I Still Resent Him For Leaving

I just want to start of by saying that my father is not a bad person and he does love me even if he's not very good at showing it. He was not one of those fathers that left my mom, sister and me and didn't have anything to do with us again.  He payed child support and we went to visit him every summer, christmas and spring break.  I know he loves me but it still hurts after all these years to know our family was not good enough for him. 

My father left us when I was only three or four years old deciding that another woman and her children where better for him.  My mother even considered her a friend prior to the divorce, babysitting her kids and she babysitting us.  Therefore, I've known my step mother and step siblings my whole life.  I have a lot of resentment towards her because I feel like she stole my father away.  She knew he was a married man with a family.  To this day I feel like she is more important to him then his own children.  When my sister was living with them and got pregnant, my step-mother and her were not getting along.  My step-mother blamed my sister for the problems my father and step-mother were having in their marriage.  She gave my father an ultimatum of having to choose between her and my sister and of course he chose her.  Therefore, my sister was kicked out of his house when she needed him the most.  It's caused a strain in their relationship and they barely talk.

I was always so jealous of other girls that had fathers that they were close to.  I've never been very close to my dad even though we are so much a like.  Watching fathers dote on their daughters is something I've always pined for.  I've always wondered what it must be like to be "Daddy's Girl".  It's amazing how much my father thinks he knows me but really doesn't.  If he would just take the time to call or come visit (I am only 3 hours away) he would truly know what kind of person his daughter really is.  He missed out on so many important things growing up.  My first day of school, my first play, my first heart break, prom etc... 

I feel so abandoned by him even though he was never a "dead beat dad".  It has caused problems with every romantic relationship I've ever had.  I'm always searching for that male love I feel I didn't get enough of as a child.  I meet someone, fall in love and give, give, give trying to show them how much I love them hoping to get the same in return only to be disappointed and rejected.  I feel as if every man in my life has disappointed me in some way.  I am not needy or a "leech".  I am very comfortable with being alone.  I don't feel I need a man to survive, but I do feel that everyone deserves to be loved and I am no exception.

Now I am in love again, to a wonderful man.  He is very kind, genuine and loyal. He is a great listener and makes me feel like no other. We have only been together for a little over 3 months now, so everything is still fresh and new.  But now I am jaded more than ever.  I'm terrified that I will love him more than he will love me and I will be left feeling foolish.  I am passed all the fair tale nonsense I used to feel when I was younger.  I've grown up and I am more realistic now, but it's hard to shake all the hurt and rejection I have experienced all my life.  

loudamy loudamy
26-30, F
5 Responses Jan 25, 2010

Wow that is my story. I think sometimes I feel so alone that I forget how many other people are dealing with this too. I have also noticed that I have relationship trouble. I'm afraid to put my heart out there to be hurt again. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps to know that others understand how I feel.

I know exactly how you feel. My father left me and my mom for another woman. I've always wondered what it would be like to have a dad. I barely knew mine. I was three when he left. I want to be a daddy's girl. I want to celebrate fathers day, instead of hugging my mom and saying she's better at being two parents. I've always been so jealous of people with dads. I'm afraid of men because I never had anyone there for me as the man in my life. When my mom tried to divorce him. He claimed I wasn't his, that he didn't want me. He never got the chance to know me. Instead he ran away. We don't know where he's at. Its been ten years since he left me all alone. ( I'm 13 now) I can't help but to think that it's my fault, that I did something to make him hate me. All I want to do is punch him straight in the face if and when we find him. <br />
but a part of me wants to hug him and cry and ask for him to be my daddy.

I think many of us wished so much to be Daddy's girl but ended up playing second fiddle to others (new wife, step children, older sisters/younger sisters). It sometimes affects our outlook toward men and relationships. I know for me, after my Father left us for his other family, I sometimes thought it was my fault. I tried so hard to be a good daughter for him and every time it felt like he would just acknowledge my existence but not much else.<br />
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Many of us turn to our Mothers for at least some form of affection and knowledge as to why they do that to us. I only learned the truth when I moved in with him and his family that My Mother and Father had many points of disagreement about life in general. This included affection between them especially. His new wife was more open and physical than my Mom.<br />
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I know that he loved his first family but to us it seemed that his step sons were the center of his life. It wasn't until years later that I finally realized that it was their Mother that put them a head of us.<br />
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I also finally realized that no matter what, first it wasn't my place to dictate what his happiness should be and 2 all people have their lives that they control.

You are so right! I am very blessed to have the best mother in the whole entire world (subjectively speaking of course)! I do feel that I might have found what I've been looking for but its still to soon to actually tell. I haven't let my guard completely down yet but I am being patient. Only time can tell!

i understand your pain .daddy love is needed in everyones life but to have a mother who loves you is even bettter.thank God for atleast you had a mum .i hope you find someone who will love and care for you as you really deserve.