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why Doesn't She Love Me?

Growing up in a white suburban life. Living a silent secret.because I felt embarrass but showing my face to my sibling and the oldest one thinking they would have known why? Rebelled against my mother and father thinking this would help "thrown them all to the dogs" i used to tell my youth counsel that anyway. Marring to get out of the house and only to have married some one like my secret and having a baby; I couldn't and rejected the baby and finally asking for help take care of the baby be its' guardians that's what I asked my 2 sisters but no help again. Gave up the parental rights cause of my anger and the rejection I so put in my mind that I had to do something that was best for the child's safety. Left home came to visit but not often and for most of my siblings would say to me "you ran from your mothers love" how could this be when I Asked her for help also feeling guilt of always asking "why doesn't she tell me she loves me?" until the death of my mother came all of a sudden duded to diabetes complications she was 65 years old. Then years latter past one of my sisters called me just to hatefully tell me "they all knew for 30 years old molested secret . Mental breakdown crept up  survived push my self to health and received another relative call of and an inheritance. I was sick-my mother knew then of my secret didn't help me then when I was 9 years old and didn't help me when I asked all my family for help so I could keep my child. I realized why she never told me she love me and why my sister and brother said I ran from her love. Cause hoping the dirty money would save their ugly hearts and now I'm glad I did not accept it -cause it was only hush up money.

icuao2 icuao2 41-45, F 3 Responses Jan 5, 2010

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I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope that you have gotten better to let it out and just scream release all that pain that's what I am doing now. My entire family no longer speaks to me because of a similar situation. I am glad you shared that it is hard to say. You deserve what makes you happy. Keep your head up you can make it through this. Thank you for making me not feel alone when it comes to this Secret.

Not totally when my mother died-that I hurt- I had already had forgiven my self and to forgiven my family for later(no/ I just walked away and vowed that they would never be in any way or form in my own family 's life) to have told me a few years later after my mother died; knowing for 30 years of my secret it was like that made the puzzle fit together that's why my mother knew also; and that's what hurt me. That just help me understand that why MY mother didn't ever say to me "I love you.and that's my conclusion and my past and I've learned from all of my family secrets and forgave my self to this day and have always said to my own family now "I Love you.

So when do you forgive yourself and everyone else around (family). Your biggest hurt was your mother and now she is gone, who is next. At your age, and time span, let it go and start fresh to understand yourself. Let the old hurt die, or forgive anyone that try to use it against you over and over again. Your not getting younger.