by so much instability that he is failing in school. I was thrown back to look at our past and forced to see how much of a harm I've caused my children trying to hold on and save my marriage,save him, make him love us. He had abandon us and I was forced to move 3 times this past year, I couldn't and still can't support us. Anyways I decided to have him repeat the second grade (he is currently in 3rd), so that he can be taught again the basics on reading and he can succeed in later years.
This as simple as it sounds, it's NOT, cause you would never as a parent would want to hurt your child or force him to take a step back, but in this case I know it's the best. What I do regret is the fact that I put this child through so, so much and I didn't even see it....til' now.
How could I see that man as such a fantastic and good man and always expected things to be different. Why would I expect anything at all from him?? Still do....and that's why I'm mad. I'm mad that he is having the time of his life with he's girlfriend and giving his all to her and her 4 kids and nothing to his own children. I'm mad that we weren't enough for him to change and stop doing drugs, I'm mad that things didn't turn out how I wanted them to be and that I feel miserable most of the time.
I feel like the biggest looser, first, because I wasn't good enough and second, because I really believed I wasn't good enough and let him step all over me and my boys. Why couldn't I just let him go and move on, why was it so easy for me to forget his cruelty and abuse? Why does it still hurt so much when staying away from him is the best thing that I can do for me and my boys? I don't understand how all this work and most likely I never will....the trick is to STOP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND.
I don't know if I'm going crazy or if you reader can relate to such an abusive and sick pattern, but it's SICK and I'm tired of trying to fight it. It was always the same....he would leave and I would feel glad and relieved a couple of days later I would start wondering where he was or doing and with who. It's crazy, cause as soon as I see him I REMEMBER. When he is gone I forget, what is that loneliness...I can't let it happen again, cause this time he really hurt us. The boys don't want to be with him alone, they told me they were happy that he left....that's sad. So at the end of the day, that's what keeps me strong...even when I feel like I'm dieing, my job is to protect these amazing boys, cause if I don't, who will??
I hope that tomorrow will be a better day.....I pray hard, as hard as I can begging God to take this pain away, begging him to allow me to move on and have the strength I need to support my children and guide them .
God help me....God help us all !!!!!