Ghosts From The Past

My mother left me and my siblings when I was 6, I am now 31 and the ghost are back. After my parents divorced, my brother and I moved with our mom while my sister stayed with my dad. Six months later my mom took us to our dads for a weekend visit and she left us there. What followed was 12 years of sporadic letters followed by 2-3 years of nothing followed by 3 months of letters and then nothing. This cycle continued till I was 19 when I wrote my mother and told her what she had done to me emotionally.Her letter back to me began the emotional detachment from her that balanced what we could call a relationship - a very unemoitonal acquaintance.

Skip ahead till today and I am married to a wonderful man who is my entire world. I know in my heart he will always be there for me but these old ghosts are popping up. Where I always thought I was over my mother abandoning me, after seeing a therapist for some issues I have learned that I hold back something in all my relationships to prevent me from being hurt. Surprise....I always thought I was a strong person who didn't let the fact that my mother left me effect me. I don't want to be the person to use her abandonment as an excuse, but there are so many things about who I am as a person that can be attributed to her leaving and it is scaring me. All these strong independent qualities I always believed I had are more of my emotional defense to not form relationships where I can be hurt.I have very few true friends, but they would be there for me no matter what. Although my dad raised me and was the best dad he could have been considering the circumstances, we are father and daughter, but not really close.

But my husband...he is it for me, my best friend, my rock, the one I cannot imagine my life without...but all this baggage from my mom abandoning me is effecting our relationship and so I need a way to change me. I hold back from him and is is hurting us. I am trying to work through this but all these feelings about my mom that I thought I had dealt with have resurfaced and I have to work past them. 25 years of not really letting myself feel the pain and realizing how much I have pushed down and not recognized is surfacing and I hope I get through and past it.

Maybe it is something we all have who have been abandoned..."If my own mother did this, anyone can." But isn't it true???? How do I move past this?
iamhappy iamhappy
31-35, F
6 Responses Jun 12, 2011

You are so luck that you have a good husband she has to answer to god one day my month abandon me at 3 months did not see her until the age of 16 going to the store she knew me but i did not know her i got married i found out where she lived and invited her to my wedding she came but when shen went back to maryland she sent me a letter asking me to sent the 250 dollars back that was a wedding gift did i sent it back no i did not she owes me alot more then that i love her but she just dont or never wanted me in her life yes i pray that i will get a letter or phone call asking some kind of forgiveness after all i did not ask to be born so i am clear in fronth of god she change her phone number and said i was dead to her.So i cannot do anything just go on with my life with my husband and children.So my advice to you is you do the same.As far as forgeting this it is not gonna happan i think of it every day it is glued to my brain.So leave her in the lords hands let the lord fight your battles.

You don't tell the five signs; only heighten peoples' fears to get them to buy what you sell... That's a cancer too... It's called manipulative, selfish greed!!!

I had the same experience. Left at the age of 11 to watch 2 younger brothers and virtually became the mother. I have 3 brothers an had sister who passed at age 18. She overdosed. She was 14 when my left leaving me the only child T 11 TO TEND TO THREE BROTHERS. HELP. I am sure this has effected me in ways I will never know. I have raised my children since my son was 8 mos old and my daughter age 5 (with special needs). I would never think of leaving my children and realized after I had children and the love i felt that this is absolutely not normal. I speak to my mother daily who denies ever leaving. Really is she kidding herself? Maybe her clothes that she no longer wanted hung in the closet but she did not live there. She left 5 children and a great guy for another whom she is still married to since 1968. I terrible miserable abusive marriage that she plagues us with daily. My father told her she will pay for the rest of her life for what she did so every time she complains "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS" NO COMMENT....i feel at this stage for myself I have never committed to anyone outside of my children. I have abandonment issues for sure. I feel no one has ever really been there for me. Self esteem issue's as well I am sure. If your own mother does not think enough of you to stick around what are you worth. A bad damaging message to a young child. I am not sure I would let someone that close to me out of fear.:-(

i also tend to hold back on relationships for the same reason and had a similar experience, thanks for sharing

I feel the same way. my mother left when i was 10, and she never looked back. i pretended for about 20+ years that i was fine about it, but i'm not. i've battled addictions to cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, shopping, eating... you name it. the pain has never gone away. in fact, as time goes on, it gets worse. the hardest part has been admitting that i miss her in the first place, because my dad never wanted to talk about her ever again. so i've spent a lot of wasted time ignoring a world of pain. i still want her back in my life, but she doesn't want me. i have my own kids now, and i wouldn't leave them for the world. when i look at them, and feel so strongly the love i have for them, i feel so sad that my mother didn't feel that for me. i don't have any advice i'm sorry, all i can say is, you're not alone. i battle this same pain every day.

I feel the same way. Similar experience, thanks for sharing your story