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Pete

i was adopted in 1982ish I have had issues ever since. i have trust issues, self esteem issues , anger issues possessive issues, emotional instability. and the list goes on i have real deep feelings of resentment towards most situations i struggle with the simple emotion of love i can't seem to feel it or trust it. Unless i have lost it. plagued with feelings of worthlessness and guilt about not being brave enough to let my shield down and let people in. Im lucky to have friends that understand but after years of bitterness towards family life my gf has finally given me the shove. I dont blame her i cheated on her was nasty and spiteful towards her all because i cant deal with love or believe that she cares that much about me having analyzed these feelings i guess its coz i really hate myself and always have i wish i knew where to turn to deal with all my raw emotion and turn it  into something constructive.
I wish i could describe what goes on in my head but i really cant is all really confusing.at
peata peata 31-35 1 Response Jun 11, 2012

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I hate even being on a site like this, Im very private. I guess like you mentioned that wall is always up. I alwasy told myself that I wouldnt let being adopted affect me negatively. I was wrong. You never get past the emotional scars. Im 44 yrs old, divorced and my own worst enemy. When things start to go well in my llfe, I find a way to completely screw them up. I am currently in a relationship with a man I know I can never love, or marry. We have been together for 5 years. We both feel the same about eachother... deep like but no lasting love. I seem to be stuck, uunable to make any changes, mostly from lack desire. My adoption story is like a lifetime miniseries. Way too long and confusing to explain. I think I would be a psychologists dream. I was born the middle child to my birth mom, i have 2 half sisters..both same mom, all different dads. I was the only one that was adopted. I was reunited with my sisters when I was 18, and with my mom. My adopted family I am the only child, I went to live with my adopted parents when I was 5 and was adopted when I was 8. I never had a great relationship with my birth mom after we met again. It was difficult developing a relationship with her because my adopted mom was very jealous, and I didnt care for my birth mom and her placing blame on everything and everyone. She was a person who was always a victim and always wanted the easy way and felt people owed her. Unfortunately, she raised my older sister to be the same and my younger sister was always fighting for attention. Meeting your birth parents is not always happy or the best <br />
thing. When I had my son I very much wanted to find my father for med reasons mostly. My birth mom acted as if she didnt know where he was. As it turns out, birth parents were separated whem i was born and my birth mom had so much hate for my father that she never let him see me. Once when i was 3, but I really dont remember much. When my birth mom knew i was looking for him, she was no help. About 10 years ago I found my half brother, my dads son through an adoption forum post. So, I have a younger brother too and in that family I am the oldest child. SO I am the middle child,only child and oldest child. Weird. Anyway, as it turns out my brother has known about me his whole life. My dad was always looking for me. He ran in to my mom around the time i was searching for him and my birth mom toold him that I was dead. She told him I died in a car accident just after he told her that his son, my brother, was just in a bad cara accident and will never walk again. <br />
Finding out that i was dead devasted my dad and he blamed himself for not finding me. My dad died thinking i was dead. My birth Mom died many years before I met my brother or knew any of this information. So I guess they can hash that out wearever they are. I feel empty for never being able to know him. it makes me feel good that my brother always knew about me. I do not have a strong bond with any of my siblings. It always feels like I am in limbo. Im sorry I rambled so. I just was very touched by what you had written and wanted to let you know, I TOTALLY know what you are going through. I would love to break this stupid cycle and stop feeling , or start feeling even.