My Life And Adoption

i was adopted as a baby my adotive parents were great and told me from i very young age that i was there little adopted girl so i grew up knowing. I had a very happy childhood and when i was old enough to understand my adopted mum showed me some paper work about my birth mother it said that her hobbies were flower arranging fashion dancing and ice skating it was weird because i had just got my first job working in a florist shop and spent alot of time creating my own clothes and my weekends were spent either dancing or ice skating. my adopted mother also how i looked like my birth mother as she had met her. however when i got into my teens i started to feel like i didnt fit in anywhere or with anything i felt infearior to everyone and began people pleasing to try and feel accepted consiquently i began drinking heavily and then got into the drug scene. By the time i was 17 i was pregnant. My adopted parents said that the baby could not be brought up in there house and i had no clue about such things as council houses and one parent benifit. They suggested i should have her adopted so reluctantly i did. after the adoption i was supposed to go to college and do a hotel reception course but again i didnt feel like i fitted in all the other girls on the course had beautifuly manicured nails, expensive posh clothes and spoke posh. I couldnt stop thinking about my beautiful baby girl so i dropped out and spent all my colledge  grant on drink and drugs which helped me forget to some extent. Soon i meet a lad who was from the council estate nearest to my adoptive parents house he was on drugs too and my family hated him. I thought he was some sort of god because he used to write me romantic poems and all the people on the drug scene seemed to respect him. When i fell pregnant again i was delighted and he made sure we soon got a council house. In this time he had started hitting me every now and then and scaring me by mimicing other lads voices and saying i fancied them. He was really into black magic and read loads of books by alistar crowley and elifus levi. I had our daughter but i could not bond with her and felt very strange and paranoid all the time. At one piont i went deaf and blind so i locked myself in the house and didnt speak to anyone for three weeks. when i got better the beatings got worse throwing me down the stairs, strangling me and seemed to always have a black eye. then i found i was pregnant again this time i gave birth to a boy i loved him instantly and felt like i knew him as soon as he was born. Anyway to cut along story short i left him eventually and went in a womans refuege I didnt cope very well on my own he found me and took me back to my home town. It was then that my adopted parents steped in and took my son and daughter from us. they brought them up for about 2 years. While i split for good with him he had been seeing another girl for years it turned out. So i wondered around the country getting drunk and taking drugs and living rough. Eventually i met someone else who was kind and gentle we had a baby boy we were settled with a nice home so i went to court and got my other son and daughter back. We got married and had two more sons but then i started drinking heavily again. Eventualy he could take no more and sent me off to a rehab. He took care of the children. While i was in rehab our relationship came to an end. Just before i left rehab i met another man in one of the narcotic anonomous meetings. I got a flat when i left and he moved in with me. he turned out to be a bad influence as i was soon back on the drink and drugs. I fell pregnant yet again and had another beautiful daughter we found it hard to manage but he wanted the best for as i did. not being able to get regular employment we turned to drug dealing. I loved having lots of money to spend on her. Then on november the fifth i took her out to see a firework display i had taken drugs before i left and had taken a drink with me. we had a great evening then after it started to rain so i sheltered in a doorway while waiting for a bus the next thing i knew i was in a police station and my daughter had been taken away.My man eventually got sent to prison and i ended up homeless and on the streets again. Well my last daughter was adopted.
Now at last i am resonably sorted and i see five out of my seven children regularly. but iwas adopted and my first and last daughters were too maybe it runs in the family. I have never really had the time or resoures to find my birth mother but now i would like to even though i am more settled and happy with who i am now than ive ever been. there are so many sides to adoption and there are so many things i need to talk about with people who understand and can help i do hope these people exsist.