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Adoption

I have just joined this website, when searching for support groups for people adopted. I was adopted from birth and always knew that I was adopted. I don't remember the time when my adoptive mum actually sat me down to tell me. My older sister is also adopted as my mum couldn't have children.

I absolutely love my mum and I think she did the best job she could in raising me and my sister. I also loved my adoptive dad, and in the early years was a complete daddy's girl! Unfortunately my dad suffered with early signs of mental illness and spent most of my life being an alcoholic. He could be pretty violent when drunk, but when sober I could see the dad I loved. His family wasn't enough to save him and he passed away when I was 13.

I have never felt like I wanted to meet my birth mother as I was completely satisfied with the family I had. However, contact was forced upon me when I was 18. My birth mother was American and fell pregnant with me at 23. Her mother wanted her to have an abortion so she fled to England where her sister was studying for a year. When I was born, she gave me up and went back to the States. Someone in the adoption agency ILLEGALLY gave my adopted name and address to my birth mother before she left.

When 18, she contacted me and I felt all these emotions I had never felt before. Anger, confusion, hurt. I was just recovering from being sexually attacked while working home one night. I found it hard to deal with and my uni work suffered. She went on about how much she didn't want to give me up and wanted us to have a relationship. I wanted to take things slowly, so we just emailed each other every month. I ended up taking a gap year from uni and went to work on a summer camp in the States. We then decided to meet up while out there. So I flew over to Arizona for 4 days to stay with her. BIG MISTAKE! Shouldn't have stayed with her as I had nowhere to go and clear my head and deal with all my emotions. She had two younger children and organised these big 'family' parties to introduce everyone to me.

One thing that did annoy me was she was very relectant to talk to me about my adoption or my birth father. This seemed strange considering she was the one to contact me and must have realised I would ask questions. Anyway, I got offered an internship at the summer camp and moved to the States to live for 18 months. During this time I sent her an email every month with my news - she sent me ONE email during this time. I finally sent her an email before I returned to the UK saying that I wasn't going to contact her again as I couldn't deal with being rejected again. She replied saying sorry she had been very busy and would be better at replying. Well that was 6 months ago, and surprise surprise, haven't heard from her since!

This has made me ask myself whats wrong with me, why doesn't she want to know me etc. It's hard to deal at times. I have many 'issues' with intimacy, relationships and abandonment, but this is from a combination of things that have happened in my life. I'm only 22 and feel I am a strong person who can overcome most things and carry on with life. I have ups and downs, but I have never regretted anything that has happened in my life because I have met so many amazing people and its made me the person I am now. I am trying to learn to be grateful to my birth mother for giving me the life I have now.

annalucy annalucy 22-25, F 4 Responses Nov 24, 2008

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I admire what you said, you seem to have a similiar story. it is their mistake that is in question not a wrong within yourself.

I admire your bravery in writing your story, I'm guessing it wasn't easy. At this stage of my life I have no intention on finding my biological mother. So far, no one has made any attempt to find me. I have my "real" parents who brought me and my sister up in a loving relationship. I'm sorry that something you didn't want was forced upon you. All the best, HMDF.

Thanks for sharing your story. I can't imagine what it must be like having her contact you. What did your adoptive family think? <br />
I would like to meet my mum but I'm basically to scared to make the first move so sometimes I've wished that she would contact me but your story makes me wonder what it would really be like. You're lucky having an adoptive family that you get on so well with. Mine is lovely in every way and yet I've always felt quite distant from them.

Prehaps your birth mother was feeling her own guilt.....<br />
Its not you please believe that.....I found my natural birth mother ( I dont even wish to call IT that) 12 years ago......Im so glad I was adopted.She was everything that I hoped not to become..worse still she thought I only contacted her for her money.....she even told her family that she didnt want them contacting me or getting to know me....cause I was 'welfare scum"..me and my 4 little kids were welfare scum in her opinion ( I had just left an abusive marriage and was pregnant with my 4th child)..........<br />
Please get some counselling..it will help you put some healthy boundaries in place if she calls you again..should be on your terms not hers............<br />
Your very blessed to have a loving adoptive mother.<br />
cheers