Ki Entie

The trauma, and damage, of something so heavy to carry, he will never understand or know.
I was 16 when I met him online, and had no clue what his desires were let alone how to  service ones desires at all. I had never kissed a boy at the time, and i had become  slowly led into a world of chains, whips, and leather.  That might not sound bad..
but that was what i was sold with. the real world needed to lead me to...was one with unnatural fetishes, and sadistic torturing play.

To sell the idea of BDSM- Bondage, domination sado-masochism,  to someone who is in the lifestyle as they say "vanilla"  is hard.
BDSM Is a tiered hierarchy of EPE- erotic power exchange.
now put simply it dosnt sound frightening or menancing.  And I was sold under the title Dom/Sub, or Dominatrix and Submissive. I would be a dominant partner and he a submissive one. that  meant he told me, that i could tell him what to do, and if he didnt do it, he got punnished. Not quite sure i understood- but i understood that i was able to make someone carry out the things i asked, which to me signifed an act of love at the time.

This quickly I learned was not the case when I had ended up buying boat loads of latex dresses to supplement my dominant actions, and thigh high hooker boots. We settled on PVC,  but he still had a fetish for latex, it was one of his biggest.  I had to go out to the local drugtostores anid buy a supply of latex gloves in addition to my black latex opera gloves i wore.

Then once that was cleared, it was the medical fetishes we had to  clean out.
Nurse I could do. I could dress up in costume and play a part no problem. I was an actress.
But I couldnt illegaly administer novacaine to him and do what he asked afterwards.
Not once did he ask for sex, ever during a session.
He had a fear of intimacy I think, I wanted to have sex, he did not.
He wanted a enema admistered, where i wanted to make love.
He wanted to "breath play" which is where one attempts asphyxiation.
I was more than afraid.
 

He lived 5 hours away- and   regulary our visits started after i signed a contract, a mistress/sub contract,  more sexual based. he stopped by to get his fix. i dealt at first. i read every bdsm book and website i could find to try and  educate myself. I didnt like it though. I loved him, so it must be ok.

In school I was known as The Mistress. the sex know it all. a sex kitten because of this, i received much attention, when in fact i was probably more pure than any of  the girls i went to school with. Finally I  stopped into the counselors office, because i was being pulled so many different ways. I had a new love interest, my mother wanted me to break up with my boyfriend, my family didnt like him, i was exhausted by his needs, so i talked to  her, and she couldnt believe it.

I left him, ultimately because of his need for the things i could not give. i know he loved me, but not enough.

The real issue didnt start till after wards. i was cursed with such a act, innocently thinking it would be fine, i cannot look at sex the same way to this day.

i am a sexual creature, yes, but my view of sex is rather distorted.
because of this.

I obviously no longer serve a mistressing purpose- i permitted another mistress to service my ex via phone and email a few years ago. that was part of the contract.

i have not really done anything of the mistressing bdsm sort ever since and i prefer to keep it that way, but it changed the way i look at sex, and intimacy.

and it physcologically hurt me.