My Mother Walked Away And Never Looked Back

So, I am now closer to 50 than 40, but am still a motherless child.  My mother walked out on her family, when I was an infant, and has never looked back, or initiated contact with myself or any of my siblings.  I was the youngest of eight children living in a rural midwestern farming community.  My father worked hard to support his family.  On the outside, people said we appeared to be the normal, large family, struggling to make ends meet, but there were no outward signs of problems.  There were no disturbing fights going on, no major abuses to report.  My mother apparently just went off the deep end for some reason, and walked away from her life.   Instead of going to work, as was the thought, she got in the car, pulled out the drive, and never came back.   My father sat in the living room for months and stared blankly into the day, not knowing what to do, where to turn.  He elicited the help of the community for help with caring for all of us children. and even tried to maintain our home on his own.  But it was just too much for him to bear.  Eventually, we were all separated and placed in foster homes around the state.  I was in seven different homes before the age of four.  I really only recall two of them though.  My siblings were also taken away from my father,  placed in individual homes, losing touch with the semblance of family we had once felt.  At the age of four I was moved to a new home, although the foster parents were not new to the situation.  They had bee struggling to keep all of children together since my mother had left us.  They had hired attorneys on our behalf, and had gone through the licensure process for foster parenting despite their retirement age.  They know me well, eventhough I had no recollection of them at all.  I spent a little over ten years with them and two of my siblings, the one bright and shining moment of my childhood.  They loved us all so much, even though they could not care for all eight of us.  They always welcomed everyone as family, and gave so unselfishly of themselves to give us a place to call home.  

Througout my childhood, I always knew my situation was different than other kids.  I could never articulate what or how it was different.  I did not even know I had siblings until I was four, and didn't meet my brothers initially.  I spent weekends occasionally at my father's house, but it always felt awkward, almost like he was still unequipped emotionally to handle me being there.  It felt like that often growing up when I would see my father, like seeing me was the reminder of the life that was taken away from him, a reminder of all the hurt he had gone through.  My father never seemed able to get past all the hurt and resentment of losing all his children to the system.  He lived in suspicion and anger and resentment with life until the day he died.  I know he loved us all, and he eventually came to the point of being able to express that to us all.  He never entertained conversation about our mother, never said words good or bad about her, just said the subject was closed, and it was better that way.  I have always had this hole, it's a part of me that cannot be filled, no matter what the well-intended may say.  There's just a hole when you lose your mom, age and time can not fill the void.  It hurts today just the same as it always has...I just don't always have the tears to shed for it now.  I am still searching for the meaning of all this for my life, and I truly believe there is one.  There is no good reason or answer for why my mother abandoned us, but perhaps there is an answer for it's meaning in my life and where it will take me, what it may lead to, doors that may open.....I have learned, from this vantage point of always looking in on families but never being in with the in family, no one takes the place of a mom, even if that person has no recollection of what mom is.  At conception, there is a connection of blood and bone...a bond that only the heart can express....if the heart can find it's way.

Blackey Blackey
46-50, F
3 Responses Feb 12, 2010

nice story. i have a similiar one (woah got de ja vu like i wrote this before).

Life is life mate, one's not better than the other. I hate my mother, she's done nothing but try to force me to be a certain type of person. never ever supported anything I wanted to do and totally ridiculed me for any idea I had. All she wanted from me was to get married at 21, pop out two point five beautiful children and ring her every night to ask how I should cook my husbands dinner. Needless she's disapointed in me because I've not done any of these things. My parents stuck together but they did nothing but fight continuously and many a time I wished to be taken away to a foster home. Parentage is nothing, it's you and your friends that matter now. Don't let the past drag you down

My sister left her son. She moved to California from Texas. I don't understand why she did this. It's like she has no love for him. I'm her younger sister, and now he blames me, his aunt, for his life, and not his mother. I don't understand.