I Was A Junkie A Long Time Ago...

So last night I got out some old journals looking for a poem to add to this website. I found the poem but it wasn't as good as I remembered it,bummer...what I did spend some time doing though was reading through the journal entries from my last months of heroin use and first few weeks of sobriety. I used for 5 years from 1995-early 2000,so it was quite a long time ago in the scheme of things. Why then do I feel so out of sorts today,unbalanced and strange in my own skin?
Is it because I'd forgotten that at its worst my habit was costing me $150 a day not including supporting the boyfriends habit also? Is it because of reading of how it felt to prostitute to pay for these habits? Is it all the lists of hockshop debts that clearly show me how all revolved around smack? ( I still mourn for the beautiful $1400 classical guitar I had in there for months then eventually lost...) Is it the eloquent way I was able to express the horrors of life at that time without any self pity? Is it the fact that I accepted life as it was,knowing that it was not sustainable but not understanding future repercussions of these 'lost' years?Knowing now as I did not then that I would later spend 7 years on ice and meth which would damage me in ways heroin never did? Or is it simply the cringe factor that we all have when reading our own words from a less mature time??
All I know is that today I kinda wish I'd left the journals in the back of the high cupboard where they had been undisturbed for a long time....I WAS a junkie. WAS. A long time ago at that. Now I must stuff the past back in the bag where it belongs.
rustyfrog rustyfrog
36-40, F
Jan 15, 2013