The Path of Finding Me

 I was adopted in 1971 by a family who had one other child, an adopted son who was 16 months older than me and was always sick during his first years.  How my adopted family was ever approved to adopt a child or an animal for that matter is beyond my comprehension.  My adopted parent's and their relatives were all alocoholics, the men were wife beaters, child abusers on all levels.  I was finally removed first from my adopted mother and within a year my adopted father.   I was placed in foster care, and for a short period I was allowed to live with my grandmother, my adopted mother's mom.  I was happy there but I was on a emotional roller coaster, the more I tried to deal with my crazy life, the angrier I became and I spent my adult life being angry, distrustful, resentful and scarred to death that I was going to repeat the past, something I keep swearing I would not do even if it meant taking my own life.  I felt unwanted, guilty, hurt and ashamed.  I didn't trust anyone, I was unable to bond with others on an emotional level.  There were people who had come into my life under the gise of wanting to help me only to hurt me, deepening my distrust of others.

When I started college I was only 16 years old, I had lived in 23 different places while I was in state custody so stability was not something I was familiar with.  I was living with a young christian family who had a baby girl.  I helped take of her but each time became more difficult, I did not know why but I was no longer able to take care of her.  I had started dating a guy I met in one of my college courses. I didn't like him at first but he grew on me after awhile and I started spending more time with him and less time at home which became a problem.  11 months after we met we were married. Then 3 months later I found out I was pregant, I had enlisted in the United States Navy, didnt make it to basic training 2 months later.  Instead I worked at a local Navy Recruitment Office as a recuiter and 6 wks after my baby was born I was on 5 mile runs.  My husbands was also in the military and since he got his assignment before me I was attached to another branch in a very sensitive position which catapoled my ranking and I was Chief Petty Officer in very short period of time, it was taking others many years and many tries to get to that rank.  My husband resented my quick promotions that made me a higher ranking personal than he was and he had served more than me.  Our marriage was headed in the wrong direction so I requested a hardship transfer in an attempt to try to save my marriage, it worked for awhile but when we were civilians four years later we found out we were expecting another child,  we moved far away, not only uprooting us from the only place I lived of my own choice but also disrupting our oldest child who while we were activity duty at different stations lived with mama and papa.  I promised my husband's mom that if our oldest didnt adjust in a reasonable amount of time I would move back home.  Our 2nd child was born and my marriage was falling apart and my oldest child was freaking out because they couldn't see mama and papa everyday. When my oldest started acting out I took her/him to a child psychologist and that Dr. told me in no uncertian terms that I should take my child home, back where mama and papa were because being away was causing serious emotional distress for my child and of course for me because I didnt know what to do but that was all I needed to hear, we left the next day and were home 13-15 hrs later, driving straight through except stopping for diaper changes, meals and gas.

By the end of the year my in laws divorced, and a year later I was divorced and seperated from my children.  I was going crazy.  I kept thinking had I been adopted but a loving nurturing family I would been a stronger healthier wife and mother.

When my current husband and I met we hit it off right away.  After his father died I started helping him provide care for his ailing mother, during her last year my adoptive father died, the weekend of mothers Day.  His last words to me " Im sorry for f***ing up your life, he died days later, I was the only one with him.  I have never been back to his grave.

I tried to rebuild my life, became very involved in my daughter's lives, also reasuring them that I would always love them and be here for them to best of my ability.  During the following years I tried to find anyone who knew anything about my adoption, it was like watching a puppy chasing his own tale.  I had been having some serious medial and psychaitric problems, I was finally told I was Bi-Polar and that I suffered from what use to be called Manic Depression, with the right help I started doing better and feeling betting.  Now my childeren, both girls are freshmen, one in college and one in High School. 

Every time I look at them I can see the void in our lives, they are missing important information about themselves  because Im missing a big part of myself.  I see a Psychologist ever week to deal with all the confusing thoughts and feelings I experience because I know what where I came from.

trlc70 trlc70
36-40, F
2 Responses Mar 2, 2009

I know how some of that is. <br />
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I am in the process of looking for my siblings and I have found my mom and grandma. <br />
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I am not sure I want to find my dad honestly.<br />
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My amom is an alocoholic and has been really cruel to me at times. <br />
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Right now I am in alot of pain from all that I am doing on my own but feel free to messege me<br />
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I am here to talk if you need it.

thats a very sad story and i wish you find that part of you that you are missing. i to was adopted and understand the hardship but not nearly as hard as you. hopeful life starts turning your way :)