I'm Done Trying!

My parents devorced when I was 2yrs old due to my father's infidelity with my mother's bestfriend's sister. Being quite young, they basically dropped me off at my gandma's for her to raise me. My mother was always on the party and my father began his life dealing and using drugs. Due to his choices, Johnny (my father) spent the majority of his young adulthood in and out of jail. I have only a few memories of him, (one in particular)... I was about 7yrs old and it was christmas time. Johnny had called and asked if he could come see me for christmas. My grandma was hesitant but agreed because she knew I wanted to see them. I was super excited, not only because Johnny said he had a "big surprize" for me, but mainly because I had not met my new half baby sister. The day of christmas my family had a big gathering (always done at my grandma's house). While my family celebrated inside, I chose to wait outside for Johnny to show up. I waited hours even though my grandma was opposed. She tried numerious times to get me to go inside, but I was stubborn. I remember almost giving up and wanting to go inside when I heard my uncles play their guitars. That was my favorite part about christmas. The family would all sit in the livingroom to listen to my uncles play. I remember it being cold out cuz I entertained myself by throwing rocks at the iceicles hanging off the porch's edge. I remember holding the wrapped up doll I had bought my baby sister. I sat there and sat there and sat there...and nothing. After sitting there a little over 4 hours I gave up. He never showed. Never bothered to call. Nothing. We didn't hear from him until a few months later when we found out he was sentenced for murdering two brothers. I was 16 when he got out. A few months after his release, he called and said he had plenty of time to think of his life and that he regretted not playing a persistant role in my life. He asked if I could give hime a second chance at being my dad. I agreed. However, after that I did not hear from him agian. It was not until years later, when I was visiting an aunt (my father's sister), that I saw Johnny agian. My daughters were apx. 4 & 6yrs old at the time. Johnny took it upon himself to tell my daughters that he was their grandpa. "Hell no he was not"! How could he be their grandpa when he wasn't even my father!?? I calmly told Johnny not to be confussing my children and he got all upset. (fake crying and s***) Needless to say, that cut my visit short. (I was out of there , quike like)! Since then, I have been getting to know my half brother and half sister (whom are 19 and 21yrs old). When I was on a phone call with my sister, Johnny showed up at her house and asked to speak with me. I refused...That same day, it so happened that we were invited to a birthday party for one of our close friends.( A drinking party at that). I drank a whole lot. Fun night! =)...That was until I got home and decided to "drunk call' Johnny and share some overdue feelings with him. (Not always a good idea to drunk call people) (hehe). Well, to make that call short, Johnny couldn't hack what I had to say and hung up on me. (Damn coward). About 2 Days later, I recieve a call form Johnny saying how sorry he was and that he wasn't capable of being there for me before because his life was all screwed up. (Funny though, how he was able to be there for his other 2 children). Anyways, my fricken soft heart allows him another chance. And actually, it was going ok there for a while. He was making an effort to call and wanted to make plans to visit. I'm not even gonna lie, it felt pretty nice to have a dad. Something I have always thought about... Well, here I am with an up date....It's been 5 months later and i haven't heard a word from him. I know there will come a day when he remembers he has another daughter, but I don't even care to hear his excuses anymore. I'm done!....I'm a smart,strong, independent, loyal and caring woman who loves with all my heart and soul. I have 2 beautiful, smart, talented, hugable, loveable, totally amazing daughters...And to you Johnny, I'll I have left to say is "YOUR LOSS SUCKER"!!!!!
31-35, F
2 Responses Jan 23, 2013

I have spent the all night sitting up crying over my dad. I think I have it all cried out for the time being and was glad I found this post! It helps to know that even though i'm an adult now it's ok to still feel the way I do!

Aww sweetie, welcome to my dead-beat dad club! Lol...Don't shed another tear over this guy. We can't force people to care, nor would I want to! If a you don't genuinely love me, then poof, be gone!!!! I do agree with you, I felt a bit stupid and embarrassed about having adult feelings over not having a "daddy", but I've come to realize that I had those feelings as a child and I wasn't able to let go of them until I came to terms with the fact that I just wasn't ment to have a dad. However, I have been blessed with so many people in my life who actually love me. I focus on them! I wish you better (tearfree) days! =)

Yes his loss...your story is quite similar to mines....and at this point in my life im about to just throw the towel in.

Well if you chose you can be the 3rd member to my (Dead-beat Dads) club. Just kidding...hehe. But on the real, what can we do? Adjust and push forward. Surround yourself with good people. I wish you luck! =)