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Maybe This Time I'm Ready To Share

I never talk about him. I never mention him. None of my friends have ever heard me speak of him. There is no one in my life that I call Dad. That is easily the word I have used the least since I learned to speak.

The one time I have ever seen him, I was only 9 years old. I remember my mother coming to school to pick me up and saying "we're going home so you can change then you're going to go see your dad." I was so innocent. I got so excited. I pulled my favorite lacy pink dress out of the closet and put it on as quickly as possible. I just couldn't contain my excitement. Finally I was going to see him. Finally he wanted to be a part of my life. Oh God...it still hurts so much....

I remember walking into the courtroom. I remember the cold chair. And most of all, I remember turning at the exact moment he entered the room. "that's him" I muttered. I just knew.

Everything after that I wish I could forget. The judge asking why we were there. Him saying I wasn't his daughter. Calling my mother by every name he could think of. The most vivid memory though, has to be the nurses room.

I still didn't understand what was going on. I didn't know why he hadn't hugged me yet, why he didn't act the way all my other friends' fathers treated them. He was so cold to me. It took 2 nurses to hold me down so they could take the blood from my arm. I was crying hysterically. I was only 9 years old. I didn't know what a blood test for paternity was. I didn't even know this man who so coldly told the nurses to hurry up, he had other things to do. But I know, I'll never forget that moment. Never.

When the results came back stating that I was most definitely his daughter, I never saw or heard from him again. Go figure. I'm 21 years old now, and I've yet to meet my father.

Laria Laria 22-25, F 27 Responses Jan 5, 2010

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My Real father left when I was about three the only thing I can remember is the beatings with a belt, I know it does not sound feasible but honestly I was three at the most and recall the shame and the pain. My mother got married again around 5 years later and her husband adopted me, its strange when you little you do not really understand but later they had a daughter of their own. I was basically totally forgotten and in mental ways I guess abused. I am now totally disowned through no reason that I can really say, I was never in trouble and was what would be said today was a good boy. The pain of not being wanted never leaves you and you try and compensate by being over generous. This just makes things worse as you then get taken advantage of also. It stays with you all your life, I am 60 now and it still brings me to tears when I think about it all. I love my wife and daughter and have two grandsons who I love to bits. My real father never ever tried to contact me or see how I was and my mother and step father really gave me nothing not even love. What ever my mother said she was successful in turning her whole family against me and no one even talks to me now. I keep asking myself why? What did I do and I can honestly say I do not know. I am old now and understand that my step father did not want me, but at the end of the day my mother is as much my mother as she is my half sisters. My step father died a few years ago and I was not even told, but a friend went to the funeral and the priest read a speech that was obviously given to him by my mother, the speech said that he was survived by his wife and daughter and her grandchildren, that really hurts how can someone be so cruel especially to their own flesh and blood.

That's really..... I can't even fake it. That's really pathetic. You're 21 years old, ever consider that you're better off without him?

Estranged from my own father. Sobbed deeply when read your story...I am so sorry. Your pain and loss is real. We were mean to have so much more. Thoughts & prayers.

I can feel your pain. The closest I ever came to meeting my father was standing and looking at his grave stone. He never was a part of my life except to give me his last name. I try to be much more than that for my son.

I can feel your pain. The closest I ever came to meeting my father was standing and looking at his grave stone. He never was a part of my life except to give me his last name. I try to be much more than that for my son.

I want to tell you that you are so sweet, and I want to tell you that he will have to answer for what he has done to you It was his loss not yours and by the way maybe God protected you from him be keeping him from you there are so many reasons why this could have happened to you I , I get the feeling that you were blessed and God was protecting you from him and I also get the feeling that you already know why God was protecting you ,dont you? God wants you to know that he has already made it clear to you that he was not worthy of you and your mother he want you to remember and not forget this, I dont even know you but God says to me to tell you this and let your heart not dewell on this man he is nothing, he told me to tell you that you have already had good examples of good men in your life and you missed out on nothing .

I don't know where to start, I guess I'm hoping for some advice. My dad left when I was 9 and my brother 5, and we never heard from him again. He went on to have 2 more children and they all live happily a ten minute drive from my home. I do not want anything from him or a relationship but I want him to know how much he hurt me. I wrote a letter but am scared to send it........ what should I do? Any advice woul be great!!

