Still Miss Him Like A Little Girl!

I was such a daddys girl. My sister was always my moms favorite, and I was my dads shadow. He took me everywhere with him. He was calm, unlike alot of my boyfriends, he had no temper, unlike alot of my boyfriends. If I compare him to any relationship I have had or seen my mother with, he seems so different, and like a good man, and and a good dad. So it is so confusing to me, how he never came to see me again. After my parents divorced.. We were living in
London, England and we moved back to Florida, my dad stayed in England. When I was 9, he came to visit me.. And I still remember when we dropped him off at the airport, even as a little girl, I was thinking I should keep that picture in my head, of him waving goodbye, because it might be the last time I ever see him again... And so far it was, And I'm 25 now...
When I was 9, we did talk every weekend, and  we would say  I love you ten times befor we hung up the phone. After he got married and had a baby, he stopped calling and writing.. and  I got a postcard maybe once a year , with the same thing always written on it "I'll try to write you more, or call you more xoxo"
But he never did... And when he would call, every 2 or 3 years, he would say he'll call me next weekend.. But he never did.. And we stopped saying I love you. We were more like awkward strangers on the phone.
The last time we talked, I called him about a year and 6 months ago. I asked for Jay, and it was him. He was very surprised, and I just told him how old my kids were now, and that I was married now, and had another baby since we last talked. I told him how tall me and my sister were, only 5 foot and he was very surprised that we were so short! Then he hit me with a question that hurt me so bad ! He said "When is your birthday so I can try to give you a call then." And I told him my birthday, and my sisters birthday.. And he seemed to want to hang up so  I let him go.
I went home that day and every night I missed him a little, and just kind of wanted to somehow have a relationship with him even though it seems so awkward between us.
So on my birthday, I was really hoping for months before it came up, that he would call..and ofcourse he didn't, I didn't tell my husband or anyone but inside,  I was very hurt and dissappinted. I have never really shared with anyone how much it really hurts me. Its been a year since my last birthday and he still hasn't called. So I have decided, I really need to try to move on with my life, and stop hoping that he's going to come around and want to be my daddy again. It's been about 16 years now..  And I try to ignore the feelings , I have tried to ignore them since I was younger, but every now and then I find myself thinking about him and just having this feeling like I want to be my daddys little girl again, I just want to lay on his shoulder or sit on his lap, and be with him.. But I can't , and I don't know why he is so over me... I thought I was his special daughter, not someone he could just get over....Growing up I always thought that he would come around and we would be close again, but it never happened..
I have jealousy issues, low self esteem, I have been in several abusive relationships.. and this seems like a psych book, but I am afraid to be alone, live alone or not be in a relationship... So what do I do from here... How do you get over someone that your not supposed to have to get over..Your dad
AleaLuv AleaLuv
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 22, 2011

*hugs* wow. What a sense of loss you must live with. There could be a million reasons any person would do what they do, but none of those reasons help the fact that you miss and want your dad in your life. I have a daughter now that i am not able to see everyday and everytime i see pictures of her with her mom and their family and fun times they have had, it just makes me think of all the tyhings I have missed in my daughters life. that in itself makes me want to be with her more....not less.<br />
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As to how you get over it, I doubt there is anything you dcan really do to get over it. i mean, moms and dads are so important to our lives, you kinda live with that emptiness inside all the time. the only thing that can truly fill it is that person. I think just acceptance of the situation is the only thing you can do.<br />
<br />
the more you want people to change, the more they will stay the same.