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I Still Miss Him Every Day

I am so happy I found a group of people who understand what I am feeling.

I was raised by the brother of my real father (which is another story) from the age of 2. Even though circumstances weren't perfect, he was the perfect father. He was there for me and my little brother in every single way you could imagine. He learned me how to walk and talk, how to stand up for myself, he learned me how to read, he played with me and danced with me, made silly jokes and took care of me like any good father would.

My real father never cared much for us. We saw him like once a month and he didn't really know what to do with us, so he always took us to the zoo... for many many years. In the end, we didn't really see him much at all, but it didn't really matter because his brother was my father. I had never known any different and I was happy.

Unfortunately, he and my mom divorced when I was eleven. The divorce was terrible, we were all so devastated. He made my mom sign all this official document to prevent her from keeping us away from him. I remember one day when he brought me to school.. I started crying and asked him if he would still be there for us. He sat down next to me and told me that he was my father and that he loved us more than I could imagine and that he would ALWAYS be there for us. I believed him!

But after one year, he wrote us a letter saying that it was all too hard for him and that he couldn't see us anymore. I just couldn't believe it and tried to contact him a few times and begged him to get in touch again, but he said he couldn't. After one year, after several attempts from me to get back in touch, he agreed to try it again. It wasn't really like it used to be, but I was so happy to be able to see him again and talk to him again. But after one year, out of the blue, he decided that this didn't work for him and said that he never wanted to see us again. I have never seen him ever since.

Sometimes I wander how people can be so selfish... I still miss him everyday. I want to tell him so much and I want him to be proud of me. But on the other side, I hate him for what he put me through. I'm from Holland and Holland is a small country.. he lives close to a famous Dutch beach and everytime I go there I am afraid that I will see him there or maybe I kinda hope to see him there. And then I start to think what I will do and say to him and how he would react. It's all so complicated and I know that I will never get him back.

I feel stupid for still missing him... it has been 7 years since he has left us.

I called him about two years ago and started crying and asking him why and he just kept blaming my mom for all sorts of things that had nothing to do with it. I told him how much he had hurt me and he said he was sorry. But he sounded so distant and cold. I guess I was hoping to hear that he missed me and that he never meant for things to turn out the way they did, but he didn't say that. He just said that he wasn't ready to get back in touch with us.

I really try to understand and to let go... but it's just so hard.

I still miss him every day!

Elreev Elreev 18-21, F 24 Responses Jan 29, 2009

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I understand. Particularly about the zoo part, and his not knowing what to do with you. I can relate to that. Sometimes I miss my father but it's really just the memory that I miss. He's still around, of course, he's just someone else's father now.<br />
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It gets better with time, but the fact itself will always remain and always suck as much as it does now. That much will always be hard and will never get easier, but you will live. I have other people who took his place in my life.<br />
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I'll never understand people who let anything get in the way of their being the best parent they possibly can be.

It sounds like he is just really in love with your mother it is too hard to see her or have any kind of discussions with her. It sounds like the reason he had to stop seeing you it had nothing to to with you at all and unti he can completly get over your mother than he can't handle seeing you. Maybe in the future when he finds another true love he will have the strength to see you again.

look up the song "Abba" by Jonathan David Helser. <br />
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I belive in JESUS NAME that it will bring healing to you. You are so beautiful and you are so loved.

Think of the most perfect Father..list it all out. <br />
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Now know He exists. Know that He knew you before you were even in your mother's womb. Know He is your offense and your defense and most of all His faithfulness is unfailing. You were made to be the King's daughter. You have a heart of gold, He longs to replace your mourning with an oil of gladness and a garment of Love. You are so good. He longs for you ot accept your identity in Him, and He'll show you all of the things of Heaven, and He longs for Heaven to dwell inside of you. He wants to free you from all abandonment and nightmares, He has His angels around you right now, and know that Holy Spirit is the carrier of Peace.<br />
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You are loved. Psalm 139 (look it up!) :))

I am so sorry for the pain that you feel from not knowing your day. It is sad that he hasn't kept in contact with you and watched you grow up. You were very fortunate to have such a kind and loving uncle who took over where your dad left off. I can relate to that well since I raised my older brother's kids when he and his ex lost custody of them. They were all quite young when they came to my home and I finished raising them. Their mother and father also hardly ever saw them after they lost custody of the kids and I always felt that was so sad for the kids. Sure they had me and my husband as mother and father figures and they loved living with us. We adopted them and raised them right along with our own kids and for the most part we were one big happy family. But I know that my brother's kids suffered because they felt that their parent's didn't love them enough to call or come by. Birthdays and holidays came and went with no phone call, card, gift or anything from their parents and even when the kids didn't say anything I know they were hurting. I just wish that more parents would realize the pain they cause their kids when they just walk out of their lives like that. Even if they aren't able to raise them themselves they should at least have the decency to stay in touch. I hope that sometime in the future your dad will wake up and realize what he has given up and want to have a relationship with you and I hope that at that time the two of you are able to mend fences. I wish you all the best.

yaar!!!!!!!!! its too long i didnt read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <br />
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anyways all d best.........................

