I'm Ok, I Think!

I grew up knowing I was adopted and felt ok about it. I was taken to some office when I was about 16 to put in a veto, as my parents said " you never know who they could be and tHey can just turn up on your doorstep." I was allowed to write a personal message out of there view which Was....my view may change. I was contacted by my birth mother when I was 21, as it happens she married my birth father and had more children. Strangely enough they lived in the same small town but we Never crossed paths. I had an immediate bond with them when I met them, we looked alike and had similar mannerisms. My sister looked like a mini me. My birth mother and I have shared a wonderful relationship which turned sour.
I Felt like I tried very hard to have a functional relationship with her but she seemed distant, always searching for an answer to her story through gurus. I sat her down One day and said "I'm sitting right in front of you, we can come full circle". Let me digress here by saying that she was 17 and was sent off to have me far away from home, her social worker notes said high risk of keeping baby. Subsequently They drugged her and put a pillow over her head when she had me, any wonder she followed gurus.
I felt like I couldn't please her, I blamed myself. To cut a long story short i asked her one day why she was never there for me but always there for her other children. It was hard for her but she said She didn't nurse me and as much as the others rejected her and I didn't she Just didn't feel me.
She is still searching and I am at a loss, I wasn't getting what I needed from her and vice versa.
I often tell myself I'm ok. I think all our stories are compacted and multiple faceted and obviously this is a seriously edited version. I am new to this but feel like I could get something from talking to others. Cheers all

Vocabubu Vocabubu
41-45, F
1 Response May 9, 2012

While we prepare ourselves for any possible outcome (good or bad), and our minds conjure up all of the possible answers to our myriad of questions...we just are never prepared enough. I give you kudos for working so hard to establish and try to maintain a relationship with your first mom and family. I, too had siblings, both older and younger than I--it does create a strange feeling in your tummy and questions from the heart. My birth mom's response to my simple, friendly hello was a long letter detailing her abortion attempts and her desire for me to disappear. I feel for your circumstance, and wish you the best of luck!