I'm not the right person to give you advice because I don't think there is a right way to deal with someone who caused you so much pain. I can tell you what I would do. I would send the letter. If he never replies, then you at least have it off your chest. If tries to contact you, then maybe you can make amends. Or not. Ultimately, it is your choice. Stay strong, we're all in this together.

So sorry for you ): Really want to let you know that we all are here for you if you ever need someone to talk to

hey,<br />
i really feel what your going through.Except i knew my dad and i wish i never did...but then again im glad i do know him.i hope you work through your problems and finally meet him because someday it could be to late.My parents split when i was 9.I don't even remember what my dad looks like.Sometimes i sit and think what if he wasn't in my life?then i think i wouldnt be who i am today.Im only 14 but still.when i got a call that said my dad had passed away it was really hard because at that time i hadn't seen him in 3 years.he died when i was 13.Maybe if i hadnt known my father it wouldnt have been so tough but idk.maybe you can patch things up with your dad before its to late.It was for me.

Awww I don't have this experience personally.. but all I can say is this. It's ok to miss or be saddened by the lack of someone in that capacity in your life. (a father) ... but I wouldn't waste a tear on that man you saw in that courtroom hon..he's not worth one single tear. Also, you might want to stop and ask yourself what your life might have been like with that man in your life. You had the opportunity to observe his behavior that day... calling your mother names, denying responsibility ..all doing so in front of a child. Clearly someone with no regard for anyone but himself. He may not have been the ideal parent had he been in your life..so although you feel a void there.. you may have been better off without him.just something to think about.

My father abandoned me and my sister when I was 4 and she was just born but I never got to know him. A stranger showed up briefly when I was 10 and left soon again but I never could relate to him as my father. I vowed never to do that to any children I would father and I never did. My father missed out on so much he could have had. How much love your children and grand children bring to you is unreal. I wish I could be the father to every child who lost a father through abandonment or death.

Ouch. I'm so sorry hon. How painful. The rejection and hurt you must have felt at that moment I cannot imagine. This breaks my heart. ((((hugs))))

As said before God brought you to it and God will get you through it. He made you to be a beautiful person that he has chosen a special path for. Trust in the father almighty and he too will fill your life with joy. Sometimes we are delt a hand we do not have any control over. Let alone people who have deeper issues than we do our selves. One day your paths will cross and when the time comes address it then. Don't let it consume you now. It is hard not know who your parents are, or why they do not want to be part of your life. It is their loss and one day they will be made to see it. My prayers to you. God Bless!

A Father gives the seed to birth, and a child is born. When the father cares for and raises his child he is called a dad. To be called Dad is to earn the name.<br />
<br />
Growing up I had a father and a step father, with both I called dad only because that is what we are taught to call them. As I got older, about 21 I told each of them to their face I can not call you dad no more.<br />
<br />
When I became a Father I learned what not to do from the way I was raised by them. My children and their freinds all call me DAD and it makes me feel PROUD!

How horrible...that is truly heartbreaking. I know it's probably not very comforting but it sounds like you would have been better off without such a heartless person in your life as a child. As adults we don't need parents, not the way we did as children, so perhaps one day you can meet this man and find out who he is and his side of the story, but you will have the strength of the adult you are to protect you. <br />
<br />
I know my father, he lived with us until I was 12, apart from a brief separation a few years earlier. He became an alcoholic drug addict and was mostly not in the house, though when he was I was afraid of him. He was abusive, though thankfully not sexually, and emotionally distant. So, really, it felt like he was never truly there. He was behind a wall. I so much wanted him to love me and spend time with me and treat me the way other fathers treated their daughters, but I was scared of him. It was better when he wasn't there anymore and I didn't live in fear, although there was still a hole in my heart. He was my dad. I can't help but love my dad, even though the feeling is mingled with fear, shame, deep sadness and now, pity, because he was once a little boy who didn't get enough love. Neither of my parents did, and unfortunately they didn't learn how to love before having their own children. I'm determined to break that cycle. I'm in therapy, although I can barely afford it, and I'm working on all my issues. Turning 22 was a bit of a turning point. I didn't realise it at the time, stuff must have been going on subconsciously, but I seemed to turn a corner, and finally move into the realm of adult consciousness. <br />
<br />
I mainly wanted to say that although there are wounds, they are part of you and don't have to be a bad thing. I know how it feels to have a hole in your heart where your dad should have been, but that space is part of who you are, and doesn't take away from you or your potential.<br />
<br />
I wish you all the best in life *hugs*