It made me tear up when you were talking about being at school and him telling you he loved you and would always be there. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember being in the backseat of the car with all of my toys dolls and belongings and seeing my Dad on the steps. I remember running out of the car to him and him hugging me. He said the same things to me that your Dad did. He stuck around for a while and then poof he was gone for 7 years. He came back and for few years he was fine. Now it's as if he's abandoning me again. He's an acquaintance. I 100% know how you feel. I wish I could give you advice but to be honest I have none. All I can say is that I know how you feel. Life goes on and all you can do is learn from his errors and be a better parent than he was. I don't believe parents know the pain they inflict on their children. Good luck I wish you the best.

That is a tough thing to experience. I remember when my parents dropped me off. I was four. They told me that I was going to visit my paternal grandparents on their farm for a couple of weeks. That was exciting to me because of the chickens, cows, pigs, and the dogs and cats. After a while, my little boy mind decided that something was up because I was pretty sure I wasn't supposed to there for two birthdays. I missed my mum and dad. More than a year later, my dad came to see me. He took me with him but only for a weekend. He told me that he and my mum had divorced. I wasn't sure what that meant but it seemed to mean that they got rid of me so they didn't have to live together anymore. Then he took me back to my grandparents where I stayed for 17 years. They were kind of old, but I had my refuge in the woods.<br />
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At first my father saw me every week or two for a few hours, but he started skipping a lot to go on vacations, and he also had girlfriends from time to time. I liked his girlfriends except for one who was sort of mean. He married her. My dad made a lot of money with his work, but he didn't like to use it with me. I had to go to work when I was 15 so I could buy clothes and help my grandparents although he gave them $50 per month for child support. My grandmother's brother finally took me to a dentist for the first time when I was nine. I had 12 cavities.<br />
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I was a good student and never got caught with all my weed and drinking. I don't know how I didn't lose it, but I graduated with honors. Dad originally refused to attend my graduation but finally relented. He also agreed to pay for college. I wanted to go to Tulane in New Orleans and he agreed to foot the bill. I was intent on getting into medical school. He and his wife took me to New Orleans, but on the way, he told me that he would only pay for the first semester. I would be on my own after that. I had no idea how I would pay for a university like Tulane. He had said he was paying for it so I had not gone through the financial aid process. I panicked and returned to my grandparents within 1 week.<br />
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Time passed, I put myself through college, got married, had two children. I tried to keep in touch with him, but my son was three years old before my dad could remember his name. My wife and I had been dealing with a big secret, that I am gay. We were doing it on our own, but finally I told my father. He offered to help my wife divorce me, which she refused, then severed contact with us for 10 years. We remained married because we love each other and we love our children more. Our life has been pretty good. About three years after my father and I reestablished contact, he died unexpectedly. As I expected, his third wife of two years got everything although she did give me a box of old photographs. He was planning to divorce her prior to his death Two years after he died, she died and her children got everything. Both houses, all the cars, the stocks and bonds, the investment property, etc. They did find another box of photographs, which they sent to me.<br />
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I don't even remember where he is buried.<br />
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I am 56 now, and it still hurts me sometimes. My advice is to find a good therapist and put both scumbags behind you. A man who abandons his children is not worthy of the love a child has for him. If you don't, you will spend the rest of your life wondering what is wrong with you (nothing by the way) to cause him to leave you behind. Raise your own children in a way that is opposite of how you were raised. My wife and I adopted the negative role model of our parents. If we were not sure what to do with our children in a particular situation we would imagine what our parents would do then did the opposite. I think it worked out alright. Our children grew up, went to college, and have their own families. Both became lawyers by the way.<br />
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You have to work through this trauma, or it will end up eating you alive. It almost got me at one point, but at the last minute, I decided I would find a way to afford a good therapist. For the record, I urge you to stay away from church ba<x>sed therapists. They are the worst because they want to fr<x>ame everything in terms of right and wrong, moral or immoral, and some things are not so clear cut. If my wife and I had continued seeing the church ba<x>sed therapist we started seeing at first, we would have divorced and our children would have been harmed.

