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Til I Was 29 Years Old

I was a virgin for way too long... I put it down to that I must have been very ugly and boring and nice cute young guys didn't like me enough.... I hardly ever made friends with men on my own... and most were married anyway... I never got invited to parties and I was very isolated during my childhood and teens... no one really liked me although I gave most people what they wanted... tried my best to make them happy even if it was staying out of their way...

Most of the men I went out with my sister chose for me ... they were her rejects and she often insisted I go out with them ... I felt I could do better than most of them - we had very little in common and they didn't turn me on sexually... and they were not really educated or polite even...

I went out with guys that pushed themselves onto me mostly...and I do mean physically bullying me and physically pushing themselves on me... and I began to shy away from men by the time I was 21...  and the ones I really liked did not like me.... its so sad and most of the ones that liked me I didn't go for as much.... I really developed a identity crisis and used to feel weird that no guys at uni or college ever asked me out ever... 
I felt like I was carrying a V on my head and everyone knew I was still a virgin and I must be weird being sexually abused as a child... I used to cry and feel sorry for myself... and I got on with life! as best as I could. I do feel bitter and hurt... but what can I say or do now? 

I certainly did not want to be man handled and date raped by a stranger as a virgin and having my first penetrative sexual experience... it was traumatic to me and I feel like I carry the dirtiness of it with me still... I just never ever wanted to be pushed around like that ... it didn't feel right being controlled and it didn't feel right being with a married man and a stranger... it felt wrong... what he did... anal and forceful and dominating for several hours ... I thought it would be over and done and leave that afternoon but I was scared to get up and go... I wanted to! 
I wasn't expecting to stay the night their in a strange hotel room lonely and fearful... with a stranger. I know they think its funny - I thought I would find a nice guy that would want me a virgin anyway but a lot of guys didn't... they kept saying they didn't want to hurt me and I should be a lesbian.... it was so painful... like how joyce was going on at me and people at tafe and in the film group... 

I really could have done with a nice young man in my late teens or early twenties... I was so scared all the time and shy and I felt so little... I waited and waited and waited and waited and no nice guy wanted me... why?

I hate pushy abusive men but I seemed to end up with them... I like nice gentlemen... I would love a stylish man who treats a lady nicely. I wanted to be clever and I did desire sexual experiences but I really wanted to be a virgin for a nice young man who deserved my love... I didn't want to waste it on the type of man I ended up losing it too...a vomit bucket of crap and lies .... that was the biggest mistake of my life... I will regret forever. regret trusting people who were never really my friends.

I occasionally have the fantasy of meeting a nice lawyer or doctor ... or a banker or something nice... but I know my time is running out... I wanted to be a virgin on my wedding night or at least have a sexual experience with a guy I got to know and fall in love with... in a sweet way... I never had a guy take me to the ekka and share cotton candy with or buy me a love ring etc


I waited too long praying mr right would come along and kiss me under the stars and go out of his way to find a special moment for us together ... to hold me and show me his love.... I so desire mutual passion and love... all my life I have only had unre-quited love ... I have had sexual experiences with men (in different ways and levels of sexual intimacy... ) from the age of 4 or 5 and the majority have been men who have pushed themselves onto me and I have felt nothing for...

I really would have loved to go to a prom with a handsome teen boy as my date... and been a pretty teen and have men take me places and include me in things... I never get invited ... I never get to be in the arms of the cute nice guy... I never get to look pretty for too long before I turn back into a pumpkin...

I don't need glam ... its nice but I am practical too... it would be nice to have a group of genuine friends who ask me out to cafes for tea parties and have fun... go on beach parties and beach weekends... or get asked to a dance or night club or party ... it would be nice to have a boyfriend who wanted me to be happy and doing the things I want to do like study and work and plan a future together...

it would be nice to have nice romantic dates with a boyfriend ...

I do want my own man ....mans man, ladies man, man about town!!! LOL

czaristacrystals czaristacrystals 36-40, F 2 Responses Sep 11, 2011

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I agree what consa stated. I am a virgins too and sometimes I feel like a loser at times. Other times I am proud to be a virgins. I believe in love and sex do go together, but I feeling love does not exist for me. I will say make a charge in your life-do something new-take a risk. I do believe you deserved batter and hope you find it.

What happened to you was terrible and you deserved much better. Your ability to trust men and relax around them may be damaged for a long time.<br />
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Your desires are entirely normal, but the world we live in does not cater very well to someone who thinks as you do. The problem is not you but our society and sexual culture.<br />
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Unless you are religious and only date men you meet through a church youth group, I fear that nowadays to "date" after your 18th birthday means "sexual surrender." And that's not only terribly unromantic, it's also simply wrong. Dead wrong. Your most important human right is your right not to slip out of your clothes until you are fully ready for to do so. That remains true no matter how horny he is.<br />
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It is really too bad that sex life coaching isn't available unless you have a wise and strong mother.