Learning How To Heal

This an essay I wrote about how i am coping with my sexual abuse that happened when I was 12, I am now 24. Hope you enjoy it!

 


 


**** happens?

 

Sometimes I wonder why, when things in life appear to be perfect, when you are so happy that even your bad days are great, when you have the balls to say out loud “my life is great and I wouldn’t change a single thing about it,” that is when life decides to prove you wrong. Life decides she needs to take a **** and she will use you and everything that encompasses your life as her restroom. Life, like the ***** she can be, has decided that she’s in no rush; she grabs her favorite book and gets comfortable so she can enjoy the giant long **** she is about to drop on you. In a split second, the same life you loved so much has left you standing there, completely covered in ****. Emulating the behaviors of a sociopath, life feels no remorse or sympathy. Life imposes on you the burden of having to accept the consequences of something you didn’t cause. She disregards whether or not you deserve it. You begin to realize what life has made translucently apparent: you have no control; you will just have deal with the problem. How you deal with this problem will determine whether your life will continue to be a public restroom not only for life, but also for anybody that needs to use it for the expulsion of their waste.

So what we do? We simply tuck our tail between our legs and keep walking. We put our hands in our pockets and shake our heads in disbelief the whole way. Finally, we decide to say something and utter the only words that seem to make sense: “**** happens.” We accept it as something with which we merely have to live and keep moving forward, despite the fact that we are now walking around covered in ****.

 

Everybody gets **** on. Some people get **** on harder than others, but everybody thinks their **** smells the worst. Time takes care of the smaller ***** in life. They hurt when they happen, but there will be a point in life when you look back on it and laugh. You laugh because, at the time, it seemed like the biggest deal to you. Maybe it still bothers you to think about it, but now you realize it was probably for the best. Then, there are the big ***** of life. This type of **** that, no matter how much time has passed, still hurts. The type of **** you will never look back on and laugh at. The type of **** no one deserves to have happen. This is the kind of **** that, when not dealt with properly, can create even more ****. Life’s big ***** can come in the form of an event or a person. When it comes as an event, people lose their lives to accidents, natural disasters, illnesses, etc. An unexpected tragic loss takes the life from its victims and, along with it, takes the lives of their loved ones. When this problem comes in human form, it preys upon others who, for no good reason and without logical explanation, decide to inflict pain on you. It is done against your will. The only thing with which they leave you with is distrust in your own kind, a feeling of violation.

Sometimes, the person doesn’t mean to intentionally hurt you. That fact becomes irrelevant when the damage has already been done. Any of these circumstances cause feelings so hurtful you feel the pain emotionally and psychologically, then the pain permeates into your soul, and your soul has become home to a parasite. Like any parasite, this type of unbearable pain wants to go unnoticed. When you do notice it, it has the ability to make you believe that getting rid of it is simple. You think you can pick it off on your own; or, in a worse case scenario, you can take some medicine to get rid of it. It will do anything in its power to distract you from finding where it truly resides. This is the parasite that enables the **** to keep coming. You look everywhere, trying to find out where the **** is coming from, when all along it resides inside of you. You have been, unknowingly, harboring a parasite that will consume you if you let it.