Im sorry for you loss. Don't give up. It's hardly a consoluation, but he probably feels a tremendous amount of guilt, and maybe he expects some backlash. Keep your heart open.

To be perfectly honest with you anyman that can walk away from his two kids isnt a man that i personaly would want to be proud of me and its fine for you to hate him for what he has done to you in fact its perfectly normal i know he is your father but anyone can be a father it takes someone special to be a dad , your uncle sounds more like a dad so maybe you should look towards making him proud of you.<br />
I do however think you should keep the lines of communication open just in case he comes back into your life .

wow how i wish i was there so i can hug you and tell you that you are not stupid... you are a real person know how to love and show respect to the people who raised you.... don't feel bad about it God has a reason for everything you just need to wait for the right time when God will show you why and for what.... i cried when i read your story because we had the same.... don't forget him because i know he really loves you because if not he will get you and let you see the things that he didn't want you to see and for sure it can hurt you and you will surely hate him....... when you see him hug him and tell him no matter what happened you are still willing to be with him...... that he still have you....... YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT PERSON I SALUTE YOU

Some people are just bad people. And others are bad judges of character. It's a shame.

Dear, <br />
<br />
He is unhappy in his new life, believe me! He is simply trying to escape from reality.<br />
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I believe he never tries to rectify the problem or perhaps he did, but failed and then despaired! <br />
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I am unaware of your parents life in the past, but I believe that your mum should not be the main excuse, coz you and your brother aren't guilty. In fact, there is no logical excuse for him to make you feel miserable. <br />
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My advice to you is to pray and keep in touch with him.

Your short-term goal is study hard. And your long- term goal is achieve success in your life. You can sighn up tol very interesting club or inroll in AMEDIEST .Here you can forget your pain.

YOU ARE A BIG BOY NOW. SO YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT LIFE IS LIFE.YOU SHOULD TAKE LIFE EASIER.CALM DOWN.TELL HIM THAT YOU LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT.KEEP IN TOUGH. I'LL BET HE'II CHAGE HIS MIND AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY.

well, maybe he has his own reasons, cause after what you said its so obvious that he cares alot... and im sure he has his own reasons.... but make sure you dont forget him after what he did, continue liking him. and ''NEVER GIVE UP''...... keep trying to get in toutch. one day he will realize what he is doing is wrong. and i hope when that happens, i really hope you will be happy and you wont say its to late. and dont hate your father too. cause hate will make you just like them... im not saying they are bad. im saying they have mistakes and you should learn from them. and i wish you and them the best of luck.........

Dunno if this will help, but I needed to chime in.<br />
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I miss my father and my sons.<br />
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Its difficult to move on with your life as a father after a separation.<br />
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I wish my sons would call or even text to say they miss me. <br />
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Suggestions for you:<br />
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- Call or text once a week just to say hi and tell him you miss him<br />
- Tell him that you are separate from his relationship with mom<br />
Let him vent, if he needs to but realize its venting<br />
- Visit him and tell him you love him no matter what<br />
- Appreciate him for who and what he is, as he is.<br />
<br />
<br />
-DWD

