Til I Was 29 Years Old

I was a virgin for way too long... I put it down to that I must have been very ugly and boring and nice cute young guys didn't like me enough.... I hardly ever made friends with men on my own... and most were married anyway... I never got invited to parties and I was very isolated during my childhood and teens... no one really liked me although I gave most people what they wanted... tried my best to make them happy even if it was staying out of their way...

Most of the men I went out with my sister chose for me ... they were her rejects and she often insisted I go out with them ... I felt I could do better than most of them - we had very little in common and they didn't turn me on sexually... and they were not really educated or polite even...

I went out with guys that pushed themselves onto me mostly...and I do mean physically bullying me and physically pushing themselves on me... and I began to shy away from men by the time I was 21...  and the ones I really liked did not like me.... its so sad and most of the ones that liked me I didn't go for as much.... I really developed a identity crisis and used to feel weird that no guys at uni or college ever asked me out ever... 
I felt like I was carrying a V on my head and everyone knew I was still a virgin and I must be weird being sexually abused as a child... I used to cry and feel sorry for myself... and I got on with life! as best as I could. I do feel bitter and hurt... but what can I say or do now? 

I certainly did not want to be man handled and date raped by a stranger as a virgin and having my first penetrative sexual experience... it was traumatic to me and I feel like I carry the dirtiness of it with me still... I just never ever wanted to be pushed around like that ... it didn't feel right being controlled and it didn't feel right being with a married man and a stranger... it felt wrong... what he did... anal and forceful and dominating for several hours ... I thought it would be over and done and leave that afternoon but I was scared to get up and go... I wanted to! 
I wasn't expecting to stay the night their in a strange hotel room lonely and fearful... with a stranger. I know they think its funny - I thought I would find a nice guy that would want me a virgin anyway but a lot of guys didn't... they kept saying they didn't want to hurt me and I should be a lesbian.... it was so painful... like how joyce was going on at me and people at tafe and in the film group... 

I really could have done with a nice young man in my late teens or early twenties... I was so scared all the time and shy and I felt so little... I waited and waited and waited and waited and no nice guy wanted me... why?

I hate pushy abusive men but I seemed to end up with them... I like nice gentlemen... I would love a stylish man who treats a lady nicely. I wanted to be clever and I did desire sexual experiences but I really wanted to be a virgin for a nice young man who deserved my love... I didn't want to waste it on the type of man I ended up losing it too...a vomit bucket of crap and lies .... that was the biggest mistake of my life... I will regret forever. regret trusting people who were never really my friends.

I occasionally have the fantasy of meeting a nice lawyer or doctor ... or a banker or something nice... but I know my time is running out... I wanted to be a virgin on my wedding night or at least have a sexual experience with a guy I got to know and fall in love with... in a sweet way... I never had a guy take me to the ekka and share cotton candy with or buy me a love ring etc


I waited too long praying mr right would come along and kiss me under the stars and go out of his way to find a special moment for us together ... to hold me and show me his love.... I so desire mutual passion and love... all my life I have only had unre-quited love ... I have had sexual experiences with men (in different ways and levels of sexual intimacy... ) from the age of 4 or 5 and the majority have been men who have pushed themselves onto me and I have felt nothing for...

I really would have loved to go to a prom with a handsome teen boy as my date... and been a pretty teen and have men take me places and include me in things... I never get invited ... I never get to be in the arms of the cute nice guy... I never get to look pretty for too long before I turn back into a pumpkin...

I don't need glam ... its nice but I am practical too... it would be nice to have a group of genuine friends who ask me out to cafes for tea parties and have fun... go on beach parties and beach weekends... or get asked to a dance or night club or party ... it would be nice to have a boyfriend who wanted me to be happy and doing the things I want to do like study and work and plan a future together...

it would be nice to have nice romantic dates with a boyfriend ...

I do want my own man ....mans man, ladies man, man about town!!! LOL

czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
Sep 11, 2011