I Was Abandoned By My Mother

My first memory is of my mother shooting my dad for cheating on her. I was 4. She missed and nothing happened. I never saw him again. She remarried when I was 6. When I was 9 she didnt pick me and my friend up from school, it was winter and raining. We walked over 3 miles to my house. Nobody was there. My stepdad came home and asked me where she was, I didn't know. We went inside, he found a letter and she was gone. He up and left me and my older sis about a week or so later. I was 9 my sister 14. I had a job at a local car dealership cleaning cars that my mom had gotten for me(this was the 80's) and my sister also had a job at a local store as a window model. We lived on our own for over 4 years before someone found out. I went to foster care and shipped off to different relatives. When I was 16 my sister found our mom, remarried in florida, i ran away and went to her. Only to be abused by her, not sexually but mentally and physically. She told me it was my fault my dad cheated on me, he wanted a boy. My mom used me for money. Up until 2 years ago ( i am 35 years old now) i still paid all of my mom's bills. I have never felt loved and about 10 years ago I had a stillborn and have nver been able to get out of this depression. I have no friends and family and my husband says to just get over it-he comes from a really nice family. I just want some sort of answers as why I had to have this life and not be able to have a baby and enjoy life. I pray and meditate but no answers ever come. All i do is work and I don't have the guts to commit suicide because of my fear of hell.
jessicafromnc jessicafromnc
31-35
2 Responses May 4, 2012

I was abandoned by my motore when i was 5 after her bf physically abused me, i still have the scars on my skin, and sometimes i think to the same thing but we have the right to live our life and show these abusers that they did not destroyed us. I am sure you will have a baby soon just live your life in the fullest. I am 39 and don't even have a bf so you are lucky to have an husband that loves you, the best is yet to came, just be positive!

You have been given the gift of life.<br />
Please find a passion that uses your talents and grow into that passion.<br />
Look for purpose.<br />
I have found fullfillment in helping other people find their birth parents.<br />
That results in me feeling good about the win/win reward.<br />
Much of what I do will not make me rich, but makes me feel good because I can give a service to people in need.<br />
Good luck. Think, feel, search and reach out to others in need. <br />
I give and bit by bit I am rewarded in many ways.