Confused

As a young toddler me and my brothers and sister were physically abused daily by numerous people. I can remember just about everyone of them like it was yesterday but have problems remembering things that my wife told this morning. I always feel like my wife and kids would be better if I was dead but know that isn't right. When I was five my two brothers and I I were tied to a pole and tree in front of my sisters window while our stepfather sexually abused her every day for well over two years. Also I remember when I was about three asking my stepfather if I could have a cookie he told me no but I got up on the counter and got one any ways and then I remember waking up on the floor with blood all over my face and a hole in my head. He had hit me with a hammer but I guess that I deserved because I didn't listen to him although I would never hit my children with anything besides my hand on there buttocks for a spanking. Another disturbing thing is when I was four and went to bed a half hour early I got beaten with a belt buckle so bad that it broke my right leg in three places leaving me in a cast for almost eight months. I guess what I need to know is what can I do to get over that because I have so many mental issues that I feel it is ruining my marriage. I don't trust her nor do I believe I deserve her and also have issues with being mad at her for no reason and don't remember why I was even mad to begin with. If anyone could help I would really appreciate it.
Hawkfan80 Hawkfan80
36-40, M
Sep 8, 2012