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Adoptive Parents Lied...

My parents lied. I found my adoption papers by accident just before my 21st birthday.
I am grateful I went to a loving family, but!! My mother in particular always had a thing about telling 'fibs' I cannot believe this same person kept something like that from her own 'child' for so long.
They say they were going to tell me... Erm... Ok, when exactly?!
I am 29 now and only really just starting to deal with this all. I still have a relationship with my parents though I think I've limited it somewhat, possibly subconsciously, by moving to a different country. I now only see them once a year.
I love them, they raised me, and up until I found out I had a great life. Since then I've suffered major depression (which according to my mother is a bunch of nonsense), and have just felt out of place generally, like I don't fit in anywhere. I am very distrustful of people in general.
I think what annoys me the most is that my birth father had written to me several times before I found out but my parents destroyed the letters. Apparently I have two full brothers. I can't believe that they would keep me from having the option of knowing them despite whatever issues they have with birth parents. I was brought up as an only child, and we vacationed every year in the town my birth family lived in, I wish I had the chance to see my brothers and make some kind of connection with them while we were all younger. They have now moved and I'm not sure if it's worth it to try find them, I feel it could just mess things up even further. The amount of grief I would get from my adoptive parents is reason enough to leave it alone (I'm an ungrateful brat, don't love them, etc).
Has anyone else been in a similar situation??
Candy1982 Candy1982 26-30 14 Responses Feb 6, 2011

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P.s I am an ungrateful brat and have not appreciated anything they have done for me as soon as I make a compaint so I know exactly how you feel and honey the further away from them I can get the better - seriously my heart goes out to you.

I was told that my birth mother was raped by my birth father and so I was given up. I was told my parents were both British which I believed up until recently. I found out my birth father wanted me and had tried to fight for me for years in court via his mothers help (He was very young) - My birth mother had me when she was 15. She was in no way raped by this man and neither were British (well my mother was half) my birth mother is French / Welsh and my father Spanish / Argentine. I tracked down my father and found information from my birth mothers part. She simply gave me up because of her parents calling the shots, I was orphaned but she was not raped. I feel so sick My birth father is such a good man. Not only did my parents lie to me (and continue too throughout my adoption) they have emotionally abused me consistently been prejudice to me all my life and so on. I have been left with a personality disorder that has been described of a multiple disorder because their is so many different aspects to it. On top of this they have got physical with me at times - Have constantly lied about me past and been so controlling they didn't even allow me to eat something as simple as Spanish food? -

The cherry on top of the cake - For many years I have continously been told "You were adopted" and they made up their own story of my past - When I was 16 I was raped after this was when they decided to tell me "Your birth father was a rapist you dont need to find him".

I could write so much - I am now considering looking into voiding this adoption through cinderella law etc... But my point - They do lie to you ( Not all) but from my experience I truly feel for you.

I hope you are doing well now -

S xxx

I'm helping out a friend in a similiar situation. Only he is the birth father. He has wanted to tell his son the truth since the son was a child, as was agreed when he found out when the mother with her new boyfriend, came to him and asked him to give up his rights so they could marry and raise the boy. My friend has tried throughout the years to tell him but has been prevented by the parents who always said it wasn't the right time. Now the son is 23 years old and my friend is going to tell him one way or another. The question is for those who did find out and are in pain and anger about the lies, is are you glad you did finally find out? My friend wants to do what is best for the son. He thought that was to let him have an intact family. He didn't realize how manipulated he was until now or he would have just gone against the parents wishes but he always wanted to honor them and do what was best for everyone.

Wow, I figured out I was adopted when I was 5. I just knew, no one told me, maybe I over heard my dad say something and i put two and two together but still at 5 years old knowing what the word adopted means and knowing that this wasn't my biological family is pretty intuitive.I felt it when my biological mother past away when i was 16.<br />
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How did you not notice that you looked nothing like your parents? How didn't you feel it? <br />
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BTW feeling completely disconnected fromt he entire world is a totally normal feeling when you're adopted, just like fazer said. <br />
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I say find your biological brothers and try and feel a biological connection to people.

I'm not surprised you feel this way. The feelings of not belonging and not fitting on are quite common amongst adoptees, me included, and on top of that you have been lied to. My parents told me from a young age that I was adopted. Had they hidden that from me and I had found out in a similar way you did I would have felt the same as you about it. It was thoughtless and, as it has turned out, cruel of your parents to keep something so important from you. However, if you have had a happy and supportive life with your parents other than this then I hope you can overcome any barriers this has created. It would be a great shame to let this spoil an otherwise good relationship. Even though they did the wrong thing they may have well have had your best intentions at heart.

yes . my daughter was stolen from me by her father and raised by her grandmother 19 years later i find her on facebook to find out her grandma raised her up changed her name to hers and told her that i died . my daughter none the less came to see me . I spent 19 years with the biggest hole in my heart and a empty soul not knowing what my baby looked like what her favorite color was food what music she listen to every child i saw close to her age i starred ... all a mothers nightmare !! Im not saying that your story is same and you were lied to im saying that perhaps your fears of meeting your family may be just that " fears " .. i understand the depression as well my daughter went through that as well infact her grandparents / dad etc. didnt want us to meet because of " their fears " ... dont alow fear to keep you from living life trusting others and or loving people that may be waiting for you in life ... when one door closes another one opens . good luck sweety :) stay strong follow your heart

