She Left...

My mom was the best growing up. Like literally the best. Even though she had me at a young age, her and my dad made it work. We had one of those cheesy loving families that rarely fights. Then things started slowly changing. I noticed it when I was about 17. She was around less and less, which was weird because i still had a younger brother and sister. I thought she just wanted to have some fun and at first I was all for it, I felt like she deserved to go out and do new things, etc.

Things got more extreme. She would sleep out, come home really late, had one to many prescriptions laying around, and always sleeping on the couch. Her whole demeanor changed. She went from a sweet soft spoken lady to a seemingly bi-polar nut job. She was always complaining, saying mean things about all of us, putting everybody down, not doing anything around the house, just weird stuff, Turns out she was having an affair with a guy half her age. He told her he didn't want her spending time with us (her children and husband) and she agreed. She said she left him, went for counseling, then continued to call her side piece.

It became unbearable. Coming home was ilke walking into hell every night. I would dread coming home after school and work all day (This was around 19-20 yrs old). I couldn't stand who she became. She was a terrible mother and honestly, a terrible person. Its one of those things I literally cannot put into words the torture she put me and my family through. She would hit my father (he never hit her back) and then call the police on me and my dad. She played the "victim" act to anyone that would listen. Depending on who she was talking to, her abuser changed. Sometimes it was my dad, sometimes me, sometimes her parents. None of it was true...

Then my father gets seriously injured and she hits him with an order of protection saying he hits his kids (um no he doesn't) and all this other nonsense, with nowhere to go and changes the locks on me and my brother. When the judge realizes the order of protection was complete bullshit, he allows my father in the house, then she moves out. I have never seen her since. She dragged my father through a torturous divorce in which he lost all of his savings. I saw his soul and his heart break.

She doesn't have my cell number anymore but she still has my brothers. She has never called or texted us. She sends a card at the holidays like "Merry Christmas Love, Mom" I hate her more than words can say. I know it sounds horrible to say and if I wasn't in this situation I'd probably say something like aww well thats your mom maybe you should reach out to her etc etc... But i can't. She has literally destroyed our lives for so long, if I didn't have the type of father I do, I would be absolutely lost. I honestly believe she went through some sort of mid-life crisis, had an affair, and couldn't come to terms with the fact that the "perfect mother" did such a thing. So to make excuses to others she made up lies and played victim, and in all the lies, she made herself feel better. She wasn't at fault because (insert lie, i was abused as a child, my husband abuses me, my kids abuse me etc.) Meanwhile she was one of the most manipulative, emotionally and mentally (and sometimes physically) abusive people I have ever seen.

I try not to think about her and I really don't cry about it, but i haven't seen her in two years. I have come to terms with everything she put us through and the fact that shed rather be a bar ***** (who also goes to museums and now a photographer - classy stuff!) than be a mother. I am so sorry for rambling and none is probably going to read this but my main point is... I want a mom. Not necessarily her, but just a mom. I am almost 23 years old but when it comes to this subject, I feel like I am 10 years old. I have no female relatives that could take that spot (Haven't spoken to them since mom left and dad doesn't have much family). I think about how if I ever get married I don't have a mother to help me pick out a dress, or help me with my children, or really anything. My dad is amazing, but sometimes a girl needs her mom. I feel so alone because my brother and my dad are extremely close, and even though they love me very much, it is impossible for me to be that close with my dad. I can't talk to him about sex, or details about guys, or PMSing, having children or anything that a young woman goes through. I just want to know how I can feel better about this. Does it get any better? How have you dealt with it later in life? Oh and I've decided that she's permentatly out of my life. I do not believe you do not get to pick and chose when you want to be a parent. So if she did ever want to come back into my life, Id decline. Those are my beliefs and thats fine if yours are different, but please respect mine.
lala0789 lala0789
2 Responses Dec 10, 2012

Some parts of this sound like I wrote them myself. My mother was a single mother and left under different circumstances. She was involved in drugs ... drinking ... men ... likely some mental illness in the mix. I ended up with my grandmother, who had done a lot of the heavy lifting in raising me, anyway. I was 15 when she left, and I had a younger brother who was 12.

The part leading up to her leaving sounds similar. My mother had not always been perhaps the most responsible or attentive parent, but she was there. When I was about 14, she started staying out late to drink after work, and after a while, she stopped coming home. She slept all the time. And she had the drug issues, as well. Finally, stopped coming home altogether and moved in with a guy from work, leaving us to be raised by our grandparents. She spent the better part of the next decade going from one man to another. She never seemed to stop too much to acknowledge what she did to her children. Men (and drinking and drugs) always seemed more important.

What's rare about your story is it seems that most people who have a mother leave experience it at a young age. Most moms don't bother staying around to the teen years before they leave. That makes it so hard to dissolve the relationship, even when they are only hurting you. It makes for a lot of mixed up feelings, at least in my case. I remember good times with my mom. But I also know the person she's turned into since then.

I can tell you, at least in my experience, some things get easier ... some don't. You never stop wanting your parent to be your parent. Sometimes, though, you have to come to terms with the fact that the person you were assigned is never going to be the parent you need. Treasure your dad. I didn't have that, but I was fortunate to have my grandmother. I got married last year and broke down in tears hours before my wedding because I didn't have a mother to be there. I didn't have the moment in the mirror where my mother doted on me to tell me I was the most beautiful bride who ever walked the earth. I assume it will be somewhat similar when I have kids. I also wonder if I'll know how to be a mom, if I'll screw it up like she did.

That being said, you have to be strong for yourself and the life you can have. Counseling can help; it has helped me. I don't think you ever get over it ... but you can learn how to be a better person because of it. It's all about choices.

Thank you for sharing your story. It meant a lot to hear that someone had experienced something, at least a little bit, like what I went through.

Wow, I never thought I'd read something I related to so much. My mom had an affair with not a guy half her age, but almost 20 years older then her. She put my dad through an endless divorce, playing the victim and almost got everything from him.

We had to sell our house because she wanted half it's value with no delay. The list goes on.

I just wanted to say I read you're whole story and a big hug :) Because in these situations I don't think there is much else for us to do because we are NOT the problem.