I met my father for the first time when I was 23/24. <br />
He acknowledged me as his child... even signed my birth certificate. Then one day when I was about a year old & my mom was 4/5 months pregnant with HIS second child he went out for cigarettes... and never came back. How cliche was that?<br />
<br />
I have never had any desire to meet him. My sister; however, did. She looked for him and set up the meeting. I asked him where he went for those cigarettes... he couldn't even remember what he'd told my mother the day he left.<br />
<br />
Oh... my mom was 16/17 when she was pregnant with my sister and he was in his mid/late twenties. I dislike him for what he did to a little girl (my mom). I dislike him cause he couldn't even be bothered to contact us. I dislike him cause he couldn't give us a reason why he left... or should I say WOULDN'T.<br />
<br />
I dislike him cause he had the actual nerve to be offended when my daughter referred to him as the truckman and informed him that grampa lives with gramma.<br />
<br />
In my heart I truly believe that he wouldn't have bothered with us at all if his only other child had lived.

Life happens. When I was 1.5 years old my dad went out for night with friends. He was hit by a truck on the way home and was left mentally incompetent. He lost the ability to remember so even though we would visit, the visit was a repeat of the 1st minute 60x. Thatt was 54 years ago. My mom was the 1st single parent and she struggled with having her love taken from her - mentally but not physically which made it even harder. I experienced growing up as a boy/man with the "male" influence that was hard but basically early on you accept it and continue living

I'm very sorry that your only encounter with your father left you with such painful memories. What a cruel twist of fate it was to reveal something you had always wondered, and make you wish you hadn't found out. <br />
<br />
The result is a wound, of course, but it can also be a strength. You carry a burden, but you are not alone, nor are you "fated" to fail like your father did. You can become a caring, dedicated mother and raise a child, or children, in a much better environment. There is so much still ahead of you. For that matter, at 21, you can still have a good relationship with your mother and help her to heal from her own wound. If the two of you share, perhaps you can come to a better understanding of why your father did what he did, and how to move forward. Regardless, the rest of your life is in your hands and you can make a better world for yourself. <br />
<br />
In the meantime, while the wound is open and raw, take comfort in the community of caring people you have around you. Whether or not you speak directly to people about this part of your past, you can infer acceptance and support from their actions towards you. Kindness can be found almost anywhere -- if you know how to look. Share, and find that others share with you. Invite others to speak, and you will be invited to speak as well. Comfort and be comforted. <br />
<br />
I wish you every happiness and the strength to move beyond the pain.

I certainly feel your pain and hurt. I sometimes think that it is better to have no father, than one who causes physical and emotional pain. I myself had a wonderful father who was always there for me. Unfortunately my children didn't. He would abuse me and the children, he knew what he was doing because he would only hit us if there was no one around or if we weren't in front of a window, and he would only hit on the head, where he knew it wouldn't leave a mark. My girls managed to fare o.k despite this. My poor son however has no self esteem and doesn't like to be around people, because a "sensible"? court judge gave this "man" access. To this day, even though I am no longer with him, he still threatens us whenever he gets a chance and it is no use taking him to court because he can afford better lawyers than I can and all he gets is a slap on the wrist. I will not let him wear me down however, because I am too stubborn and spitey to give in. Why should I give him the satisfaction to see me beaten and downtodden. I am working very hard to make a good life for myself and my family and with preseverence I will do it. You were hurt by your father but don't let that interfere with your life. I know it is hard and it will be hard to deal with but life is good, you just have to think positive, and try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. When I was still living with my abusive husband I used to say to myself, "Life is tough but I'm tougher" and I know I will make it. Today is hard and I work hard, but this abusive man is no longer in my life.

