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Why Am I Even Telling This Story?

I think because I am semi-conscience, so tired right now I'll share this...Because normally NO ONE will hear me talk about my father.

Basically, he was/is an alcoholic, and who knows what else. I haven't seen him since I was 8, but I can still remember some "good" things about him. I was a "daddy's girl" It's scary, how much we are alike. I have got a lot of my 'bad" qualities from him.

My mother put up with him getting put in and out of jail/prison most of their marriage. Wrecked cars, wrecked home, verbal abuse, some physical abuse, almost dieing, being in/out of the hospital, ect...

They were totally wrong for one another. My mom was the "good christian girl", who fell for the bad boy. She tried and tried to stick to their marriage vows...He went through AA countless times, they separated and got back together too many times to count.

One day while they were separated....She got a phone call from another woman. Saying that she had been seeing my dad. I don't remember how old I was...but I know I was in the bath tub..and I was scared to get out, so I just sat there until the water was ice cold. I could here my mothers screams...It was like I had never heard before...Once she got off the phone with my father's mistress..She called my father right away..I can't remember if he was at the bar or work...(it was always one of those two) She told him she wanted a divorce.

She wasted NO time filing for a divorce, after finding this information out. I'm sure my father had cheated on my mother many times before this..but this time she actually had proof. After all they had been through, the love had died. She told me when I got older..that she felt the loss..that it was really over that time..it was like he had really died. She mourned and grieved.

She raised me as a single mother, which really she had done all along. She never got child support. Their divorce was finalized in 1992. He came around and visited me after that...but all of sudden, he thought it would be best if he stayed out of my life. He said "he didn't want me to turn out like him" lol How can that be? When I am made up of him????

Anyways, my mother likes to blame a lot of my problems on the fact that I was grew up fatherless, and was abandoned, and all that. I would NEVER admit that he was the cause of anything... I'm sure I was damaged by it...but I don't like to think about it..or deal with it, or mainly give that SOB the power.

I could care less what he's doing, where he's at, what he's done...

The last I heard he was with the toothless hussie, he cheated on my mother with. He caused us both so much pain...I know my mother has forgiven him, and if she ever saw him she would be cordial. Me on the other hand...  Don't let that bastard near me. I have absolutely NOTHING to say to him, and I wouldn't want to hear anything he has to say. I mean that, I just don't care.

He actually, could be living in the same small town as me. My mother thought she saw his picture in the County newspaper at the Jazz and Rib festival. If I ever ran into him...I would keep on walking..not even look his way.

My cousin went through the same thing with her dad. She found him on the internet a couple years ago, she went to see him. She forgave him for everything...after they reunited he died.. She was glad she got to reconnect with her father before he passed....

I admire her for that. But I have NO desire to do the same. I don't long for a father, I never did. My mother was enough. My cousin wanted her father in her life.  I don't want him in my life. Why would I? When I was 8 yrs old he was my everything. Now he is nothing more than a ***** donor to me. Cruel as it may sound, it's true. I sincerely, don't want anything to do with him.

It  may sound like I still carry a lot of anger and animosity towards him...But to be honest, I never speak or think about him. This is one of the first times I've mentioned him...........in a LONG time.

So, that's all I feel like sharing.

 

 

QueenOfHearts QueenOfHearts 22-25, F 6 Responses Sep 26, 2009

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Thank you for reading and commenting Shasha!!<br />
"LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT" I needed to hear that today ;)

I can appreciate the part when you say, "my Mother was enough". Thank you for sharing. Father's can be an inspiration and support in life, but if you don't have one in your journey through life, life can still be just grand. LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT!

Thank you ennuye! Love ya, girl!

It is hard, Ennuye. I've been avoiding coming back to this post...because I know I just let it out on a whim... <br />
Well.. I have had a past with alcohol and drugs... I do empathize with him a little. When things are really hectic in my life I sometimes run to the bottle...and I drink alone. After I saw the effects it had on my parents marriage, on my dads health, and are family... I told myself I would never turn out that way...but I still think I'm in control...because I don't have enough money to be spendin' like that.<br />
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I kind of wish, I had never met him ennuye... Maybe that would of been less painful... If I would've never met him I wouldn't of got close to him...there were times he was a good father...Three things I remember He taught me how to ride a bike, We played the card game "go fish"...and we would play basketball. I try to hold onto the good memories of him. I do feel bad for him in a way... But that doesn't mean I need or want him in my life.<br />
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Aww Ennuye you make me cry with your beautiful words..Thank you truly. You've touched my heart.<br />
I understand I need to forgive him for me... You're right I'm just not ready yet. <br />
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haha Actually I got my eyes from my mother!! LOL I'm tellin' you I got all my bad traits from him...The ugly side of me... <br />
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I thank you all so much for taking time to read this story...it was a huge step for me to talk about...To the point where I was scared to come back to this post and face it again. But you kind words and support, really tough my heart.<br />
And thank you SO much Gee, for stopping by and commneting. I hope I can open to you more about it. I know you will be there to talk. Thank you. ;)

kind of reminds me of my father..only with the alcaholisim..he has been out of our lives since 1995 thank god..well done for writing something thats been bothering you..exspressing feelings to others to me is like self councelling, i beleive the ex<x>pression..show me the child @ 7 i will show you the man..true..we are programmed as kids, take care and keep smiling

Thanks for sharing. I have been through similar. I allowed my father back into my life (and the lives of my children) about 8 years ago after a 16 year absence~it was a mistake. It took him all of two years to rip through like a tornado causing pain and anger. It's a personal decision for you and you don't have to allow anyone in your life that causes you pain. As for my father, well, he lives alone many, many hours away from any of his kids or grandkids because no one will have anything to do with him. He brought it on himself and I refuse to feel bad for him.<br />
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Best wishes to you!!