Abandoned By 3 Fathers

Having your father abandon you once is bad enough, but when three men who you love and look to as a father abandon you, it's especially difficult. My biological father left when I was six. My siblings and I saw him every other weekend, and he'd paid child support, but emotionally, he was never there. He shut all of us out and I never felt safe to open up to him. He never made me feel like I was good enough for him and we never bonded. When I was ten my mother remarried. My first stepfather was considerably warmer than my dad, and I was able to become close with him. I felt guilty at times for loving my stepdad more than my real dad. When I was fourteen, my stepdad and my mother divorced and I never heard from him again. This separation hurt me more than my parents divorce. I had loved him, and he seemed to love me, but then he cut me out of his life, with no regard for how much it would hurt me. It affected how I looked at people in general, but especially how I looked at men. To me, men were cold and unfeeling; they could not be trusted, and they would all eventually abandon me, like my dad and stepdad had. When I was seventeen, my mom started seeing someone else. He was a likable guy, but I did everything I could to shut him out. I was convinced that it was dangerous to get close to him, because he would eventually leave. My mom was furious about how cold I was being toward him, but I was so angry at her for trying to force this new guy on me, when it had hurt me so much when her previous two husbands left. Maybe she could move on and open herself up to someone new, but I was still a child and I didn't think it was fair to expect me to do the same. I did eventually start to become close to my mom's new boyfriend, but after several months, just like the two before him, he left. My mom was distraught and kept saying how sorry she was for exposing me to him. I told her it was okay, but inside I was furious. However, this guy proved to be different. First of all, he came back. At first, I was mad at my mom for taking him back, when she didn't consider forgiving my dad or my stepdad. When I saw him for the first time after he left, he hugged me and cried and told me how sorry he was. Not only did he come back, but he apologized for what he did (which neither my dad nor my stepdad ever did) and he seemed to genuinely feel bad about hurting me. He and my mother married when I was eighteen, and have been married for four years now. I am very close with my current stepdad, and he recently told me he considers me to be his daughter. While this meant a lot me, since I now consider him to be my dad, I am still so afraid that I am only hurting myself by being close with him because there is always the chance he will leave again. In my romantic relationships, I often become attracted to men who are unavailable and who I know will eventually abandon me. For years I couldn't figure out why I was doing this, but it was because I had become so attached to the trauma of being abandoned in my childhood that I was subconsciously setting myself up for situations where it would be repeated.
KOJ87 KOJ87
22-25
3 Responses Aug 3, 2010

I also have a negative opinion about men because of my dad. <br />
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-miss- miss- miss my dad..

Hey, thanks very much for this post. I went through rounds 1 and 2 (dad and stepdad) walking out on us, so I really hear where you're coming from. And now that I'm starting to acknowledge how much this has all affected me, it hit me that I choose men that are unavailable and will ultimately leave me heartbroken. Have you figured out yet how to get over all this stuff and heal? I would sure love to know. Thanks again for sharing, really appreciate it.

Hey, thanks very much for this post. I went through rounds 1 and 2 (dad and stepdad) walking out on us, so I really hear where you're coming from. And now that I'm starting to acknowledge how much this has all affected me, it hit me that I choose men that are unavailable and will ultimately leave me heartbroken. Have you figured out yet how to get over all this stuff and heal? I would sure love to know. Thanks again for sharing, really appreciate it.