I never really SAW him knowing he was my father. I have an idea now of whom he is. I don't know why he let me down, if it was because he didn't care about me, or because my "family" didn't want him around. Or if it is because he didn't feel he could handle a child at the time. If he would like now. Well, that makes a lot of "ifs". I can't base myself on that.
Updated July, 11, 2008: I do not think my father "abandoned" me really, that it wasn't exactly what he intended. I have the feeling he didn't know about me, and when he came back because he traveled for some reason, he was estranged. I also believe that he asked to my grand-parents who had my guard, to allow us to meet, and they refused. My father might be dead. Or my grand-father. I'm unable to express with words, not said, not written, how I feel about these information.
So I leave that group.
Updated January, 30, 2009: I'm still not that in that group, though I still father it Lol And I always like to update.
I read my story again, and that didn't make sense when I write 'handle a child now". I'm obviously not a child anymore, I don't really need to be fathered, I'm not so much looking for a father figure. So now I wonder what exactly I'm looking for. I'm not somebody who likes to live in the past, I mostly look forward, It's just... like a hand holding my leg back. I feel well with what I am today, with the people I know. If I incorporate a father in my life, that won't be related to the past, but to the future, what I say is honest, and I find it interesting. I must pinpoint what are my motives. I know one of them: curiosity. Yet there is something more unexplained, a sort of mental attraction, that wakes me up at night sometimes, like a call.
Updated June, 22, 2009: I realize that I'm still into it because my story is especially unclear. When I read similar stories here, I realize for most of you, there was somebody else to raise you, mostly mother. Not for me. Then lots of you know what happened before they were born, and after, and why their father isn't there, in their lives. Me not. For some of you, there was a loving step-dad. Me not. For you, it's clear, for me it's not because I don't know if my father wanted to know me, and as I saw him sometimes, on the street (yes I believe the man I saw was my father, it goes with what my mother told me), I have the hope that was because he wanted to knw me. Now he doesn't answer me when I try to contact him. Some say it's because he's afraid, or ashamed, or that he has issues with himself because of what he did. But I have no prejudices, and I have all my head. I see both sides of the story, and I know it's rare there's only one responsible. Well sometimes, but not here, it's pretty clear. So I need to understand. If I thought my father was a bad person, honestly, I'd drop it. I would've dropped it a long time ago.
I'm also a little tired to talk to intermediates. GR takes me for an idiot, and I admit I push it a little. I wouldn't like to disappoint him I have difficulties with people who tell these kind of things "I've worked for him for 10 years!" That doesn't mean you know everything. That doesn't mean you're in his little papers, apparently you don't know him that well. That's naive for a smart man. Personally I'm cautious and don't base myself on appearances. So I'll suppose he's a smart man, though, GR. As for my father, well that's a great summary somehow "he's out of town".
It's pretty clear today I don't need a father. I've been alone for 8 years. I mean I live with my partner. I'm not the kind to go crying for money or at the first bruise. I take care of myself. But know the truth would be useful to build myself, to grow up, what I terribly need. I feel like a butterfly trapped in a cocoon. And if my father is really a good person, I have nothing against knowing him. That could be important to listen to him. For me it's an evidence. Maybe for him too. I have the sentiment that story took a dramatic turning. Things can be very simple, I learnt that. You say hi, you sit down, or walk, and you say things quietly, and simply. I think it's a good thing to hear everyone, because it raise the doubt on many misunderstandings. I'm trying to do it with everyone on my family, mother's side.
If you read this father, try to think about it, seriously.