I Still Resent Him For Leaving
I just want to start of by saying that my father is not a bad person and he does love me even if he's not very good at showing it. He was not one of those fathers that left my mom, sister and me and didn't have anything to do with us again. He payed child support and we went to visit him every summer, christmas and spring break. I know he loves me but it still hurts after all these years to know our family was not good enough for him.
My father left us when I was only three or four years old deciding that another woman and her children where better for him. My mother even considered her a friend prior to the divorce, babysitting her kids and she babysitting us. Therefore, I've known my step mother and step siblings my whole life. I have a lot of resentment towards her because I feel like she stole my father away. She knew he was a married man with a family. To this day I feel like she is more important to him then his own children. When my sister was living with them and got pregnant, my step-mother and her were not getting along. My step-mother blamed my sister for the problems my father and step-mother were having in their marriage. She gave my father an ultimatum of having to choose between her and my sister and of course he chose her. Therefore, my sister was kicked out of his house when she needed him the most. It's caused a strain in their relationship and they barely talk.
I was always so jealous of other girls that had fathers that they were close to. I've never been very close to my dad even though we are so much a like. Watching fathers dote on their daughters is something I've always pined for. I've always wondered what it must be like to be "Daddy's Girl". It's amazing how much my father thinks he knows me but really doesn't. If he would just take the time to call or come visit (I am only 3 hours away) he would truly know what kind of person his daughter really is. He missed out on so many important things growing up. My first day of school, my first play, my first heart break, prom etc...
I feel so abandoned by him even though he was never a "dead beat dad". It has caused problems with every romantic relationship I've ever had. I'm always searching for that male love I feel I didn't get enough of as a child. I meet someone, fall in love and give, give, give trying to show them how much I love them hoping to get the same in return only to be disappointed and rejected. I feel as if every man in my life has disappointed me in some way. I am not needy or a "leech". I am very comfortable with being alone. I don't feel I need a man to survive, but I do feel that everyone deserves to be loved and I am no exception.
Now I am in love again, to a wonderful man. He is very kind, genuine and loyal. He is a great listener and makes me feel like no other. We have only been together for a little over 3 months now, so everything is still fresh and new. But now I am jaded more than ever. I'm terrified that I will love him more than he will love me and I will be left feeling foolish. I am passed all the fair tale nonsense I used to feel when I was younger. I've grown up and I am more realistic now, but it's hard to shake all the hurt and rejection I have experienced all my life.