Adoptive Parents Suffer Too

I came across this board after I wanted to see why some kids don't like their adoptive parents. And I was just shocked to read over hundreds of confessions of kids who hate their adoptive parents. I have 4 kids, 2 of them are adopted. I love them all the same. And I never in million years expect them to be grateful for being born or being adopted. I do expect them to be grateful for what they have and pass it on to their kids.
Being an adoptive parent is very very hard. I know parents who had the love from the first sight, dotted on their kids and in 15 years once the puberty hit, kids started playing "adoption" card. I also know parents who didn't like their kids right away, but with time, the love grew and now they are the most closest people.
I guess, I want to say to the adopted kids. Life is not easy for you. But it is not easy for your adoptive parents too. It is nice to romantase how it would be better with your birth family. But guess what, third of USA intact families have violent and abuse issues. Why look at the grey side of the picture? Yes, you were given away, not bought (please). It is a very little chance that you would have a great life staying in your birth family. Kids are never given away in strong families. There are always grandparents, aunts or uncles who will take kids in this situations. Even if your birth loved you, but the family didn't want you, how you think you would be now? Why you feel it would be much better? You are doing more harm to you and the people who raise you, when you start indulge yourself in this. And the misery never stops.
Most of you here, passed the age of 16. You are not small anymore. You should know what you want. Try to work with what you have. Try to turn to your adoptive parents, try to understand them and give them a chance. You change - they change.
Even in the non-adoptive family, parents sometimes don't have a "chemistry" with kids. I am very outgoing, one of my boys is pretty introvert. It is silly to think if you share the same DNA, it will be easier for you to get along.
About the DNA that is found almost in every post. Why you are so nostalgic of "losing" the DNA of your birth-parents? You did not lose it, now you can get your DNA tested so well, your birth-parents won't know things you can find out with science.
Obviously I am not talking here about abuse and neglect, about religious fanatics ir just non-fit adopted parents. I am talking about regular folks like me, who wanted to have more kids and who is trying their best. But still live in fears as well - will they turn their back on me once they grow, will they like their birth-mom more once they found her, does she tells me this so rudely because I am her adoptive mother.
Once you try to fit your adoptive mom's shoes, it is not as easy to hate her for adopting you.
JuliaATL JuliaATL
41-45
2 Responses Sep 20, 2012

I understand that you are asking adoptees to hear your point of view, but it also feels a lot like judging those whose experience you do not share, nor understand. I am adopted, and growing up I thought it was not even close to being part of my depression, etc. I wouldn't even look at it that way. I still do not see it as the only issue in my life, but I have come to see the role that it plays in them. Not that it isn't a great thing. It is. But it also involves pain. It isn't the natural way of things, and there will always be consequences with that. Maybe your family does a better job of dealing with those and not adding to them than mine did. If so, that is great! However, please do not think that everyone who was hurt by adoption is just "whining." Particularly those who struggle with it in teenage years, because then we have way more feelings and not even close to enough words to describe or understand them. Growing up, I did not care much about knowing my birthparents. I met my birthmother when I turned 18, but it didn't go much of anywhere. it was not until my mid-twenties that knowing my birthfather started to become more important to me. Though he passed away, I was able to meet his sisters, and it was a healing experience for me to find people who liked similar things as me, and to see pictures of someone who looked like me. Simply because you do not agree with people's sentiments, and do not understand their position, I implore you to not look down on them or judge their experience, because it is not yours. Simply, keep being an awesome mom to your kids, and teach them to be kind, for not everyone's experience is as wonderful.. AND, if ever in their lives they do struggle with wanting to know more of their birthfamilies, please do not take it personally. It isn't. Even if they say it is, it most likely is not, nor does it mean they want to abandon you for their birthfamilies. Look at it instead of exploring more of who they are.

you are an uneducated idiot, typical self-centered 'adoptive mother' and should not be one.
back to 'go' do not collect 200 dollars., go to jail!!!
your insensitive attitude to someone's need to know genetic heritage, which is something you know, dear - is abusive.

rachel


I

What is genetic heritage? I was not adopted and I can not say I know my "genetic heritage". My husband (not adopted) did DNA test 3 years ago and he has 70% of native American in his genes. We all were surprised.
Sorry Rachel, you need some sort of therapy as you are obviously very angry lady. I am glad my kids don't feel I should not be an adoptive mother :) as they are pretty happy kids.
I used to work in orphanage in Russia. I've seen so many kids over 15 who would trade so happily not knowing their "genetic heritage" to life in adoptive family.