The Silence of Incestual Abuse
couple of months back when i was near the end of my studies and about to graduate, the exam time was drawing nearer and although i knew many people who were beginning to feel the exam pressure, i was practically at the best time of my life.. i had discovered my independence (in a way i'll describe later) and i was doing really well in my studies which were on a peak. i was one of the best students.
i sat near a friend on one particular day as we discussed the forthcoming exams, she described to me the general home issues (arguments) that were going on and how she felt her studies were deeply affected by it. i asked her "so what do you plan to do after the exams?", she pulled out a letter which for a while i thought was a promotion and so i gleamed her a smile, she looked at me silently
i read the letter which was from her doctor, going into some detail on this friends' mental state. as i read on, i stopped at the words "abused when younger". i froze. shivers went down my spine and i remember swallowing hard and i briefly looked at her and said "i went through abuse when i was young", i pretended to read on and she said "sexual?" i'd never spoken ever to anyone about this, this was something i longed buried away in the dark corners of my mind, even though occasionally it came back up and i learnt to brush them away. i had time to grieve on this for years, and only now can i actually speak about it.
anyhow, back to where we were on the question my friend had posed on me, i erupted in tears that were so uncontrollable, i had never even ever mentioned this to anyone and it was that day i realised how long i had really kept quiet about it. i felt so relieved i had found her, i cried so much that day, she was shocked that i had been through it. incestual abuse. and i was upset she had been through it too. we talked for a while and realised she was in a state i had gone through. she was at an extreme point of depression.
at some point in your life, the gruesome trauma catches up and you would rather die than to live with the memories. i was about 5 years of age when it had happen and carried on until i was 11, the perpretator was a family member whom i still live with this very day. and probably at the age of 15 the experience had made me so depressed and suicidal i never thought i'd grow up living a normal life. the nightmares, the memories, the trauma of it all was so much thinking back i must have spent most of my days thinking of self-harm
in it all, i just prayed to God that i would just forget and move on.
eventually through my prayers every night and just talking to myself and thinking positive, i eventually slowly did overcome it. but i never told anyone. i'm 21 now, going on to 22 and very successful in every thing that i dreamt about doing. i never told anyone thinking i was protecting my family, protecting the person who did this, and protecting myself.. but i probably did more damage than good
sometimes i think the whole experience has made me stronger and better, and i think positive. i've never completely forgotten, but it doesn't rule my life anymore. sometimes, it saddens me that i had to go through that, but i've also realised many people go through it and its just not right. to go through it silently is a pain i'll never forget, to have no one there and to be all alone is so dreadful. i'm sure i was at many points ready to kill myself.
today, i thank God with all my heart that He made me strong and i'm so glad i'm still living because i'm doing so much now and my life is wonderful. i hope by sharing this story, someone who might be going through recovery stages of the trauma doesn't forget that you can lead a normal life afterwards, and that you will be so glad that you're still alive and doing all the brilliant things that i'm doing right now
thank you God for everything