Battered, Abused And Broken.

I am from Philippines.

I was adopted when I was 2 1/2 years old. But I knew, even before my foster mom read me "Annie".
My foster mom was single but very wealthy. Self made. She traveled around the globe a lot.
You would think I was very lucky. Everybody hated me. Thought I was trash and I would run away with her money.
Behind closed doors, my mother was a monster.
I was a very battered, physically and mentally abused child.
Once, she ******** me naked and shoved me in front of a full mirror. She said I was ugly, no one would
love me. Not even the nuns at the orphanage. i was 5.
When I was sick, she makes me kneel with arms spread from night 'til dawn.
If she's mad at someone she takes it up on me. She beats me everyday. Sometimes I am too numb with pain but
I tell myself she'll get tired soon.
I was so terrified of her. I felt so alone. I felt like a slave.
Everybody turned their heads the other way. Deaf. Blind. and Mute.
I became painfully shy and developed severe inferiority complex.
When I was 9, she married an equally horrible man (who came from a rich, respectable family). he played mind games
with me. Called me stupid.
11 years old. She accused me of stealing her jewelries. Beat me senseless then sent me packing to her parents'
house. They hated me.  A month later, the nanny came forward to confess her crimes. But my
foster mom did not take me back. She was complete with a husband and 3 kids of her own. Later, she told me she beat me on purpose

to appeal to the nannies conscience.

I spent 12 years of my miserable life at my grandparents who never forgets to remind me that i owe the roof over
my head and the food that i eat. i never celebrated my birthdays. i saw my mom in a couple of christmas reunions
and had to pose awkwardly in the family pictures with them.

i taught myself to speak english fluently. read every book, national geographic and life magazines. told myself it was the only
thing i could do for myself. i had superior IQ according to high school annual tests. not really important but that gave me
hope. i wasn't stupid after all. but my grandfather ridiculed me. the self esteem was short lived.

I did not finish college. Nobody wanted to be responsible for me. Despite of the fact that everyone is doing well
money wise. At this point my mother lost all her money to a couple of crooks.
My aunt who paid for my 1 year in college obligated me to work at her botique. i was a saleslady for more than
2 years, earning 50 pesos (about $1) a day. 6 days a week. sometimes 7. that was how I paid her back.

I wanted to be successful, not to get back at them. it was something for me. Between God and I. It might make
everything worth while.
I have tried to bond with my mother and her family when I was in my early 20s. She suffered nervous breakdown.
i took care of her and lived with them for 2 years. She's ok now. We think it was just menopause.

But it did not work. My mother never bonded with me.
When asked, she still says she only has 3 kids.

I managed to get a good job in a european company. Got married to a loving husband. But i think I married him

because he loves me, and I not as much. unfortunately.

i am still not happy. i think i am permanently broken.

i am afraid to have kids. i feel i am too damaged to bring up one.

if you decide to adopt make sure you have a calling. treat that child as a blessing. you are accountable
for that life. God will bless you ten folds if you do it right. we are good people too. we just needed to be loved.
thank you.

cabbagepatchkid cabbagepatchkid
1 Response Feb 7, 2010

I was afraid to have children too. Despite my misgivings, I turned out to be an excellent Mom. Maybe this happened because all the abuse I went through helped me to be a more compassionate woman. I know pain well and there is no way I could harm another person. When my daughter was born, I understood what "family" was for the first time. Having children taught me to love unconditionally. They were a gift that I was running from. Not easy, but I was forced to face myself and open my heart and really feel what love is. It is possible to be unloved and still find that you can love deeply.