It all started when I was fresh out of high school. I grew up in a small, rural German/Chzech town in central Texas. Needless to say, these small communities have a way of raising sheltered naive individuals. Add to that growing up with a verbally and sometimes physically abusive father, and you can bet that I was one of those kids that was just ready to move out and explore, take risks, do it all. And I did. I moved to Houston less than a year after graduating with no real plans only just to experience "city life." So I was introduced fairly quickly to drugs of all types including a bevy of pills of both the upper and downer variety, cocaine, mushrooms, ecstasy, etc. I really liked the way xanax made me feel. It made me just feel good. Relaxed, not a care in the world. It wasn't until several years later, after I had moved back home, then moved to Austin for a couple years, then back home again, that I became severely addicted to xanax. I found a steady supply of them and started eating them like candy. I started to become incoherent, my speech was becoming muddled, I would get hung up on simple words, I began acting erratically and scaring my family. Blacking out. Drinking and driving after popping bars. I mean just a mess. Terrible. It finally came to a head when my mother, broken up and in tears, hysterical, confronted me about it point blank and I had no choice but to fess up and tell the truth. She wanted me to go to rehab. But had I done that I would have probably lost my job. So I decided to just tough it out and face the impending withdrawals like a man. And I did. And it was one of the worst things i've ever had to go through. But I made it. I wish I could say that that was the end of my xanax use, but unfortunately it was not. I dabbled with it off on and on but I never did go back to where I was. About three years ago, after gaining a massive amount of unhealthy weight from binge eating and drinking alcohol in excess, I started on a journey to wellness and physical fitness and am proud to say that I have dropped 50 lbs of fat in three years and I am in the best shape of my life at age 31. However, my anxiety has not disappeared, in fact it seems to have gotten worse. You see, I can trace my anxiety all the way back to childhood, as I would get what I now know as panic attacks as far back as I can remember. It was triggered by my father. Before he would come home I would always get wound up because I never knew what kind of mood to expect from him. And it seems that anxiety has carried over into my adult life even now. Life is great for me: I have a well-paying job, an amazing girlfriend, I eat right and workout often, I just got a new car, etc. But I still feel anxious all the time, and have developed what I can only describe as "the shakes." Its almost like Parkinson's as I will get random uncontrollable shakes in my head mostly that drives me insane. I absolutely hate it and I am not sure what is the cause of it, but i'm willing to bet that my continued anxiety still has something to do with it. I should note that I was drinking a lot of energy drinks and slamming pre-workout supps (which are loaded with synthetic stimulants btw) up until about a month ago, when I decided I needed to axe all of that stuff. Well a couple weeks ago driving home from Austin I had a severe panic attack and felt a "tug" in my chest area that scared me pretty badly. Unsure what to think or feel about any of this. I'm going to get blood work done tomorrow and see the doc as well. Problem is, I don't want to be on benzos for my anxiety anymore, but at the same time I feel like I simply can't deal naturally like I thought I could. Anyone ever been through similar?
Rawj777 Rawj777
Sep 2, 2014