My ex abused me physically, mentally, and sexually. He would grab my arms so hard he left bruises, and there was one day I remember he tried to crush my head into the seat of his truck. And he molested me on a daily basis with increasing escalation...he all but raped me...and he had these awful mind games that he would play, and I was terrified of what he might do if I didn't play along. He turned my senior year of high school into a living hell. That should have been the best year of my high school experience...I just started my sophomore year of college and I still struggle.
I have nightmares often enough that I'm terrified to sleep, so I stay up till 2:00-3:00, sometimes even later so I don't sleep long enough to dream. I still have panic attacks, but not as often as I used to. I still have flashbacks all the time, though. I'll do great for 3 weeks or so and then something happens-some creep follows me at Walmart, I see a truck that looks like his, somebody says something without realizing its a trigger for me- and I'm back to self destructing. On my bad days its all I can do to not flinch when someone touches me, especially if its a guy. I have major trust issues now. The only reason I even dated him is because I was scared what he'd do if I said no...
I can count on 1 hand how many people I've talked to about this. No therapists, and definitely not my mother. It would tear her apart if she found out this was happening under her nose and she had no idea. The one I confided in the most was my most recent boyfriend. I told him probably more than I'll ever tell anyone. He's in the army, though, and he's stationed on the other side of the world. He did his best, but he can't be here for me like I need him to be. And for the most part, he really is so sweet and understanding. He gave me a reason to believe that not all men are bad.
Last night he broke up with me...He said that he needed to be able to trust me when I say I'm alright and that I need to take care of myself. He promised we could start over once he comes back to the states and he can trust me again...
I feel like I'm falling apart because he was the best thing in my life. We still talk, but its not the same.
The truth is, I don't know how to not be fine. I've always had to be the one who held herself together. When I admit I'm not okay, I lose people, and I break down, and I can't stop. How do you admit that you're not okay without breaking down? I'm so tired of breaking down...And I'm afraid I'll be stuck in this hole forever... And I don't know where to go from here...How do I be "just friends" after all we've been through in the last year? I don't want to lose his completely...and I'd much rather be "just friends" than not have him in my life at all, but its killing me...It's taking everything within me to not truly self destruct. I mean, I kind of am already with the not sleeping and stuff, but its really hard not to slip back into my addictions right now...only thing holding me back at this point is the thought that if I do self destruct, there won't be a future for us...
Where do I go from here...? How do I cope with the trauma...?
kaikins kaikins
22-25
Aug 19, 2014