Not My Choice

I am 56 yrs old now. I have managed to cover up or suppress any and all thoughts of the abandonment of myself by my father. Things like this were not discussed in my family and no matter what the world gives you, you fix it your self. No pity, no pain and no complaints. I had no clue of how this is and has impacted my life. It has in so many bad ways. My dad left our family for another woman and money. He abandoned a wife and five children including me the youngest at 4. I remember making up stories to tell my friends why my dad was still the best. I did not give up on him and always thought he would come back even though he never would. I was his biggest fan. I was not his. Visits to his home proved that his real family was not equal to the family he chose. They lived in a very nice home and they drove the finest of cars and wore the nicest of clothes. My mom rented a small two bedroom apartment and we 6 lived on her meger income. I bet he never paid a total of over 1000 in support of his real family. As I grew I began to see how horrible he was and kinda insulated myself from him. As I became older I developed problems with substance abuse and failed relationships. I now am working with a great counselor to rid myself of addictions and to try and resolve the issues related to this abandonment. I hope I do succeed. I hate my dad for what he did but you know he just did not have a clue. He has passed and I can not talk with him about this. I am sure he will have to answer for his actions as all of us will have to do. If Jesus can forgive me, maybe I can learn to forgive too. I have read much of the pain on this site due to abandonment and can appreciate all of the suffering and problems created from our past generations. May God bless each of us and lessen our pain.
Lostchildgrown Lostchildgrown
56-60, M
1 Response Sep 9, 2012

I really never thought a man could feel the hurt and anger a woman does when they are abandoned. My life experience is much the same as yours but I am the little girl abandoned by Daddy and had the "I'm going to leave this guy before he leaves me" syndrom for most of my life. Luckily my husband never let me leave and he is my "daddy"...he always says "whos your Daddy"...I am now ruining this very special relationship by allowing my Father who I don't hardly know to live with us...he is 90. I think you are lucky your Father has passed. i almost wish I never got to know mine.