Dear Hautshot, Yes u r right about the evil attitudes of people these days. The reasons I do know and understand, but like like yourself at 66 years , it took many years of seeking, knocking and asking to find out.<br />
My own daughter was ripped from me by my mother in law, who told me plainly that she would " take my daughter away from just as I had taken her daughter from her"<br />
That hurt has eased slowly after 25 years. Barely.<br />
I was accused of sexually violating my daughter by her mother. On consulting a lawyer friend, he said "it is standard for legal people to advise their female clients to make this claim." How inhumane..<br />
He is now a high court judge, <br />
And that accusation has haunted me all my life.<br />
No wonder my daughter has wanted to have noting to do with me and is poisoned to this day.

I have very sad feelings about my father and family. I wonder if you are sobbing as you read these stories of how other’s talk about their father. I wanted to cry when I read your story. A child so young and so hurt. <br />
<br />
As you get older no matter how much you talk about your pain, you will always have that little tiny piece of hurt in your heart that will linger on. But as life goes on you can be distracted from the pain so it does not consume your life.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, write about your pain, cry often, draw pictures of that moment in time and of sadness and anger, call the Crises Line in every county, see a therapist and do whatever else you need to express your pain and tears. <br />
<br />
I am 50 years old and I keep thinking to myself these days why are the majority of people the way they are? Selfish, cold, mean spirited, abusive, and lacking social skills. Sometimes I think I don’t fit into this cruel world. <br />
<br />
It’s okay for you to feel sad and hurt and to get the support you need. Be good to yourself.

Hi Syri,<br />
I understand how you feelcleary....You've put it down so well that, I got every bit of it and could imagine clearly the pain, especially, the shock that it hard when you expected alot only to get nothing but pain. I'm encouraged by all the above coments but still wish to encourage you with the words of Sahlinimehta, God the father af all is the only one who can give you the strength to continue. I have many experiences that I felt lonely and rejected, though not by me father but by very close friends times that I really needed them. It feels much more painful but try not to dwell there for long. Dust youself off and ask God to move you forward. He takes good care of those emotions and His promises will give you new strength. All the coments above are good words to take lessons from and I know many more are yet to come. Choose the most that will give you a challenge to move forward and trust in God.<br />
Try this and hope the peace of that the Lord overshadows you all the rest of your life.

Hi Syri,<br />
<br />
I can relate to you but better with Saques... because I am using my past as a spring board. I have problems but this is just to say its possible!!!!!<br />
<br />
I am 26, female and from a family in India. My dad was and is still living with us. But my parents are in a process of separation for the last 1 year formally (that is through a divorce) and separated long time back although staying in one house. I grew up with passive involvement of my dad in my life, if any. He was not abusive ever. But painfully cold. He is selfish and kept us in a condition of material and emotional deprivation. I was always scared of asking money to pay my school fees. It was a struggle everyday. My mother is a great woman, but respected Indian traditions of family for an unnecessarily long time. I think she allowed his gradual but continuous rejection of responsibilities. And we paid and are paying to an extent the price of his shunning of responsibilities and selfishness.<br />
<br />
I don't have any pleasant memories of him being around. But I do have many unpleasant ones. He made me feel miserable and continues to do so. He was never supportive to anything. He listened to all conversations with my friends (which he still continues) and misbehaved with friends who would call up at home. Back then none of us had any cell phones. <br />
<br />
So I grew up as a girl with lots of complexes and pain. I could never talk to anyone and feared that people can read my pain through my eyes and then they will take advantage of me. I felt very vulnerable and weak. So I grew a wall as a defense around me. I became extremely lonely, depressive. I was good at studies and finished my medical school. I disallowed entry of people in life all through until about a couple of years ago when I decided to find the strength and confidence to take on life with all its superb possibilities. I have done reasonably well since then. My recent friends who are not aware of the situation at home can no longer guess 'something's wrong'.... I have a great gang and I have fun. I am studying again and am independent emotionally as well as financially.. (at least reasonably)<br />
<br />
But...<br />
<br />
Its been a long journey and a tiresome too. But I understand that the same difficulties I faced early on in life has better prepared me to deal with things. I am not done yet with the self rebuilding. And I tend to be at a loss very frequently. I cannot get rid of the vacuum in my life.... yet.<br />
<br />
I have longed too much for a father in my life to let it go easily. I have used my negative emotions of anger and frustration to do better in life. But emotionally I am not healed yet. I have a problem trusting people and getting close. As I live with my family in the same house for lack of resources and support of getting another place to stay, I often come face to face with my father and relive the dejection and vacuum...<br />
<br />
I cannot forgive nor can I forget neither can I disown and desert him when he is growing old and weak. And this is my biggest problem.<br />
<br />
Overall, I have done well socially after I started what I call series of analysis and changes in my thoughts and behavior, but personally and emotionally I am still a bit of mess.... I talk to my psychiatric friends often to get a clue to emotional rationalization of the gloom that takes over me sometimes. I am looking for answers to emotional rebuilding. (I am a non religious person who has a thing against believing in miracles. I work hard towards what I want. I like staying grounded and philosophizing only with logic and practical applicative orientation...) Presently I am working towards understanding my emotional reactions to things, like choice of music, colors, guys, career and personal ambitions, etc. <br />
<br />
I am no natural survivor, neither am I extra ordinarily strong or talented. But I like to find my way out and get out the toughest way. That makes one strong and much better as an individual.<br />
<br />
Hope this helps. <br />
take care. :-)

