Ok... Here I Go

I was born... and have remained unknown since then. (or at least have tried). Before i go on... i need to let you you know that my father was born in 1922, a different time and era. My parents age difference was of 17 years, my "dad" liked em young, apparently.

Before I was born, my father was married, and had three girls and a boy. He went to prison for sexually molesting his daughters, and was then divorced.
My mother had a child, a boy, before she met my father.
My fathers life as a child was typical of the depression era, he had to leave school at the age of 12 to help work the family farm. He came from a farming family of three boys and two girls.
My mother was the youngest surviving child of a poor family of 16 children.
she was mainly brought up by her siblings and her friends families. I dont think she grew up learning the necessary tools needed from parental guidence.

then i came along....
followed by three more.. two brothers and then a sister.

one of my earliest memories are of my half brother (moms son). He was being beaten by my father.... then i remember dad yelling at mom.."I WILL NOT RAISE ANOTHER MANS CHILD!"...
I was 4 at the time... already had two brothers... so this child was not a new addition... my mom gave him up.. he was gone forever.
by the time i was 8 years old.. my father started his abuse on me.
it started out by him looking at me naked...just looking. i was born with a handicap.. so i thought he was just looking at my legs. by the time i was13.. he was having sex with me. I told my mother... she told me to tell him to stop.. "Just tell him to stop" she would say... and then leave it at that.

he didnt stop.
instead... he would turn anger into drinking and then come home, and beat us.
he beat us all... it just depended on who he got to first.
one beating i received kept me out of school for three weeks... nobody came to check on me... my absence from school was explained simply by a phone call saying i was sick.
so... telling him to stop... well it didnt work out as well as mom dipicted.
if i let dad have sex with me... noone gets hurt.
lesson learned.
so..i told mom again.. "just tell him to stop" is all i got.
this continues till i graduated from school.
i went to college, i got out of the house.
but my sister was still there....
i came home after the first half of freshman year. i was becoming my own person..dad didnt like that. so... he got very very drunk, it was clear he was gunning for me. but, i was ready for him.
i once again went to my mom and told her that i was going to pack and go.. i needed her to take me to my friends home and i would go back to school and never return. .. i was also going to finally turn him in.
i could see the fear in her eyes that time.
the drama the ensued is worthy of movies, it was the most horrifying night i can remember...but what was important is that my story finally went to the police.
my father went to jail.
court dates are set... lines have been drawn.
my mom went back to my dad.
i was forbidden any contact with brothers and sister.
i went to grand jury and faced my father, and my mom sitting close next to him.. i was thrown under the bus.
my father was not convicted.
the jury AQUITTED him because i was 18 years old when he last had sex with me... i could have been found guilty as well...wtf.

so... i quit school and moved away.

and now.. im gonna be 48 years old.
I have more issues than READERS DIGEST.
i never married,
i never had children
i lived a good life, and have done and seen some pretty spectacular stuff.
but i cry... alot.
i now have the love of a good man, i have alot i am gratefull for.
but i dont have a family, my father died years ago... (another huge story worthy of movie rites..) my mother still lives, but it wont be long till she is gone too... i want to tell her all that i feel. i want to ask her why? i want to ask her how she could let her children be hurt ... how come she put us last? how come she labeled me worthless? WHY!!!??? i want to let her know im an angry bitter person...so very very bitter.
but i cant... what good would this do? she is a dying woman..
so i cry. and i feel alone.
2 Responses Sep 8, 2012

I feel for you. My mother was sexually and physically abused by her father and abused by my father also. I was raised by damaged parents who had a very negative affect on my life. They were emotionally abusive, somewhat physical- but not beaters, and very neglectful of my needs. I never felt loved. Like yourself I was angry and resentful for years. My mother was more nurturing at times and would watch as my father would rage on me and threaten me. I realize now that my mother was a victim. She felt worthless and powerless in her role. She suffered from depression and I'm guessing PTSD and was unable to work or financially support us.
I discovered forgiveness in later years which did wonders for my soul. Not to say that it was ok for my parents to treat me as such but to allow myself to release the anger and shame I felt. It sounds as though your mother was a victim as well. I'm sure she is filled with shame, guilt and a feeling of failure and worthlessness as a mother. I would talk to her about your experience in a loving and forgiving way. Regardless of her reaction - chances are she will deny most of it and her responsibility in it as this is a defence mechanism -it will be a heavy weight lifted from your spirit. She is dying .... ? Show her love and compassion til the end .... Which I'm sure is something she never received from your father....

I'm so sorry for all your pain and suffering. I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by adoptive Dad who is really my cousin and my adoptive mom who is really my older sister. They kept th fact that they were really cousins and got married. Please know that you're not alone. Please message me and I'll share more with you. God bless. Hug hug