And Only At 13

Most people say that I've grown very quickly for my age. I started smoking when i was only 12 years old. Drinking at 12 years old too.. I skipped school almost every day, I just didnt see much point in it. I was failing and I had no self motivation. I was constantly argueing with my parents while not giving two ***** about what anyone had to say, or think. I actually would get to the point where I would end up fist-fighting with my mom. I fought in the street too. I fought anyone that would look at me wrong. I hated attention! When i was 12 years old, i started the whole "Cutting" phase. They called me cookie cutter hands, because I always had words carved into my wrists describing me feelings, wether it was "**** you", or "I hate you", or anything else that described how i was feeling. When i turned 13, i still had that phase, yet I learned how to forget and just not care about what anyone said about me, so I decided not to take all of that out on myself anymore. I Began keeping to myself more often. But I couldnt make that happen because I lived in a small town, and everyone was always in my buisness. I had social workers coming to my house all the time. I had alot of people that were worried about me. I just wanted to be normal, and not have so many people up my *** all the time. It limited alot of what I really wanted to do. I would disappear from my house for weeks, until I finally decided it was okay to go home. I would sleep at a friends house, or a neighbors house. It was way better than sleeping at my own house. I then decided that I had to just leave it all. I came from a big family, and I lived with 6 girls. You could only imagine what kind of stress there was in that house. I only had myself to depend on, no one else. I decided to finally move with my uncle back in Jersey. I didnt fit in. As soon as I got there, the kids would call me "gothic", or "Emo". I found everything offensive. I then began cutting again. But after about 4 months, I stopped. I made ONE friend only that I really trusted,. her name was Jen. Me and Jen were inseperable. We did everything together. I told her my darkest secrets, and she told me hers. I would come to her when anything was wrong. We smoked together, we cut school together, and did basically everything together! We both sorta had the same additude about things in life, so maybe that's why we blended so much. Until one day, Jen betrayed me and I decided to keep to myself. My name is Eli and I'm only 14 years old, and I find everyhting in life to be very complicated. I'm turning 15 very soon, and yet I still struggle with things. I smoke, drink, skip school, and I simply just dont CARE. Im maybe waiting for someone to help with my self motivation in life. I seem to not trust anyone. I have a wall built up and I just dont want anyone to cross it, AT ALL.
- Leave me alone. Im NORMAL. <3

Keishla Keishla
1 Response Jun 14, 2011

dear eli ask yourself what is normal and is anyone really normal? and alot of people seem to have perfect little lifes but every single one of them had domething wrong with them and at night wishes to be normal and if you really need some one to talk to go to a church near you and just start listening to your sunday school teacher and just ingonor the whispers and laughs at you if there is any about you <br />
hang in there