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Dear Father

I have some many questions, so many things I want to know, but it seems that you will do as you have always have- blame everyone else for your mistakes. You left before I was born, my mom told me that you were there to tell her to push, and after that you were gone. The next time you were visible, was simply by mistake, you were in a park with another woman. You seen us, I was just a baby, but you decided to pass us by.Growing up, I never understood why you were not around, or why you promised things that you would never follow up on.

Years of lies and empty promises, but I guess for your own guilty soul you would pick me up every now and then, the next time? That's something that I never knew. The years passed, and as I got older you would think I would have a better understanding of why you were not there. But little did I knew you were like super dad to my stepsister, sharing fond memories, going places, the beach, Disneyland, and then, still young, I began to realize, all those places, you promised to take me. I try not to resent you now, but the truth is I have resented you for years, how can I start over and learn to trust you again? I find the task impossible.

I never ask you for anything, and the one time I needed help you were not there, so what am I supposed to do? Leave my heart open so you can crush it again? Sometimes I feel like that same little girl, waiting for you on the doorstep, my hair combed, with my favorite dress on, waiting for you to show up, but you never do. I feel like the same little girl that seen you at the fairgrounds and I know you looked at me but you kept going. What have I done? Is it my fault? Please make it clear for me because I don't understand. Because of you I have a fear of really truly loving a man, because I know the pain of them leaving, or if they are getting close to my heart, it's like walking on egg shells. I know you try to make up for lost time sometimes, but you and I both know that sometimes you could care less if I called or not.

But I should be thanking you, maybe I wouldn't have gotten as far if you would have been there for me. I still love you papa.

Love, Layali
LadyLayali LadyLayali 26-30, F Apr 11, 2011

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