I Always Loved Her And Always Wanted Her There.

I'm a 26 year old single mother that is finally trying to close the part of my heart that still hurts for my mother. My parents split when my mother was pregnant with me. My father has sad but good memories of them being together. All i remember is begging her to stay, to love me and to be my mom. My earliest meomory of her is her leaving me at her friend's house( her drug dealer) while she went on vacation with her boyfriend. Well it turned out that her friend was hurting and assaulting his wife that night and his wife fearing for my life called my father and the cops to rescue me. Well I went to my fathers and lived with him for a while. Then she got visitations of me. I had an extreme allergy to chocolate and strawberries growing up and every visitation she would give me strawberry milk and a twix. On my home with my dad and stepmom they would always had to give me meds so I could breathe and so I wasn't covered in hives. Then a few years later she was granted home visitations. Most of the time she never showed up or she took me to a bar. When I was 12 i choose to live with her because i loved her so much. Well after 6 months she decided she didn't want me anymore so she would wake me up late at night with only the clothes on my back and drop me off in front of my fathers house screaming how i never loved her and she wished she would had an abortion. I would stand crying and screaming in the street mommy don't go i love u and she would just speed off. this happened about 4 or 5 times until i was 15. i always went back because i wanted her to love me so bad. she beat me up if her and her boyfriends fought. She would tell me how she never needed me or loved me. This was all before my 16 birthday.There is so much more she has done to me that I'm embarrassed to say. She evens tried to have my son taken away because she says she would be a better mother. i love my son with all my heart. i would give him everything i have even my last breathe. after so many years of physical/ mental/ and emotional abuse i finally confronted her about a few things and she tells me her biggest mistake with me is she didn't use a condom. The worst part is that was the nothing compared to the things she has said to me. I can't even sleep anymore. is there anyone out there that can help me deal with this. I can't speak to my material family because i look like her and they want nothing to do with me or my child. i can't speak to my father because when he says good memories about her i get so angry and jealous that i will never know her or a loving side of her when she's sober. Has anyone dealt with this before?