Life is not always easy and when you get **** on you have two choices. The first is to pretend like nothing happened. You put a smile on your face and begin rolling around in your **** like a happy little piglet. After a while, though, it’s not as much fun and you get sick of rolling around in your own ****. When you decide you’re finally ready to move on is when ****** becomes sticky. While you have been living your life in a barn, you lived with other pigs and a problem arises where you try to convince pigs that **** is not good. When you decide to leave, you begin to see the pigs in a new light, a light you couldn’t see them in before because the **** in your eyes blinded you. First, you see the kind of pigs that will try to drag you back in by reminding you of how much fun it is to roll in ****. When their attempts fail, they will switch their approach to making you feel guilty for wanting to leave, and, when that doesn’t work, they will eventually turn on you. These are the type of people in life who are not true friends; they are followers, and if they are told they should no longer be your friend then they won’t. They are scared to be themselves and, therefore, convince themselves they are something they are not. They have convinced themselves they really are pigs and that there is nothing wrong with being covered in **** all the time. The other pigs accepted them, and satisfied their needs by giving them a sense of belonging. They have never had the courage to be themselves. They never even try for fear of anyone not liking them. You can convince these type people to do anything you want. You can tell them what to wear, what music to listen to, the kind of job they should have, who they should date, even what to believe in. As long as these people don’t think they are different they will do it. Then there are the pigs who, all of sudden, can’t stand the smell of ****. They did everything you did, even encouraged you to do it. Now they have conveniently forgotten how they used to laugh and snort while they had a great time rolling in their own ****. These are the same pigs that will try to lure you into their playpen by claiming that their **** doesn’t stink, people who constantly trick you and themselves into believing they are something they are not, all because they think no one else will want to play with them if they showed them their real play pen. This deceitfulness has led this group of pigs to believe that, if they apply perfume, they can mask the smell of ****. Then along comes the hardest type of person with whom you will have to deal when you are leaving. The pigs that believe they are not pigs at all. They believe they are superior to all the other pigs and they look down upon the pigs that roll in ****. These people think they have an inherent right to judge others. Judging others is the only way to believe they are good because if you have no one to call bad then what makes you good. These are the pigs that, when no is looking roll, around in ****. They justify the fact that they rolled in **** by doing it behind closed doors. Then they feel guilty so they do what they do best: find someone who is worse off than them to make themselves feel better. So you have to ask yourself: if a pig covered in **** told me they were better than all the other pigs, would you trust them?

When you make it out, remember that, next time life ***** on you, you don’t have to sit there and take it. You first have to decide that you are not okay with **** just happening. You have to find a way to take control of the situation. All you have to do is make a promise to yourself that you will never stop trying until you have control over your life again. There is not one right way to do it. Everybody’s solution will be as unique as his or her problem. This is the thought process that enabled me to find my solution: first, I accept that I can’t control life or when my life becomes the toilet on which life chooses to expel its ****. What I can control is what I do after life ***** on me. I will have to start by accepting what happened as my current reality and come to terms with the fact that I don’t know when it will stop. Accepting all of this leaves me with no choice but to think of what kind of a strategy will allow me to cohabitate with ****. Every day, I will try to find a way to build some type of plumbing system so I can try to get rid of the ****. I have to try to solve the problem on my own, find a way I can stop it. I need to find a solution in which I can, at the very least, reclaim some control. The problem is I don’t have the luxury of using the tools I had before because they don’t work on ****. Right now, all I have to work with is all the **** I have accumulated since I first got shat upon. That will have to be enough, though. What I have to do now is realize that all my attempts have failed and I need someone else’s help and input. What I have to do is step outside myself for one second and learn from others that have been able to stop it. Instead of being disgusted by ****, I will learn to value it. I will view it as an opportunity and not an obstacle. It’s actually quite simple; don’t take the **** life gives you at face value. I will no longer accept the fact that **** just happens. Instead, I will use **** for the only thing for which **** is good. **** is made up of waste products and toxins and yet it has the capacity to use its foul byproducts to provide the stimulation needed for something as beautiful as a flower to grow. **** is actually an essential component needed to sustain life. Plants need fertilization, and without plants we can’t breathe and so forth. The cycle ensues.

What you don’t realize is that in the process of finding a solution of how to deal with it, that is when you actually begin to deal with it, your solution forces you to deal with the core of your problem. You can no longer pretend it does not exist. I can’t tell you that dealing with your **** is that easy. It is especially not easy if your **** comes in the form of a painful truth. From experience, I can tell you that the longer you wait, the harder it gets. You now have to clean up the original **** plus all the **** you accumulated along the way. It’s when you realize the magnitude of your **** that you want to do nothing else but go back to rolling in ****.

Nothing worthwhile in life is easy.

