My Secret Sorrow.

My Irish mother met my Pakistani father while they were both working in Saudi Arabia in the eighties. They met at his birthday party that my mums friend dragged her to.
A feet weeks later they married, eventually moved to Ireland. I was born just before Christmas 1988. I have pictures (no memories at all) and stories from others that suggest that I had a happy life and adored my father. By the time I was 2yr 6months old he was gone. He tried to take me with him, even getting an Irish lady friend of his to pose as my mother so nobody would be suspicious at the airport. My mother grabbed me off him as he tried to get into his getaway car. That was it. He never came back..... He phoned once a year until I was about 9. Then nothing for years. I remember getting a birthday card from some kid claiming to be my sister, and another from my brother...... That's when I found out that he had another wife and children in Pakistan. I never really thought about him at all, but after that the phantom image I had of him lost all value. He wasn't 'mine' after all. I went to Pakistan to meet him when I was 17. I stayed in his house with his wife and 3 children, a son a year and a bit older than me, a daughter 7monts (yes7) younger than me and another girl of 11. They were nice to me (except his wife). I felt like a ghost. I was in a house with some man and his family. I had nothing to say to him. He only took me for a drive, just the two of us once. Didn't say much. I asked him to come home with me. He said he couldn't leave his children. After staying two weeks I went home to my mum. I kept some contact with my father until one day it emerged that he'd had a child with a Dutch girl when he lived in Holland when he was 20. He abondened that boy who eventually died at 13.
Hearing this I decided never to speak to him again. Once is a mistake, twice is different.
I'm 23 now. I live in Japan. There is a hole in my heart and in my life that nothing can fill. I don't think about my father very much. I can talk about him with other when they ask. But when I think about him by myself I always cry. My heart always clenches and aches.
Kagero Kagero
22-25, F
Nov 26, 2012