Hey Syri...<br />
I am about to turn 65. My parents divorced when I was 5. The only advantage I have over you is hindsight.<br />
<br />
I realized when I was 16 that there were two directions I could go: I could suffer (as my brother and sister have) and allow the unfairness of the situation to haunt me for the rest of my life or I could accept the fact that if anyone was going to save me from a life of unproductive misery it was going to have to be me. My mother never recovered from the devastation of a divorce (in 1950) and was always too preoccupied with her own issues to help me with mine.<br />
<br />
I clearly remember the summer of 1961. I had graduated from high school (at 16) and we had no money for college and my grades were not super so I couldn't get a scholarship. I couldn't even go into the army because I was too young. I was a stock boy in a department store. My adult life was off to a lousy start. That's when I realized that these were the cards I was dealt and that my real job was to play them the best I could. Neither my brother or sister ever accepted that fact.<br />
<br />
I also realized that anger and resentment were great motivators for me. And that my abnormal life would only turn around when I used those two negative emotions into positive energy. I was mad enough to do something about it. My successes would be my revenge.<br />
<br />
Today, I have owned my own company for 25 years, have been married for 44 and have two successful children (both materially and as human beings). I never knew how to be a dad so I made it up from my fantasies of what a dad should be. In one generation I went from being practically an orphan to the ideal image of a father. No one is prouder of me than me!<br />
<br />
I've asked my friends over the years if they thought you were better off with no dad or an abusive dad. Everyone has told me you'd be better off with no dad. So, in a way, we have an advantage in not having a dad. At least there's no one to put us down and show dissatisfaction and disappointment about everything we do. <br />
<br />
If you can find the energy, use your past as a springboard to your future. It's tough, but it pays off over the long run.

Pain makes us stronger if we endure and till we heal! It can also kill us if we become bitter, angry and<br />
unforgiving! I have a sister who has not been with her dad for round about 13years now, These words she said"Just to know he is alive is enough, even if he wont give her a cent". Strength she says has been God , her real father, father of all . God loves you, and his love will even soften ur own fathers heart. Keep knocking and God will open the door which has been closed and when it opens<br />
FORGIVE and embrace!

As a father I wish that I could step in and say "I am sorry and will you please forgive me ..." There is so much joy that he could have experienced in knowing you....<br />
<br />
ron

Dear Syri,<br />
<br />
I just want to tell u one thing that I had a Dad with whom I stayed for many years, but he was still not mine. Even though he disowned me like ur dad but he did in his own way. And its worst to be disowned by ur dad and still have to stay with him. Till God came in my life and became my Father. God is the best Father one can have anytime. He is the only one who loves u unconditionally and will never leave u nor forsake u and also u r the apple of His eye.<br />
<br />
I suggest go to ur real Father, He will love u like anything.<br />
<br />
God loves you.