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Abused

I was eight years old when my mother married him. My real father wasn't around. He had wanted my mother to abort me, but obviously, she didn't. They split up when she was pregnant of course. I was liking the idea that I would have a daddy around, until, it became something else.
Without getting into many details, let's just say that, everything possible happend, except for 'the' main action. I didn't know at that age what to do, or what was going on. I just knew that I was told to keep it a secret. And I learned quickly that if I didn't, my mother and my little brother would suffer the consequences. He would hurt them, and be mean to them if he hadn't be satisfied the night before. I did once try to tell my mom and my family at age eleven, but of course, no one believed me, and it continued. It took awhile, but I learned how to make myself numb, and how to escape my body during the act. It was as if I was standing outside of my body, watching it happen to someone else. I prayed every night that he wouldn't come into my room, but he always did. I eventually got away, years later, but I think that experiencing what I did, it changed me. It changed the whole way I live, think, feel, act. I don't know why it had to happen to me, or why for so long. I do know tho, that I have encountered several people in my lifetime that needed someone to talk to that could really understand thier pain of being abused sexually, and i was there for them, and could really relate to them and help them. I don't know what kind of person I would have been had I not went thru what I did...maybe i would have had better self esteem, or have been more outgoing, or maybe the opposite, maybe I wouldn't attract idiots and have failed relationships constantly, but who knows. I know that who I am now, I am proud of. I love the fact that I care about people. I will help anyone. I will befriend anyone. I am compassionate and kind and loving. But, I do know that I have issues because of it as well. I have anxiety sometimes. I get depressed often. It's hard for me to understand real father/daughter relationships. I have horrible self esteem issues. I guess tho, I am happy that I made it thru, without drugs or alcohol or anything really bad. I spent alot of time drawing, writing and singing and things like that instead of bad things. If I could change what I went thru, yes of course I would, but, I have to say, I'm glad I put it in God's hands. I used to have awful thoughts about my stepfather and want bad things to happen to him, but then I realized as I got older, that he will have to answer for what he did one day. It's better for me to live my life without hate and grudges toward him. The best thing is, he did NOT break me. I am a good person. And I know he will pay one day for what he did!
broken75 broken75 36-40, F 2 Responses Dec 27, 2011

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I too have gone thru the same thing and I feel every bit as bad as you do... I am trying to find a way to get past it and live my life to the fullest... I hope we find peace one day.. Thank you for sharing your story

WOW ur story realy moved me . . . to tears i too have gone thru all that and i became addicted to everything that would kill the pain! in the end nothing worked anymore and i had more pain than i could bear. it was in that darkness i found christ and god and my recovery from my addiction now i wish to deal with my ordeal and they way i have "let's say evolved" <br />
I want to heal be healthy and loved i deserve it we all do ! thank you i really understand what you said I FEEL YOU, my sister i really do. god bless you!

I suppose everyone deals with things in thier own way...I am happy to hear that you have recovered!! God bless you darlin!