How Does Abandonement Happen? What Goes Wrong?

My mother abandoned my brother, father and I when I was only a few months old.  She relinquished all parental rights and forbade her family from having any contact with us.  She ran away with a friend of my Dad's, so needless to say the pain my Dad must have felt was very complex.  He has said we is fine to talk about her but, that's not the case really.  He remarried when I was 4 and my brother was 7.  He married a woman 10 years older than him with 4 kids of her own.  Apparently my Dad has bad taste in women, because she is just a horrible, selfish, immature woman who physically and mentally abused my brother and I.  She wasn't fantastic to her own kids but definitely worse with us.  My Dad has lived in denial about any family dysfunction.  My step mother used to compare me to my birth mother, telling me I was a sneaky, fat,ugly, lazy ***** just like my real mom.  My dad refused to believe that my step mom said any of these things to me, and of course she denied it in front of him. On my 18th birthday they gave me 24 hours to move out of their house.  I did, and never moved back.  When I was in my twenties, I decided to contact my birth mother, I knew her name and knew she was still in Canada.  I found her easily online with just a whitepages search.  She still lives with the man she left my dad for.  I told my father I found her and was going to send her a letter to give him a heads up.  He freaked out.  My step-mom freaked out and threatened to leave my father because she couldn't understand why he was still so hurt by all these things that had happened twenty some years ago.  She told me if I contacted her it would break my fathers heart.  She told me my birth mother wanted to abort me, but spousal consent laws prevented her from doing so. I'm pretty sure this was a lie.  But how effed up is that?  So I never contacted her, because I just didn't want to hurt my Dad even though his denial of my feelings has always hurt me.  And I always felt like he chose his wife and her kids over my brother and I.

Now I am in my thirties, am married, and just had a baby of my own and am dealing with post partem depression.  I know my abandonment issues are just making it worse.  I am so afraid that I will stop loving my son.  What happens in life that can lead a parent to just not care anymore?

saturnvet saturnvet
31-35, F
1 Response Feb 13, 2010

I have a story similar to yours only bio mom found me at 35. 5 years later and I still have no closure or answers. Would love to talk to you