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The Only Child Abused...

I'm Asian. In my culture, abuse is not wrong. I was the second youngest out of 5 kids and the only child that got abused. My other siblings would get a whip here and there, but I got beat and brutalized till the day I got married @ age 17. Wait...there was an incident when I left my husband @ 18 and my mother tried to beat me with a shoe.

My mother used: wire hangars, shoes, cords, fly swatters, belts, rubber bands, her hands, and worst of all: her diabetic lancet needles.

Her infamous punishment when we were young was: kneeling and putting our hands up like crucifixion and hold it for 3 hours. She made the punishment harder by putting weights and have us carry wood. If my arms fell then she would whip it. When I was about 10 or 11, she beat me in the church bathroom because my brother and I argued over a toy. She took her shoes and beat me while I cried louder and louder. When we got home I pretended to be asleep, so they left me in the car. I prayed to God that he would save me because I knew I was gonna get punished. I went in about 5pm and had to kneel. The family went to sleep at 9pm and left me there all night.

So many events: my nail got bruised from a wire fly swatter @ 8, getting my knees pricked with diabetic lancet needles because I ditched school, she bought a chain to chain me to my Bed because I snuck out, taking a butcher knife in trying to scare me while calling me a *****(I was 15 and still a virgin @ the time), getting my ears twisted, smacked in the face, hair pulled.

This was all caused from a 4'11, 100lbs Asian mother. I was always so different from te family. I was sensitive, overweight, ugly, Unactive. My depression started at such a young age. I was always a loner because my mother destroyed my self esteem. It didnt help that the kids at school called me fat. Even at my age(22), I don't believe people when they say im beautiful or skinny.

I became a sexaholic, can't control my eating, I've always had anxiety and could never sleep, I fear women who are superior to me as f they're gonna yell at me, Im insecure and can't trust anyone.

My mother is still alive @ age 60. We do not speak. I refuse to see her or my family because it brings back memories. It hurts because no one helped me and my father was so dominated by my mother that he didn't have a voice. It has made me a bitter person.

How do I get help when I have no insurance? How do I forgive when I have no closure. I want tO believe that god will take the pain away. No one knows my story and my family is in denial.
Aznbooger Aznbooger 22-25, F 5 Responses Aug 23, 2011

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Maybe try obama care.

That is very sad, having the guilt or feelings that you feel were created by your treatment from your mother but that doesnt mean she or the negative feelings you have are right- you have value!!. You were given a life to live for a reason, try to find happiness

I'm sorry that you had to endure all if that.

My mother is the German version-I jumped every hoop to please her but was beaten and verbally and emotionally abused- I hated it but I graduated law school to please her- she left in the middle of the ceremony bevause it was too hot- we were supposed to do a pic with the Judge- I got a ride home with an acquaintance. I despise her- No contact for 4 years, She's trying the gaslight bullshit with my kids- they don't want to see her- o well

I feel for you. I am also Asian, I see what my sisters and nieces go through all the time with those events. They don't have it as bad as you did but I see where you are coming from. As a brother and a uncle I try doing the work as well to take some of the loads off there shoulders and get my nephews to help out there sisters and what not. I also tell my sister to ask her sons more as well and stop relying so much on her one daughter. I to disagree about that whole women submit men dominant thing. There needs to be a balance so everyone can live peacefully.

Sweetheart I feel for you. We may live continents apart (twin island republic of Trinidad and Tobago in the Caribbean) nut I can relate to a lot you have said here. it is apart of our region's culture to use physical abuse in disciplining children. We too used to kneel down with our hands in the aor for hours, get beaten or hit with the nearest things to our mothers' hands and verbally abused. This was all to produce "better humans". Can you believe it? I too suffer with depression and am psychologically damaged. What hurts me most about it is that it affect my amazing relationship with a wonderful, loving man negatively. He is so patient and kind with me but I take him for granted and attack him when I slip into my depression. I,we are trying really hard to put me back together. I hope you too will find someone, be it anybody to help you along your journey also. I am here if you want to talk.