I Still Miss Him Every Day
I am so happy I found a group of people who understand what I am feeling.
I was raised by the brother of my real father (which is another story) from the age of 2. Even though circumstances weren't perfect, he was the perfect father. He was there for me and my little brother in every single way you could imagine. He learned me how to walk and talk, how to stand up for myself, he learned me how to read, he played with me and danced with me, made silly jokes and took care of me like any good father would.
My real father never cared much for us. We saw him like once a month and he didn't really know what to do with us, so he always took us to the zoo... for many many years. In the end, we didn't really see him much at all, but it didn't really matter because his brother was my father. I had never known any different and I was happy.
Unfortunately, he and my mom divorced when I was eleven. The divorce was terrible, we were all so devastated. He made my mom sign all this official document to prevent her from keeping us away from him. I remember one day when he brought me to school.. I started crying and asked him if he would still be there for us. He sat down next to me and told me that he was my father and that he loved us more than I could imagine and that he would ALWAYS be there for us. I believed him!
But after one year, he wrote us a letter saying that it was all too hard for him and that he couldn't see us anymore. I just couldn't believe it and tried to contact him a few times and begged him to get in touch again, but he said he couldn't. After one year, after several attempts from me to get back in touch, he agreed to try it again. It wasn't really like it used to be, but I was so happy to be able to see him again and talk to him again. But after one year, out of the blue, he decided that this didn't work for him and said that he never wanted to see us again. I have never seen him ever since.
Sometimes I wander how people can be so selfish... I still miss him everyday. I want to tell him so much and I want him to be proud of me. But on the other side, I hate him for what he put me through. I'm from Holland and Holland is a small country.. he lives close to a famous Dutch beach and everytime I go there I am afraid that I will see him there or maybe I kinda hope to see him there. And then I start to think what I will do and say to him and how he would react. It's all so complicated and I know that I will never get him back.
I feel stupid for still missing him... it has been 7 years since he has left us.
I called him about two years ago and started crying and asking him why and he just kept blaming my mom for all sorts of things that had nothing to do with it. I told him how much he had hurt me and he said he was sorry. But he sounded so distant and cold. I guess I was hoping to hear that he missed me and that he never meant for things to turn out the way they did, but he didn't say that. He just said that he wasn't ready to get back in touch with us.
I really try to understand and to let go... but it's just so hard.
I still miss him every day!