Dearest Elreev,<br />
<br />
I doubt if this will help, it might even make it worse. But like the others who responded, I am moved by your experience. <br />
Im not sure if it will help, but I would like to share an experience from the "opposite extreme" which turned out to be "no picnick" in the end, and I do mean the end. <br />
MY growing up experience was for sure the polar opposite from you. My mother and father were life long loves, who married, reared their family, grew old and died. My childhood was that of a storybook. My parents were always there for us. We were not rich, but lacked for nearly nothing. My dad was with me in little league ball, the boy scouts, and other activities. always there, sharing, loving and giving. I admit that to a large degree, I didnt appreciate what I had. Even after I moved away and began my own family, we were all close, they were great grandparents too. My boys loved them to death. <br />
You might remember that old worn out tv show "Leave it to Beaver". MY childhood was a lot like that, idealic..... I was the Wally of my family. <br />
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Years turn into decades, time keeps marching on. Eventually, my folks health began to fail. My mother was very sick for a year, suffered tremenously, and dr's are all to eager to keep them hanging on for profit. I lived in Dallas and drove to OKC (with my father in tow) every weekend for a year to see her. We walking into her room one saturday at the nursing home. She lay before us in bed, in a drug induced stupor. Someone elses (name attached) urinal was on her breakfast tray at her lap. A few weeks later, I sat beside her with my 83yr old father, and we together watched her take her last breath. <br />
My dads health began a rapid decline. Once a strong and proud man who served with distinction in the Pacific theater in WWII, Japs chasing his group all over hell trying to kill them. - he and his buddies, good ol boys from Oklahoma, showed those Japs a thing or 2. Mother nature did what the japs couldnt. Alzhiemers, dementia, parkinsons and the rest....... he ended up in a nursing home as well. I stopped by one evening to see him. Walked into his room. Sitting in his wheelchair, he turned from the window to look at me when I entered. He looked puzzled, "do you know who I am", I asked, "NO" he replied, as he turned away. <br />
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Those we the last words my father ever spoke to me. The next morning I got a call, "Its time" the lady at the nursing home said. I went down, sat in a chair beside his unresponsive body, just like I did my mother, and watched him take his last breath. <br />
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I had good parents, a great childhood and was very fortunate, I know that. It is all overshadowed by the most recent events which were abject horror. I see myself in home movies, I know that is me blowing out candles on my cake at 5yrs old. Its there on film, but I can harldy remember. Today, whenever I think of my father, I think of looking into his eyes as he spoke those last words before I think of anything else.<br />
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Life dealt you a bad break, and I feel for you. And I know I got a lucky break, especially by todays standards. All I am saying is that even if you had what you dreamt of, there isnt necessarily a giddy happy ending to it all. I serisouly doubt if I am as happy as you are today.<br />
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This horrible ordeal was more than my marriage could take. I lost my wife as a result (indirectly)<br />
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Like a friend of mine said. Life is unfair, life just sucks. but if you can get over that fact, you can at least have some fun and try to be happy. <br />
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Woulnt it have been interesting to have met you, with you and me being sort of on opposite ends of the spectum........smile <br />
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If there really is a God, you and I both will have some questions for him wont we......<br />
<br />
Dwayne

Thank you for sharing. A lot of things you are sharing in your story are very real to me as well. As an older person now, I sometimes think about how my life has been without my father who has lived less than 200 miles away and, "it's okay now". But, it took me quite a while to get to this point. I wrote some encouraging words about some of my feelings and how to continue to love and cope when your father abandons you. ("How To Love Your Father Even After He Abandons You") It is a journey and I would like to encourage you to be strong.

I wish you were right.. although I don't wish any bad things for him. I'm afraid that's probably not the case though. I think we're just not 'convenient' for him anymore, too bad for us. I recently heard that he is living a very happy life, turned to Buddism and stuff, has a nice girlfriend, is travelling and just enjoying life. Seems to me that he has no regrets whatsoever :(

Wait... let me see if I got this right... This man who had no actual obligation to you became a surrogate father and your mom... who really IS to blame in this scenario gets a free pass? wtf?

Its my belief that your father has a drug or alcohol problem. He is obviously embarressed about it, and does not want you to see him in this condition. <br />
I think you need to find him again. Let him know that you love him unconditionally, and want to help him with whatever problem he is having. Many years ago this man stepped in and helped out a struggling family. Now that you are a man, its time to step up and help out the struggling family.

That is the saddest thing ever. I can't believe that he<br />
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just said that he just dropped out of you life. That is so<br />
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selfish. There just are no words. He won't even make <br />
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an effort. I can't help but believe that he will have to<br />
<br />
answer to a higher power some day. I really believe in<br />
<br />
carma. Not too be too nasty but what an ***. How <br />
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hurtful for you and your brother. I am sorry but your <br />
<br />
post made me so angry. I really do wish you so much<br />
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happiness , love , pleasure and good health in the future.<br />
<br />
You really deserve it. God Bless

Thank you so much for that comment. It's nice to know that people care... I hope you and your biological dad can work thing out as well. I guess men in general just handle their emotions in a different way than we do. We probably get more attached or something. I don't know... I have already thought of so many possible explanations for him leaving. But it's nice to know that I'm not alone. Thanks.

This was such a powerful, moving story. l have tears in my eyes as l read this. My heart it breaking for you and l wish there was something l could do for you right now. Keep the love alive in your heart and never give up hope that this love will be felt by this man. Never pass up the chance to show him what he means to you and live for yourself and your brother every day cherishing the relationships that you have, but never forget the great times you had with your father. I will pray he has a change of heart. l am going through something similar with my biological father so l understand and my heart goes out to you.