Birthparents Trying To Find Me...

I was adopted when I was 3 weeks old by the most loving family you could ever imagine.  I had a wonderful childhood and grew up in a family filled with love, and had a large extended family that had always accepted me as they would a biological child.  I've always been asked if I would ever want to find my  birthparents and the answer has always been, "no, not really."  I've just never had the desire to put forth the effort to search for them.  I knew they were young and did the best thing  for me by giving me up for adoption so I could live a life they couldn't provide.  I'm so thankful  for the gift of life and the amazing opportunities their decision provided me with.  My adoptive parents are Mom and Dad to me, and I have never known any different.  I've known since I can remember that I'm adopted, they've never kept it a secret from me.  I am now 32 years old, I have a husband and children of my own.

I received a letter in the mail from the agency that I was adopted through that my birthparents are trying to find me.  I was taken completely by surprise and I'm still mentally digesting it.  The idea of communicating with them is a bit overwhelming, not to mention I'm terrified of hurting my parents and my family.  I still don't know what I'm going to do.  In a way, the curiosity has always been there, but  I've never had the intention of doing anything about it.   I'm not sure that curiosity is worth adding any resentment that might arise from my adoptive family.  No one that I know has ever dealt with this before, so I don't have anyone to relate to.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and that God doesn't give us what we cannot handle.  I'm keeping that in mind as I ponder and pray about what is best for myself and my family.  Does anyone out there have any words of advice?

fifitink fifitink
31-35, F
6 Responses Feb 17, 2010

As an adoptive parent of a 16yr old -- I'M EXCITED FOR YOU!! I have this secret fantasy where -- my daughter's birth mother is looking for her and finds her. She and my daughter meet and in one glance she can tell that our child is gorgeous, talented, well-educated and happy. She has been raised in a family that loved her and she is doing well.<br />
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At the conclusion of that meeting, my daughter -- who has shared with me through tears that she secretly resents her mother's drug addiction that landed my daughter in foster care and doesn't understand why her mom didn't love her enough to kick the habit and keep her -- realizes that her biological mother ALSO loves her, and that she has the best of all possible worlds (two mothers who would die for her).<br />
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Please don't fear your adoptive family's resentment. If they truly love you (and I'm sure they do), they will honestly want only your unfettered happiness.

Please keep us posted as to your progress. I still havnt taken the papers out of the envelope yet.... Good luck!!

Thank you all for your insight and advice. It really helps to hear from others that can relate to where I'm coming from. I spoke with my Mom and Dad (adoptive parents) last night and they said they'd stand behind me in whatever decision I make. They were just as surprised as I am, but supportive nonetheless. That was the most comforting thing I needed right now--I feel empowered to make my decision for ME and not solely to please them. I also spoke with the representative from the agency whom my birthparents have contacted to reach me. She is sending me more information and articles about reunion, etc., as well as updated medical and social questionnaires that my birthparents recently completed. She also asked if I would be willing to exchange letters with them (through her of course until I decide if/when I would like them to know my identity). I told her it would be a possibility after I process and digest this awhile longer. <br />
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After doing a lot of soul-searching this week, I'm opening up a bit more to the idea of at the very least exchanging letters and see what happens from that. I do have a strong desire to let my birthparents know how much I appreciate the sacrifice they made, and the wonderful life I had as a result of it. As a mother myself, I could not fathom the pain of giving a child up for adoption after developing the intense bond during pregnancy and birth. I've grown a deeper appreciation for my birthmother as a result of that...

One more thing- your adoptive Mom and Dad will always be Mom and Dad to you. They are the ones who raised you and that you have spent all those years loving and they you.

I too had a successful adoption and have found my birth family. I found 3 full sisters, 5 half sisters and 3 half brothers and have a feeling that there are more lurking out there.<br />
My advice to you is this- YOU must do what is right for YOU! You cannot make this decision based on other's feelings. As an adoptee you have had not decsion making power in any of this and really few rights. I understand greatly the need to know. I know the feeling of worrying your adoptive family, but it is really a decsion you must make based on your needs, not their's.<br />
It is a scary thing to do, I admit, but if your desire to know is strong, then you will never be able to rest until you find them. <br />
The other advice I can give is don't wait too long. You are younger than I when I started my search, but the longer you wait the greater the chance you will not get to meet your birth parents. that is the only regret I have. <br />
i found a family that I am proud to know and love. It has only enhanced my life. My adoptive family also feels that way. They have embraced the birth family as if it is part of their own. i know I have been fortunate to have had such a wonderful experience but still- one will never know if they do not try.

My adoption story is very positive like yours. Also never felt the need to look for them, but o ver the years have had a sort of curiosity in the back of my mind from time to time. Im a bit older than you, 50, and Daddy is gone and Mom is not well so I have begun a sort of quasi quest to find out what ever I may. Always knew, but didnt want to hurt Mom N Dad by questioning when the idea did pass thru occasionally. While going thru some of Moms papers, I found and old envelope. Written on the outside was my birthname, birthparents names and their then addresses. Inside,, what a suprise. I have 4 sisters. all but one given up for adoption. Lots to digest. I have a daughter that idolozed her grandparents so I dont w ish her to know about my adoption. I do however find myself being more and more curious ab out them and all the usual questions. I have registered with a search site. Have gotten the paperwork to pe tition court for info. Havnt filled it out yet. Just go with your "gut" feelings. Do it on the qt and see how far you wish to go. Dont know where it will lead for either of us, butI do s ubscribe to the happens for a reason theory al so. Good luck. Keep me posted if you wish to talk or sahre. I understand.