The Battle Of My Childhood ...

From as young as I can remember, my childhood is filled with memories of my Uncle sexually abusing or raping me. Although I managed to get a conviction on 17 counts of sexual assault,abuse and rape - which resulted in 8 years jail time for him - I am still tormented by the memories, nightmares and feelings which overrule my rational thinking.

My childhood was unhappy, my father worked around the country during the week and avoided our house during the weekends due to his unhappy relationship with my mother. I absolutely ADORED my father as a child, he was my hero.
When I wasn't around my uncle being abused, I was pretty much the outcast of the family. My nanna openly despised me, my mother ignored me, my father just wasn't around as much as i needed him to be and I felt isolated from my sisters, despite them being so close.

When my parents eventually split up, I was forced to move into the home of my abuser. The abuse and attacks became more frequent and even more daring: when people were close by, when my younger cousins and sisters were in the same room.
As the eldest, I thought I needed to stay strong, and at that time, I was completely oblivious to what was actually happening. And although my uncle was charged for counts between the ages of 9 - 16, I know I was younger, I just couldn't provide the prosecution with specific examples from such a young age. If I had to put an age to it, I would have to say I can't have been more than 4/5 years old.

The attacks started to happen up to 3 times a day when I was about 12/13 years old, at which point I fully understood the foul things this "man" was doing to me. (I should probably mention that my uncle was only a few years older than me, so would have been 15/16/17 at this point) I would scream and struggle and fight my hardest but as a 12 year old girl I didn't exactly have the necessary strength to fight off this brutal attacker.

I tried to run off, to hide until I could be definitely in the presence of adults, to overdose and at one point I thought about jumping into a river not far from where I lived. I couldn't stand living with the shame and the judgement of it all.
I flung myself into my school work and, even though I had always been in the top sets at school, got good grades.

When I finally found the courage to tell someone, it was 5 months before my 15th Birthday. I decided to tell my mam one day. So while my sisters were busy, I went downstairs, shaking and staring blankly. I told her that my uncle - HER BROTHER - had made me touch him. I looked at her and she just looked back at me, unresponsive. After a long silence, she asked me if anything else had happened. I could already tell she either didn't believe me, or didn't want to do anything about it. I later found out that her mother, my nanna (Yes, the one that openly despised me) had cancer at this time. This doesn't justify her actions though.

So after that, I became reclusive again. Before this, I had managed to start being more involved with my school friends, although never outside of school, and had started laughing and smiling more. 3 days before my 15th birthday my Uncle raped me. That was the final straw. My relationship had completely broken down with my mother, and 10 days later I moved in with my dad. I didn't speak to my mam for 3 years afterwards (We recently started contact again)

So everything came out eventually, and my dad and his girlfriend (of the time) believed me and called the police, which is ultimately what lead to the conviction of this monster.

However, even though we managed to get this rapist and paedophile off the streets, he still gets the respect of my family. They disowned me! ME! But my relationship with my dad has really suffered. In the last 3 years, we have stopped doing things together and barely talk.

I feel so depressed and suffer with constant nightmares, having to relive the ordeals over and over again each night.

I am in my final year of A-Levels, studying hard to get into University. However, school has been something that has been a haven and yet an additional torture.
School acted as a barrier to the abuse, you cant think about it if youre busy with work, and its an excuse to escape too. But the people, who are supposed to be my friends, are not nice people.
I've been looking through all of my pictures on Facebook from the past two years. I never noticed all the comments before; people have just been taking the **** out of me. Comments about how Im ugly or make people feel sick or just laughing at me! Why haven’t I ever realised this before?

I have never felt confident before, I am fat - borderline obese - ugly, and never attractive enough to have a boyfriend, or any boys interested in me. Im smart but noone sees that. The people just pick on my insecurities and constantly bully me. Im getting to the stage where I feel like overdosing again. Shall I tell you the worst thing though? Ive taken so many pills that I physically cant OD on over the counter meds.

I can barely sleep because of all the stress of exams and uni offers and interviews and i feel depressed and lonely, even though I do have a few really good freinds now. I dont understand why this has to happen to me?!

If youve been through a similar situation and want someone to share your feelings with or to talk to, comment. I need a friend. xxx
shytype30 shytype30
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. I know high school may seem tough, but don't let those other students get to you. People try to raise themselves up by putting others down. You have been raising yourself up through your studies and through overcoming your past. All I can say, as a college senior, is that the most important thing in your life right now school be school. Everything else will fall together eventually and you will meet amazing people in college. Hang in there. If someone won't be your friend because you are fat, it seems to me like they are the ones with the problem, not you. I remember the first time somebody called me fat - I NEVER in my life had given a thought to my weight, and when that girl told me I was fat, it changed my world. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself how stupid it is to worry over that. There are so many other things that I can spend my time worrying about.

Have you considered volunteering or helping out your community? It is interesting to see how many people out there are weaker than you, and how you can actually be somebody's rock and strength. It may take your mind off your situation with your family and at school.