When we first get **** on, I think we deserve to roll around in **** carefree because we had no say in what happened. There comes a point where you need to realize that you can’t go through life ignoring something just because it causes you pain. I know it is hard and we all avoid dealing with pain. We all do it. When pain reaches a level you can’t tolerate, you learn to numb it. Everybody has their own way of doing it; some people drink, some people do drugs, and others become workaholics. The problem with going numb for too long is that you become addicted to what makes you feel numb. You have let it beat you because you voluntarily have given up control of the situation. You have to realize that how you are dealing with your problem is what makes the **** keep coming. From experience, it is extremely hard and very painful when you decide to deal with pain once it has accumulated. I have learned to be patient and to believe that it will get better. Take the time to do it and I promise you it is worth it. When you finally clear enough **** so you can see, is when you start to grow. Have the courage to deal with what life gives you. While you can never have your old life back, in which you wouldn’t change a thing, you can now have a life in which you can change whatever you want. Most importantly, learn to forgive life and the people in it who caused your pain. Realize that they are the end product of what happens when you don’t deal with problems. Realize that bad people, just like ****, don’t just happen. We are all products of our environment. Understand that all humans are born good, and it is life and the people in it that turns them bad. When you finally realize what happened to you could have been avoided if other people didn’t keep passing on their unresolved problem. This is when you learn to forgive the unforgivable and acquire the knowledge required to make the **** stop. You teach others how to deal with their problems when they first happen and they can completely avoid living a lifetime of **** all together. When life ***** on you, fertilize.

 

Dedicated to anyone who has ever been a victim of childhood sexual abuse: this is how I view life as a 24-year-old who has decided to deal with it after 13 years had passed. Don’t ever give up or become discouraged. It has taken me almost a year to find my solution and now I am going through the worst. I have flashbacks and nightmares and now I can actually feel those painful feelings for the first time in my life. I have accumulated enough inner strength to do it and the driving force does not come from inside of me. What keeps me going is how many of us are out there. How common it really is. How many people get away with it. How many people never deal with it and are left with unanswered questions and prayers. For those kids that speak and no one believes them and for the ones too scared to speak. For all those who, in an attempt to the numb the pain, make it worse. For all the people who have flashbacks and nightmares that they can’t control. For those who people who repress the memory and think they are crazy. For our families and loved ones who put up with us when we couldn’t even stand ourselves and accept us when we couldn’t even accept ourselves . And to all of my friends who support me, I wrote this for you, too. We have been there for each other for everything, good and bad. For anyone in whom I have confided my secret in I love you. For all of the victims who now victimize. For all of my loved ones who have had it happen to them and for all the people who it is happening to now. This is for you. I promise when I am done I will try to help all of you. We will beat it and when we do we will make the world for future children a world where childhood sexual abuse is not that common, where no child is scared to speak, where children know that if they are too scared to tell their family they can come tell us, where, if no one else believes them we always will, they will be able to do this because we dealt with it for them.

To the person who stole my innocence, whatever cycle of abuse or neglect of which you were a part, I am sorry for whatever made you be this way, I forgive you and I will break your cycle, too. I hope that me forgiving you allows for others to forgive their victimizers too so they don’t have to carry around someone else’s burden and live a life with resentment and hate in their hearts.

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pcrj85 pcrj85
22-25, F
2 Responses Feb 12, 2010

I also would like to thankyou for articulating what I have difficulties in doing myself.And we are survivors of all sorts of abuse,because as you say,we are becoming aware of the pain,triggers and reactions that make the **** stick more as we try to scrub it off!Awareness is the key to our healing I believe.Now,as I get older Im extremly aware of who and what situations I allow myself to be in.It serves me no purpose to wallow with those who choose to stay in that stagnant place.May your life be full of good and your pain ease as you/I,work everyday to live a life of what we deserve and always did.

You have no idea how much I appreciate what you wrote. I have just recently began to feel again after years of numb, have recently acknowledged that I was abused as a child. Your words make so much sense to me right now. I have been trying to love myself lately, because I realize my whole life I have hated myself, and just recently I figured out why. I am fighting so hard to keep from drowning at this point, but at least I have my head above water. I feel like I have been drowning for 20 years. I finally have received a fresh of breathe air, and it feels so good. But how hard it has been to tread water, especially now that I feel that struggle. I always thought I was crazy. I was always put myself down. Being a child and never feeling any love, only abuse, has really messed me up. I hope I can reach the solitude that you have. I hope one day I cannot only learn to love myself for the very first time, but learn to forgive those who caused me so much pain. I have a long journey ahead of me, and I know it won't be easy, but thank you for sharing your words, and your pain. You have no idea how much it has helped me. One step at a time.