I think this is abhorrent behavior to lie to your kids about adoption. I have always know since I was old enough to remember, but my half brother was never told he was adopted after our common mother remarried. I was given up for adoption, she kept him he didn't find out until he was 26 and it really screwed him up we have had numerous conversations about this. He still holds resentment and hate towards his mom and dad still almost 17 years later. He missed knowing his Birthfather and he does have atleast 2 other sibling he has never met. Please don't do this to your kids, it does jack up there mind and self worth, tell them from the time they are old enough to know what you are talking about. Explain that they were chosen and that you love them, I speak from personal experience. They won't want to leave, I don't know who started this rumor but it is so untrue I belong to a Adoptee group and according to data 99% are better off adopted than not and they never regret being so and don't want to go back to there BF.

i have a niece that was taken from my sister she was not married. i tried to get my niece but the court had said no. now after 12 yrs have gone by i have gotten to see her and meet her. i haven't seen her sense she was 2 yrs old. And now she is adopted and does not know that she has been adopted she is now 13. there is not a day that went by that i had tried to find her. now that my sister was killed in a car accident her daughter will never get to meet her. all my niece knows that is i am her other family. i would love her to know the rest of her family we love her and missed her soo much. does anyone have some suggestions? i just dont want to lose my niece again!! i want her to know my children and be close.

You have to find her!! My dad hired a P.I and he found my mother, grandmother and aunt, sadly they were all dead by the time he found them however you still have a fantastic chance of finding your niece.

My parents did the same thing to me. They kept me from 4 brothers and sisters that I would have had a great relationship with. I found out at 14 and confronted them. I explained to them that I love them, but that it's important for me to know my family. And trust me, looking for them was worth it. I found all four of them and I am close friends with my two sisters. And I still have a good relationship with my parents. They will always be my parents. It does upset me that they lied, and it did scar me, but I let it go because from the point that I found out, I decided to just do what's best for me and holding that against them would only make things worse. They were bothered at first about me pursuing my family, but they learned to accept it and now things are okay.

Good for you!!

Tobey, I feel for you. I fell into the same "Horror" in the state of Fla. People do not believe the atrocities of these state agencies who steal kids. They don't want those from drug addict parents, the babies who are addicted when born, they want the healthy babies from poor mothers. They pay nurses as hospitals to report to them a healthy baby has been born to a poor, single, separated or divorced mother.<br />
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I have met my daughter after 15 years. I just found out that the relatives who deserted her when she was 16, have stolen from her, etc, have also convinced her that I tried to kill her when she was a baby, and that is why they kept everything from her. I have told her the entire story, yet she does not believe it. Yet, for 2 years she has not seen the so called adopted mom, nor adopted dad. She had a college fund, which they stole away from her. The tore up, threw away her belongings, mementos that her great grandmother gave to her. They told her that they had no idea as to how to get in touch with anybody on my side of the family, which was a lie. I fought to get my daughter back. I had over 12 miscarriages, and a preemie who died when he was 5 months old. He had never come home since birth. He died in the hospital where he was born and remained until his death. The odds of my daughter being born was against me, the odds of her being born late enough to survive a premature birth was against me, yet I fought to maintain the pregnancy. She made it. <br />
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It is horrible as to what is done to these kids by the adopted parents, as well as state agencies. I feel that my daughter hates me, simply because of the lies. Yet, she has been through hell with those who adopted her, relatives by the way, and apparently they do no wrong even though she has no contact with them now. But then again, her stories have changed as well. <br />
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I loved my baby before she was born. I love her today. But since I have the feeling that she hates me, I feel as though it is useless to try to have a relationship with her. I lost her once when it was not my fault. Now, I am going to lose her again, because of continued lies. <br />
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Maybe this time, I will give up my daughter on my own. I cannot stand losing her again. Maybe if she wants to continue to believe the lies, it is best for me to walk away.

Maybe I am an idealist but I think that if someone deeply loves you then they will try and understand why you want something. Perhaps what they feel is insecurity that if you connect with your birth family then they will no longer be important to you.

Dear Candy,<br />
Why you are angry on your adoptive parents? just because they lied to you or didnt told you are adopted. <br />
do you imagine yourself not to be adopted and raised just on street or homes!!? Can man become so selfish that he/she only thinks about what he/she is going through? <br />
If you are an adoptee example, god please help that such children should never get adopted.

You seem to have little or no understanding of what is needed to be a parent. No child would accept being lied to for 21 years so why do you believe is it okay to do that to adopted children and that their 'gratitude' should override their expectation of receiving decent treatment as a human being? Are they inferior in some way? I sincerely hope you don't adopt a child until you realise that they have the same feelings and needs as any other child.

Reading your story makes me feel there could be hope with my son...the governments stole my baby and I wont see him until he is old enough to look for me. I have to live all these next years without him and him without me because the Alberta CFS needed to meet a quota for adoptions, and I did not have money to fight them. I know he will be confused, very....they don't care what they have done to my family - they only care about money. Please read my story "They stole my baby" and feelfree to comment. I think you should find out as much as possible about your birth family and don't believe everything you are told necessarily.

I am so sorry you to have been through this kind of crap. I don't understand either why some adoptive partents feel the need to withold information and lie to their adopted children. Is it because they are insecure? I say get over it! Do they lie because they convince themselves they are the real biological parents and to 100% be able to convince themselves of this they will do anything to keep the charade going including damaging the children they adopted?<br />
How cruel for your adoptive mother to mock your depression. You have lived their lie for x number of years no wonder after finding out you are distressed who wouldn't be? I think some adoptees do get into the whole "I am so grateful for my parents for giving me a chance, for taking me on" thing but I am not one of them. Come on most people are doing it for themselves pure and simple and we the adoptees are doing the favour to them not vice versa. <br />
As for you wondering whether you should or should not try and find your birth family its a two edged sword isn't it! You have to do what you have to do and I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide. If you want to talk more about the stuff thats gone on or is going on feel free to write! Hugs Cello (-: