Not the Usual
I was and continue to be abandoned by my father. The stories I have read here are heart-wrenching. Some are very dramatic - the stuff of novels. I feel for everyone so much.
My story is one of amiguity. My father is still "in" my life. That is, I do talk to him and really have never had a significant break from our realtionship. Yet it is the nature of the relationship, the feelings resulting from it, that cause this feeling of abandonment. I hope there is someone out there - while I certainly do not wish emotional pain on anyone - who will understand my story.
My parents divorced when I was about 6. My father remarried when I was about 8. My stepmother didn't have, and has never had, children of her own. Therapists have told me that due to her career (nurse) and heritage (fully German) and her outward behavior, that she was/is a very controlling person. Almost needless to say, we didn't hit it off. It wasn't horrible (no abuse) but we just didn't get along, we didn't "click". I can remember my father always telling my brother and I that she takes of him (my father) and that we had to accept her. I never honestly knew where this all came from, because I had never openly rebelled against her. That is why I say we didn't get along - things my father said. It was confusing, and still is. I suspect that she was behind everything he said. She felt out of place, etc., and blamed it on my brother and me. I have few vivid memories from my childhood so this is a little hard to do. I do remember having long gorgeous hair - the kind that people were always commenting and comlimenting me on. I remember my stepmother took me one day - without my real mother's knowledge - and had it cut off, Dorothy Hammil style. My mother was pissed. She felt that my stepmother did it out of spite, jealousy. I'll never know for sure. I was told by my stepmother that she did it because my hair was gnalred and knotted underneath and hard to comb. Either way, my stepmother was wrong doing it without my mother's consent. And on and on. The trio - mother, father, stepmom, - never came together and made peace. On anything.
I remember my father always spending a lot more time with my brother and actually doing things with him. That probably created some jealousy, etc., on my part, although I don't remember that exact feeling. I think it was just explained to me ( by mom) that my mother preferred me, being a girl and all, and vice versa with my father and brother. OK. That made some sense.
Now to the point, although it not explained well above. I was and continue to be emotional abandoned by my father. Needless to say, I have a hell of time picking out greeting cards. The real plain ones: I feel guilty, like I should have more feeling. The deep, sentimental ones: a bunch of lies, and not applicable to our relationship. I truly believe that a father's relationship with his daughter is supposed ot be special. Mine never was and I am admitting that for the first time"aloud" today. I have been down the road of: he gave what he was capable, blah, blah, blah. Yet I see him giving more emotionally to my brother's daughter - my niece - and it hurts. I have even asked myself if somehow my father thinks that I am not biologically his child. Can't be as I look too much like him. But maybe in his mind - I don't know.
I could write a book length entry on this, but now is not the time. All I know today is that I am hurting emotionally, yet again, being disappointed, yet again, after an encounter with my father. There was a time - a few years ago, for a few months - when he called regularly and asked how I was, and I could actually sense the sincerity. But that stopped. And again, I don't know why. I suppose I could ask him, but I don't know if that is the best or safest thing (emotionally) that I can do. I do know that he has never - not once - spent time with my children. At many times we lived within mere minutes of one another. I would call and stuff. But he never tried. Only Christmas, birthdays. That was over the last 20+ years. He and I have lived in different states for the last four years, and have not seen each other in that time. I have tried so hard to keep regular contact - but I feel that it should be up to him, too. And since interactions with him often prove hurtful, I figure why bother. My mother says he is not capable of loving me the way I want and need - that he cannot love. But I beg to differ. I know he is there for my brother and his children. So it has been all my life and I grew up feeling this sense of rejection, loss, feeling different and apart. I know today this is large part due to my relationship - or lack thereof - with the man whose ***** fertilized my mother's egg and made me.
Let me just say that no matter what my children do, I would never leave them, physically or emotionally. I may not approve of their actions or decisions, etc., but never will I disapprove of THEM. Not so for my own parent. Let me also say that I feel I am a good person. I don't lie, steal, or cheat. I may have been a disappointment to my father when a teenager (rebelling, drugs, drinking, dropping out of school, etc.) but have since gotten my life together, thanks to Jesus Christ. I have a career, a master's degree, am a dedicated mother, and try like heck to still be a "good" daughter. So, I would like to ask my father -what is the deal? What is it about ME that you don't like, can't love, won't approve of? I just don't get it.