Still Recovering

I've always been one who turns bad experiences into something positive.  I guess it is sort of a survival instinct in me.  I had been physically abused since I was a tiny child and also in my first couple of relationships when I was young.  I always thought of myself as a victim all of my life until the day after I litterly thought I was going to die. That was 17 years ago and I still think of that experience everyday. The biggest reason why I think of that experience is because it broke me. 

In my lifetime, I had been abused for a lot of reasons... as a young child for getting up at night for something to eat to as a young woman for cooking the green beans the wrong way.  Over time, it just got more intense and I lived a life where the mileage on my car was closely monitored, and I went through physical "inspections" on a daily basis to insure that I had not had sex with someone.  I was 21 the last time I ever ALLOWED myself to be abused. 

That is the night that I took six hours of beating in my face.  Everytime I tried to stand up, I got hit so hard that I saw stars and it knocked me off my feet.  He would say, "You fu*ked someone" and knock me to the ground over and over again.  He said he would quit hitting me if I would just tell him who I screwed but there was nothing to tell because I had done no such thing.  He threatened to hit me with a baseball bat and kill me if I didn't confess.  I just continued to take the beating because I had small children asleep in the house and I was afraid to leave my children.  My nose broke at one point and the blood gushed out with great force all over the bathroom floor.  I was sitting on the floor there when one of my children awakened and he closed the door so I wouldn't be seen and went to put my child back to bed.  At this point, I figured I was going to die and I wouldn't be around to take care of my children so in a split second, I decided to run.  I went to a complete stranger's house requesting help.  When the law came, we went back to the house where I found my children unharmed (thank God) but he had disappeared.  I went to get my things and found the bloody towel hidden in the back of the closet that he had used to clean up the evidence along with a pair of my panty hose that he had cut up into tiny pieces. I tried to get my car, but he had pulled all the distributor wires. He did end up going to jail eventually and had a lawyer call me to drop charges but I stuck to my guns and told the lawyer that I intended to testify.  At that point, he set a plea bargin.

The next day, I had to go to work and no makeup in the world can disguise a face that looks like elephant man.  It was the most humiliating expierience I have ever faced.  The next day, my co-workers brought me canned goods. OMG.

At this point, I saw things differently than ever before.  I realized my own power and I saw that I had the control of my life.  I decided to never allow this again.  I realized that I dictate where I go and what I do in my life.  I achieved a lot of extraordinary things after that day.  When I look in the mirror, I like who I see and I am so very proud of all of my accomplishments.

The whole thing gave me a drive that most people do not have, but I'm still haunted by the memory.   It is not as bad as before when I used to have nightmares of trying to get my children out of the house, but now more so when I meet someone new.  I guess it is like a paranoid thing that is always in the back of my mind - a fear you could say. It doesn't control my new relationships, but it is there everyday on my mind and it is difficult now for me to not be independant and it still causes me great pain.



mulbig mulbig
36-40, F
1 Response Feb 24, 2009

I totally understand, I went through the similar thing, even almost to the smallest details the distributor off the car. Etc. I only worried about my kids, I made the decisioc then to go. Not to look back and I did I have had a rough life even after. I made wrong choices in relaitonships. But I am in a relationship now, and I pray all the time. I am here if you need to talk.