My Fault

My mom grew up troubled. Her dad was a drunk and he used to beat her, and her mom, didn't pay any attention to her. She got into drugs, and drinking early, ran away several times, and eventually found herself in NY falling for a guy 9 years her senior. They had me, and after being beaten and pushed around by this guy long enough she ran away to her parents again. Her mother loved me, and raised me when my mother went back to NYC to "find herself" for 5 years. When she came back she had 2 more kids and in 2000 she went to work and just didn't come back. She left me 9yrs, my sister 5yrs, and the baby 7 months alone. Eventually I figured she wasn't coming back and I called my stepdad--the only good man I've ever known so far and we've been in his care so far. That's how it went, she was in and out of jail, in and out of rehab, for the past 9 years.  She's seems okay now.. I mean she finished rehab, has a job, found a religion. She's getting older and I finally think that she realizes it's time to get it together. As for me though... there are things about me that are totally screwed up because of her. Including abandonment issues... I sabotage every relationship I have. I can't stand letting people get close to me... I'm terrifed they'll leave. So I figure, if I push them away first...I won't get hurt.

ArabellaBlythe ArabellaBlythe
26-30, F
6 Responses Feb 18, 2009

You're very welcome. If I can help just one person, then sharing was well worth it.

It's always heartbreaking to see the damage caused by people who care more about themselves than their children then more about the drugs than themselves. It's wonderful to have a place where we can share our stories though to encourage each other. Thanks for being brave enough to share honestly. It's a great help to me.

I'm sorry about this. My mom had me at fifteen, she raised me and still takes care of me twenty years later. My father, however, did not stick around forever.<br />
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I was daddy's little girl until I was 13. He worked from the minute he found out my mom was pregnant to support me and give me everything I needed... and wanted (he spoiled me rotten).<br />
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When my grandfather died, I was nine. It hit my dad verry verry hard. He started spending all his time in his bedroom. Sometime in the next two years he started doing cocaine. I kept coming to his house every weekend, like I always had, and every school break.<br />
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He'd be in his room just about the whole time, but he still worked. Until I was twelve. Then his company shut down, he was laid off. Things went downhill from there. He and his girlfriend eventually broke up and he started doing crack, seeing a 16 year old girl, and lost his home. <br />
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Ever since then he's been addicted to crack, still seeing that girl. They had three babies that they no longer have custody of. I have absolutely no relationship with him at all, I simply can't trust him. He has let me down so badly and left me with so many issues. I don't trust people easily and I have dependent personality disorder.

You cannot possibly know how comforting that is.

I haven't? You sure?<br />
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I don't want you to think of me differently.

I'm sorry for telling you to look at my experiences.<br />
I didn't want you to read this.<br />
I shouldn't have put this up at all.